Honest Scrap Award

Friends, Romans, countrymen...I would like to thank the academy, mwanamishale and Bomseh for awarding me the the Honest Scrap award.Since I can't win the lottery, it's only fair that I win this most absolutely useless award. Apparently I let too much out of the bag, I share too much of myself with the blogosphere. I think it's highly theraputic...and it allows me to be honest with myself and who I am. I once read somewhere that life only improves when one takes chances, and the first and most difficult risk any of us can take it to be honest with ourselves. Hmm...so be it.

Drumroll....

1) Music

I cannot live without it. I go trough phases where I am comletely obsessed with an artist or a band and devour their every song. I have played 13,886 songs on my zune and I'm still going. My current obsessions are Adele and Daudi Kabaka.

2) Movies

I cry at movies. I know they aren't true but I can't help it. I get so entwined with the character and it's a mess after that. I watched rachel getting married last weekend and cried buckets!! It was terrible.

3) Men

I have the coolest guy friends...ever! I mean, we can talk about anything and I know that they got my back no matter what...which is cool. The problem is when I run into guys that are NOT my friend and are trying to ask me out. I think that the old fashioned "good guy" is extinct. It's been a long, long, ass time since I went out on a date and had a good conversation with a gentleman. Just an average Joe with a good head on his shoulders...apparently, he does not exist.

4) The salon

Maybe this can go with number three but I don't know...I'll put it out there. I recently saw a straight guy getting his toe nails done at the nail shop. This is very unbecoming...I mean, men are out there fighting wars and some fool is in the salon getting his nails done...what the deuce man?

5)Manchester United

I am a Man U fanatic, I have Man U back packs, hair brushes, t-shirts, jerseys...u name it...I've got it. Last Wednesday was the absolute worst day for me this year. The Man U loss broke my heart!! And if I have to hear one more person "inform" me of the loss...woo-saaa...At least I'm not a Chelsea, Liverpool or even worse an Arsenal fan...those guys must have jumped over a cliff by now.

6)Loss

Death has hit hard this year...a lot of good friends and family have passed in the last six months. I am yet to find a way to deal with death, I fight my own demons every day...the absence of those that have passed diminishes little passions and increases great ones, just like the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire. Whoever said that time heals all wounds... freaking lied.

7)Summer

The summer is here..oh well, Maybe not in Baltimore because the weather is having a severe case of ADHD. I think this time round, things will be mellow...NOT!!! I intend to have a serious vacation...doing very serious fun things...with fun folks...Slainte!!! Here's to the goose!!

8)Food

I love to eat!! I intend to do a culinary tour of Baltimore and surrounding areas...if you are in B'more or around...send me an e-mail...I think it will be a fun thing to do.Good food, wine and people...a great way to spend a friday or Saturday night. Oh yeah, I've been making weekly stops at whole foods...apparently that's where the gastrosexuals hang out!! A man that can cook can be very useful...hmm...

9) The beach and swimsuits

I love, love, love the beach...and water. But..Oh...the agony!! I will be going to the beach this summer and it is horrific walking into a store to find a new bathing suit!! They have these cutesy looking bathing suits that fix "problem areas". Like if you have big thigs or big hips or big boobs there is a bathing suit that is the "perfect fix". Now, what if your WHOLE body is a problem area??? Do you get a super suit?nope...you have the distinct pleasure of walking your whole "problem area" out of the store while the skinny ass retail chics watch you pass by...geeze..it took me forever to find a bathing suit...back to online shopping!!

10) Yoga

I do yoga...religiously. My brother thinks its a whole bunch of crap but its awesome!! I must spread the word...if you have problems with joints...back pains...stresss...fatigue..whatever...try yoga...it's awesome. I love it!! I think I'm gonna try buddhist chanting or even better..tantric sex...um..maybe just buddhist chanting. Hopefully my brother can stand this, I have a feeling he is getting ready to throw me and my yoga mat out of the apartment...especially after he had to wait 20 mins for me to finish my routine in the living room before he could watch his basketball game...yikes...

I think thats it...I was going to tag people but alas...I waited too long and everyone has been tagged...

Slainte!!

Temptations...

I stared at him from across the table as he cut up his steak into tiny little pieces. I leaned back and sunk deeper into the chocolate colored booth. The leather was soft, and the place was warm and cozy. I lifted my glass and took a sip of the wine. It was light and crisp.I turned back at him. He chewed with a slight grunt, sauce dripped from his left cheek. He reached for a napkin and wiped it off with a sift stroke,never bothering to look up.After a couple of seconds, his long pasty hands reached for the beer at the end of the table. He took a swig of it , and almost immediately went back to his steak.

I had nothing to say. There was no idle chatter only the roar of words unsaid rolling around in my head.I could feel my heart beating faster, my body was slowly getting warmer.I was getting angrier. There is a thin line between love and hate, is all I could think. Calm yourself. You love this man. Did I? There he was, gloriously tall and handsome. I had loved those long arms on nights when I just wanted to be held, I found my nook on his chest on peaceful summer days.And now...now the hands looked like they were an uncoordinated mess. His lips now spewed words like daggers, shredding me to pieces. When he looked at me, his eyes made me wish I could sink into the ground and disappear.

I waited for him to finish his dinner and we left. We didn't have sex that night and I didn't let him drive me to the airport the next day. Funny, just a week earlier I had insisted on a weekend getaway just for the two of us and now I couldn't wait to get away from him.

I stared at the flickering fire.I will burn in hell for this, I thought. I turned my gaze towards him. He was lying next to me, dead asleep, covered in an ivory blanket. He had insisted on picking me up from the airport when my redeye landed. It had started snowing and we decided to go to his place for a night cap. We got the fire going and got half way through inside man, he kissed me.His lips were soft, his body was hard and his hands worked with excellent precision like a sculptor putting on his finishing touches. I completely disarmed and let myself become his piece. He was gentle, slowly moving through my every curve. By the time he was done I was ablaze. In an instant we were both naked, and he was on top of me, my thighs parted. I felt the thrust and it was almost electric. I was breathless. We made our way on to the thick carpeted floor and devoured each other until we were spent.

I couldn't fall asleep so I stared into the fire. After a couple of minutes I could hear clocks playing the background...my phone was going off. I dug into my purse, grabbed my cell and stared into the screen. It was him. I hesitated but picked up anyway. "Hello, did you make it home safe?" He asked. "Yeah, I did. I'm good. I have to get some sleep, I work tomorrow." I replied. "good night". I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to lie to a man I had dated for so long. I was numb. Motionless. I felt nothing.

The next morning I made my way home, took the day off and scrubbed myself silly. I washed my hair and took four showers. I felt dirty. I was.

The relationship didn't last long after that and I never saw the guy I had sex with ever again. The experience was something I never wanted to re-visit.

Some of my friends say that the act of cheating is directly proportional to the act of getting caught. If you don't get caught, then you never cheated. My moral compass, as fucked up as it is has me thinking if it ever was worth it...I guess not. c'est la vie...

Madonnafied?!

Every spring I go through the same set of emotions...I find myself thinking that maybe this year things will be different. I wake up every single morning yearning for that burst of sunlight that always seems to linger above the sky. From far away it teases me, dangling the possibility of that first perfect spring day. Days turn into weeks and then one morning I wake up and see the brightness of the morning light through my blinds...I can feel the rays piercing through my skin and I finally allow myself to embrace the thought that maybe, just maybe, this year I will get to write a different story.

The past 12 months have been bitter sweet.I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn't know who I was. I was different. My eyes spoke of pain and my lips..well...they were just dry. My skin had aged, my hair frail. I had no idea who I had become, or where the hell my lip gloss was. I had existed through life the past couple of months and tossed aside my feelings. In a way, I had lost a part of myself.

I decided it was time. Time to dig deep inside and re-discover what makes me tick...who the hell am I?? That weekend I sat in my room, stared at my white walls for what seemed like an eternity in an effort to find out who I really was. The result was incredible...at least to me. All I discovered was that I am a selfish psychopathic insomniac who likes to eat and really...is full of shit!! In other words...I am the full embodiment of what it is to be...damaged goods.

My therapist says that acceptance is they key or at least I imagine if I had a therapist that’s what he/she would say. As I sat there, I was reminded of what that old bugger, my dad, would say...make a list!! Move from the known...to the unknown. So here it is...a dis-interesting list of things that sort of make up who I am. I make no apologies...this is me...taking my first step...moving from the known...to the unknown...in an effort to re-discover myself.

1) I am fat.

Yes...not plus-sized...chubby...big boned...just fat. No need to dance around it. Have always been...and probably will always be. So please, before you ask me on a date, recognize this fact. Yes, I will order desert and no...I will not try to lose the 50-60 lbs..so I can look hot before you introduce me to your mother.

2) I love vodka

In a given week, I have to listen to a lot of crap. At the end of it all, I really just need my grey goose...and lots of it. Some may call it alcoholism... I call it Darwinism...my body has evolved in a manner that will allow it to survive the urban world...enough said.

3) I love food

Yes. I love cooking and trying out new recipes. It's theraputic...I have some rare flashes of brilliance in the kitchen. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

4)Movies

I can watch movies for days...and if I like an actor/actress...I usually IMDB them and watch about 5-6 movies that they have been in before...probably a stan move...but I find that it's always worth it.

5) Music

Every moment of my life has a soundtrack...break-ups, parties, bus rides....I would die without music. I love to dance naked around the house...probably why it takes me 10mins to open the door when anyone knocks...

6)Family

I love my family. We are a unique blend of liberal, whiny, witty, opinionated, occasional ass-holes who love to have verbal fights about absolutely anything and everything. Everyone in my family believes they are smarter than the other...and it has made for some very unique arguments.

7) Celibacy

I have not had sex for the longest time despite the fact that I love sex. Really, there is just no one out there that I would like to have sex with...its mind-boggling. Even my gyno is beginning to get worried...I'm still wondering how long this pause in my sex drive will last.

8) Religion

I am not religious but I believe in God. I am a baptist but I go to catholic mass every week. I like not being condemned every time I go to church.I always wonder what the purpose of life is and what path I'm supposed to take. I believe that there is a plan that God carved out for me and I'm busy jacking things up by trying to create my own plans.

9) Friends

I just realized how small my circle of friends is... I thought it was larger. It turns out the rest were just freaking posers...funny how things come into perspective when you are in need and 95% of your friends disappear.

10) Relationships

It took me a year and a half to get over my last break-up. That relationship has ruined all my subsequent relationships...I will never trust a man like that ever again...my guard will always be half-way up. I have come to accept that men...no matter how high of a pedestal you put them on...are just that...men.

11)Bloggers and Readers

I have realized that everything I write on this blog has an impact...either negative or positive. Every action has a reaction and I must accept the consequences. Meeting or talking to people who blog and/or have read my blog has been a touchy experience. I have met some very opinionated readers...some I wanted to give a smack down, others I wanted to hug. Basically, the women think I'm a bitch and the men think I'm a slut. On rare occasions I have ran into people who have something good to say...which is always nice. For this reason, I have thought of moderating the comments on my blog...but have not done so. I believe in expression of mind...so please express yourself. However, I hope that you also realize that you will be held accountable for these "expressions". If we do meet, I hope that you realize your right-wing opinions my just feel the wrath of my left hook...enough said.

12) Life

is short...I have to live more.


Slainte!!