Supaflyshi

God, Bikram and Chocolate

2011-03-25T07:40:00.001-04:00

It's no secret...I love to eat. And how could anyone not? I mean, who could resist perfectly made pasta on a wonderful bed of tomatoey sauce and veg. A good ugali, sukuma wiki and eggs is nothing to be snuffed at. Oh...and the wonderful delights of chocolate...and I mean GOOD chocolate not the kind eroded with lots of milk and copius amounts of sugar. This I fear could go on forever (must focus).

Let me start from the beginning...of 2011 that is. I had been quite happy cohabiting with my big brother for most of the last decade until he recently discovered the wonderful comforts of true love and decided to get married. That ended my cozy existence and I, at the tender age of 27 was thrust into the unforgiving world of apartment hunting, paying rent and bills (in full!) and being responsible for self. I would have gladly gone back to my mother's house until she boldly announced that my old bedroom is now an extension of her closet and the fact that I had to stay in Baltimore and fininsh my grad degree didn't help either.

After weeks of hunting, I finally found a box-sized studio apartment in a lovely historic downtown neighborhood that I could afford . Apart from the fact that this place has no closet space to speak of it is actually quite cute and cozy, big enough for my chubster ass, my books, bakers rack and squsihy. We are for the most part, happy.

After weeks of exploring my neighborhood I got quickly accustomed to frequenting tiny bistros that are always willing to cater to poor college students on a budget. I may have many financial limitations but I eat like a king and that unfortunately is where my problems start. Last week, as I was sitting on the patio of my fav french bistro devouring the last mouthfuls of a wonderful chocolate souffle I noticed something pretty weird. One was that my pudge was getting noticeably bigger, the other was that everyone who went past me was totally svelte, good looking and in their work out gear. Most were totting yoga mats and the rest were in full throttle getting the benefits of a nice afternoon run. I on the other hand was looking at the menu considering what dessert I was going to take home. I settled on a nice fruit tart (isn't it semi-healthy?) and shamefully carried my prize home as throngs of workout freaks whizzed past me in heir tiny biker shorts and overpriced sneakers.

As fate my have it, a couple of days later I got an email reminding me of some bikram yoga classes I had paid for and never attended. Deciding that the universe was trying to tell me something I woke up early the next day, grabbed my yoga mat, a water bottle and extra towels. I was ready for bikram.Now for those that don't know, Bikram yoga classes run exactly 90 minutes and consist of a set series of 26 postures and 2 breathing exercises. That's sounds great...the only problem is that the room is heated to 105°F (≈ 40.6°C) with a humidity of 40%. What can I say...the brochure put it in a much nicer way.

So there I was, draped in my mismatched yoga outfit, with my oversize tummy peeking out at the bottom in a room full of match-stick like blondes and their minute shorts. The instructor walks in and starts immediately...Sheila...where's Sheila? Scared...I raise my hand. Everyone's eyes quickly settle on me at the back of the room. "Thank you for coming to bikram. I understand that this is your first class. I recommend that you start slowly... by watching others to learn the postures. Please remember to hydrate often and take breaks when needed. I only ask that you do not leave the room as this disrupts others in their practice." I nodded. In the back of my mind I'm thinking...Don't leave the room? It's a 100 degrees in here! There is a high probability that I could die. I could just imagine the number of jokes that would erupt at my funeral.My family never passes up such opportunities. Panic sets in and I start praying. "Dear God, please help me get through this. I don't want do die in a hot sweaty room full of people I don't know.All I wanted to do was to get some exercise and be somewhat healthy." Damn you social ecological theory!

So the class begins and there I am at the back of the class sweating buckets trying to keep up. Bikram is intense and it doesn't help that you are wet most of the time...sweat trickles down every crack and crevice. The heat is relentless and unforgiving. Half way through I was near death...praying for the end to come. The only thing I could hear is don't close your eyes or you'll pass out. So the words don't pass out kept ringing in my head. I kept going and salvation finally came. I have never run out of a class so fast and have never appreciated a cool breeze as much as I did on that day. It was like one of those movie scenes when everything clicks and all you hear is a cool soundtrack piece like this one. Despite the near death experience,the adrenaline rush was so freaking awesome I went back the next day and the one after that.Some people think that I'm an utterly stupid and insane masochist but I've never felt better.

I was reading through my older blog posts a couple of days back and I was thinking about how much I've changed as a person and a writer. When I was 21 life was all about excess, the pursuit of sex and love in many variations. It's funny how my life is now about different ideas and forms of expression. I'm celibate (by choice) and I'm learning to find adventure and peace in the oddest of places. I also find myself looking for God in everything. I pray a lot and I try to read the Bible everyday. I have a weird love for poetry and it turns out some of the best poetic verses are in the bible. Who knew?

I have no idea what the purpose of this post is...maybe it's just a snapshot, a reminder for when I look at this page 10 years from now. But I hope that whoever reads this gets the oomph to try something new or finds the desire to revisit something they once loved but lost along the way ...no matter what the repercussions.

Namaste.

Not Kenyan Enough?

2011-01-18T11:00:00.010-05:00

Happy New Year to all! It's been a while since I've been here...suffered through a patch of writer's block but it feels good to be back. I'm stuck ~~working at home~~ catching up on the golden globes movie list in my warm jammies since the east coast is dealing with some icy weather.

I read a lot of blogs written by Kenyans who are back at home and some in the diaspora and I've discovered some of the coolest writers...it makes me proud to be both a writer and dare I say...a Kenyan. This past winter has been a bit chillier than most especially to the folk who live in the diaspora and went back home for a visit. Turns out the minute you head for a visit back home during the months of November -January you are a deemed summer bunny and thus dismissed by the folk back home as dumb, pretentious and pseudo Kenyan. People have been made fun of, weaves laughed at, jobs snared at,accents deconstructed and once robust personalities crushed.

I have to admit...some folk out there are douche bags and sadly cannot change ... regardless of what continent they reside.But I have to say, there is always a story ... here is mine:

I was born some twenty-seven years ago in Pumwani Hospital...an unplanned pregnancy but still a welcome birth. My mum was a secretary in the government and my dad a faithful KANU party supporter, a patriot who faithfully donned green, black and red ties garnished with a jogoo pin most of his life. My mum is from Western Kenya and my dad the coast so I spent many school holidays criss-crossing the country visiting aunts, uncles, cousins and great-grandparents. I was a happy chubster and I had a great childhood.

I went to primary school on river road and witnessed most of the saba-saba riots firsthand, I felt the burn of teargas when I eight, I stood in awe when I saw my first solar eclipse in 1996, I experienced the birth of the multi-party movement, I lost friends in the bomb blast, I had my first drink at a local in Kahawa Sukari, my first kiss in a mat, lost my virginity while caressed by a cool Mombasa breeze and had many life-changing moments on Kenyan soil.

I moved to the US about a decade ago when I turned eighteen. By that time my dad had been gone for five years and my mother had barely survived getting me through high school. I remember when we had the "talk" and she explained that I couldn't stay at home anymore; not if I wanted to go to college and make something of myself..there just wasn't enough money to go around. She wanted the best for me and the reality was she could not afford the best in Kenya so I had to leave.

Six moths later, I found myself on another continent, one where I've never felt welcome, starting out my undergrad career. I've worked many odd jobs to support myself and get an education, I've grown up faster than I would have liked to...I've been robbed, I have stared into the barrel of a SWAT gun and even ducked bullets. I have been battered and bruised but I have also triumphed; I've fallen in love and out of love, forged lifelong friendships and I'm finally in a career that I am absolutely in passionate about.

Through all of this I have dreamt of home. I've had dreams of visiting my grandparents in Gichagi, putting flowers on my father's grave,diving into the Indian Ocean and even having a drink with friends at Bob's. I'll be visiting home soon for the first time in a decade...it's weird because I feel kinda homeless now...turns out I'm not American enough to be called an American but I'm also not Kenyan enough to be called a true Kenyan. I know that it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks...but it still bugs me. In the end I guess what matters is that I'll be coming home...papa I'm coming home.

Battles

2010-10-17T02:31:00.000-04:00

These past couple of months have been really hectic. I feel like I've been moving in a thousand different directions and getting nowhere. It's weird how one day I had everything figured out and the next day everything fell to pieces. I've been through the worst these past couple of weeks and yet as I sit here on a cold Sunday morning I'm reminded of the sheer beauty of life, its simplicity and its promise.

This past Friday I got to hang out with one of my friends on her birthday. It was a typical Friday night, dinner and drinks thereafter. It felt great to just let loose and let everything go. I made new friends and enjoyed great conversations; though the moments were short-lived I will remember them for many years to come. It was like I was breathing for the first time. A weight had been lifted...in the middle of a club at 1.30am surrounded by complete strangers, I was having my aha moment. I realized that whatever battles I have to go through, however deep the scars, eventually the clouds will lift and the sun will shine again.

I've spent these past couple of months in conflict dueling with people in my professional and my personal life fighting just to stay afloat and to stay true to myself. I am exhausted. The battle swords and axes are down. The armor is off. I refuse to fight any longer.

I think I'm finally growing up and slowly figuring out what really matters to me. I'm moving in a totally different direction. I'm scared but I think it's worth the shot.

The road not taken: Robert Frost (1915)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Life as the " FAT KID"

2010-10-10T07:23:00.002-04:00

For as long as I can remember, I was always the "fat kid" growing up. Because of my chubbinesque nature, I just never fit in. I was teased at home by my brothers, at school by teachers and students..even the security guys took shots at me; in the neighborhood I was always the last one to be picked for any game. It didn't matter what game it was, shake, rounders, cops and robbers I was the kid no one wanted on their team. The only exception was probably hide and seek which meant I was the one always looking for everyone else...I did get them back though...one afternoon I stopped looking and went home for a nap...I kept those fellas hiding for about two hours which was pretty awesome.

I think the teenage years were pretty much the worst for me. Teenage boys and girls can be pretty brutal when it comes to looks, and I definitely had the "wrong" looks. I had to suffer through some really bad days, the comments were just horrible.

As I got older, I developed a pretty thick skin and slowly learned how to react to the negative comments and rude remarks. I had to accept that regardless of my size, I still would have never fit in. I was never the cool chic (still not). I like to hang out at museums and antique shops, I prefer flats to heels, I love to read, I spend hours on end searching for indie movies on netflix, I think that the history of vaccines is the coolest thing I read this week and I memorize Lord Byron and W.H. Auden poems...I REALLY don't fit in.

This week I thought a lot about Tyler Clementi, an 18 year old freshman at Rutger's University who committed suicide after his "friend" streamed a video of him having sex with another man. The experience was so painful for Tyler that he jumped off the George Washington bridge into the Hudson River.

I never knew Tyler but I wish that there was someone there to tell him that it gets better, that it's okay to not fit in. I wish that there was someone to let him know that although life is full of pricks, there are a lot more people out there who are understanding and open to relationships with people from all walks of life. I wish that Tyler didn't have to go through what he went through, I wish that he was still alive, enjoying his freshman year playing music as he had planned...I wish the world was a better place.

Back to the basics

2010-10-05T15:20:00.000-04:00

I can't believe the summer is over! It's only the beginning of October and it's already freezing outside. So much for global warming. I was sitting at my desk last week and was thinking about how much I had missed blogging and just writing...for the heck of it and not because of a deadline. I promised myself that I would do more writing...and not just update my facebook status.Thank God I'm not on twitter otherwise I think I'll be gone forever, most on my friends are on it and I'm assured it makes you feel like you are on crack. I think I'll stick to sugar, fow now.

Other than getting old..I'm getting really old...really old.I have had ZERO adventures these past couple of months so I may not have much to write about...but I think I'll give it a try. I've also started another blog Warrior Up for Women which I also hope to update regularly. I'm open to guest bloggers so check it out and e-mail me if you would like to warrior up and give a voice to some issues you think are important. Would love to hear from everyone out there.

see...just like that...a post is done and I'm back...It's good to be back :o)

A rose is still a rose

2010-07-20T00:41:00.007-04:00

I grew up with two brothers who are five and seven years older than me. My mum travelled a lot because of work so most of the time I was the "lady" of the house. In many ways, I was protected. There was always someone who had my back.

I also remember always wanting to be a guy so I could go camping, stay out all hours of the night without much concern from my parents.I used to complain about this alot until my aunt put it into perspective for me...sort of. She said that the boys have a lot more freedom because it's easier...when shit hits the fan...to put a boy back together than it is to put together a girl. Boys are more black and white with some shades of grey. Girls have a touch of every color of the rainbow in every hue...they are much more complex.

As much as I hate to admit it now...I feel like it's true. Women are much more complicated, they have so many layers to them and no two are alike...no matter what anyone says.

I'm working on a project right now on domestic violence in the city and the past few weeks have been emotionally taxing on me. I've heard stories from so many different women about how being in an abusive relationship has slowly killed every part of their being...how their self-esteem has been shredded and how simply things I take for granted like waking up and going out has become a scary thing for them.

One of the ladies mentioned that her boyfriend threw her out of the third storey window because the dinner wan't to his liking, another talked of how her husband tied her naked to a bed and used pliers to pull her pubic hair...along with her skin because she had not found time to go for a waxing that week.

I hear their stories and I am transported to the first time a man took something from me that I had not freely given. I was fourteen, shy and slowly trying to come to terms with how my body was changing. I had just gotten a new training bra that week and was so self-conscious and completely vulnerable. I was walking to the savanis bookstore in the CBD when from nowhere this guy comes up and grabs my boobs gives them a rub and holds on to them, laughs and then runs off. I was horrified. It didn't help that other men were there just laughing at the incident. As a woman, I've gone through hundreds of such incidents, at clubs...on the street...in pubs...people groping, grabbing ass, rubbing their dicks against you, just gross unwanted attention.

I think it all boils down to how the society views its women...a week or so ago I was listening to a radio show online by Kenyan presenters and there was no shortage of that chic is a langa,ho slut or whatever. It didn't matter that there was a female presenter in the audience who also contributed to the storyline.

Some may think that it is not a big deal how we treat our girls when they are growing up and subsequently how we treat our women but it is. It matters that you don't refer to your sister or your girlfriend as a bitch or a ho, it matters that you respect her when she says no. It matters that whatever the case may be that you don't raise your hand against her...it matters that you lift her up and let her know that she is loved and is worth something.

Someone very dear to me once said...always remember that the heart is the strongest muscle in the body, if you can keep it going...then everything else, even when failing can be reseurrected. These past few weeks have reminded me of that fact...I have met some of the most beautiful, resilient women who have gotten through some of the crappiest situations to become such great forces.

For every woman or girl out there who reads this...I want you to know that a rose...will always be a rose regardless of how it looks, what anyone thinks, says or does. You are beautiful, in your own special, wonderful way so go out there and kick ass!!! Don't be afraid to spread your wings and become what you always wanted to be, hold on to your dreams, your self respect and yur essence...whatever that is to you. Savor life, and treasure it...just fly.

As for the men, rember that what you say or do has a great impact. Please treat the women in your life with love and respect...especially your daughters because they will remember and take it with them for the rest of their lives.

To dad, mum and my brothers...thank you for helping me become the woman I am today...I will always remember and cherish that...I love you...always.

peace...

Losing my balance...

2010-06-07T01:33:00.004-04:00

I woke up Sunday afternoon at 3.00 as is customary after a long night of movie watching. It's sort of tradition, I hang out with the boys til 1.00am and watch movies until about 8 or 9. This way I get to squeeze in 4-5 movies on my list...and it keeps me happy.

This Sunday was kind of weird for me though, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something...someone. Earlier last week, I had gotten phone-calls and texts from two of my exes which was enough to catapult me back into the past, one I'd rather forget. As you may know,I am no expert on love or matters of the heart. In fact, I suck! plain and simple.

After exchanging texts with one of my exes who happens to be in an awesome relationship with some femme fatale...I'm left to think...where the heck did I go wrong?

I'm 26 (oh Lawd) and still solidly single...almost three years after my last break-up. I mean, no single prospect...not one. I'm stuck in the freaking desert. The only good thing is I have freshly made chocolate brownies, half a bottle of Johnny Walker black, three fourths of a bottle of goose and four bottles of wine to go before I'm completely dry.

It's funny how I hated the concept of being in a relationship a year ago...I hated the idea of commitment, and faux vows of love till the end. Now I check out couples in the park...kissing and holding hands and can help but think...I want someone to hold hands with! I want cheesy walks on the beach (even if it's all slugged up with BP's oil), quiet candle-lit dinners in tiny restaurants and cute love notes during the day. Oh where art thou hand holder guy?

I have to admit...I miss it. I miss being at a party and staring across the room to lock eyes with someone I'm in love with. I miss morning kisses, foot rubs after a long day, I miss fighting for covers in the middle of the night,I miss having really good "turn you out" sex, I miss random texts in the middle of the day, I miss someone looking at me and saying that they love me...even if it won't last forever. I miss having someone to hold me when things fall apart, I miss having someone there when I lose my balance.

I miss being in love...

Alcohol, Chocolate and Squishy

2010-05-22T02:50:00.008-04:00

It's three o'clock in the morning,curtains open, windows bare...it is silent. All I can hear are the echoes of weird rock songs mixed up in my head. I just consumed a magnum of riesling that made me forget, even if it was for a couple of hours what it means to be here...and how life can sometimes be painful.

I like to be in control. It's just what I do. I plan everything to the most minute detail. I'm making a stew for a dinner party tomorrow and I have everything sorted out in my head...from when I'll wake up, how I'll do some cleaning, when I'll call my BFF to complain about the cleaning, when I'll get myself together and step out of the house...but not before sprinkling the last bits of basil on the stew. My brain is a factory of weird thoughts, all manufactured at a specific time in a specific manner and executed in the most seamless way possible...if I can help it. And most of the time, I can.

This past few weeks have been like a brutal beatdown. I got the wind shook out of me and basically got knocked the fuck out! The worst thing is I had no idea that is was coming.

A couple of weeks back I lost my job or maybe I was terminated...I won't get into the details...let's just say I'm unemployed,officially.It may not seem like a big deal to a lot of people but it was like the freaking world had ended for me. I am a certified workaholic...I go to school, I work, I work, I work, I work some more, I drink, I eat and that's about it. That's the story of my life.

So there I was, on a freaking Friday afternoon, out of a job, standing in downtown Baltimore with a bunch of crap in my hands from my desk. I couldn't even go to my favorite pub cause it closed down (freaking sucky economy!)No vodka when I needed it most! I almost passed out...but I didn't...the ground was too freaking dirty and the puddle next to me was gooey gunk..and who wants a freaking bacterial infection after being fired...right?

I finally get home after a long ass bus ride and get into my room. Then there was the breakdown. I cried for freaking 36 hours on my bedroom floor. All this time just thinking, what the hell am I gonna do now??? I'm 26 and freaking unemployed and I look like shit. My hair is a mess, I'm breaking out, my nails could claw someone to death and my brows look like chubaka's...and am I feaking growing a moustasche?!

After spending a couple of days having breakdowns and berating myself for being a loser..I finally had an aha moment...from some random lady on TV...who knew? She talked about a whole bunch of stuff that I won't get into but the overall message was this: forgive yourself! just learn to forgive yourself!

Apparently, I am my own worst critic. I could never forgive myself for anything because to me I was just never good enough...I didn't deserve it. It turns out that it's okay to not be perfect all the time...to not follow the freaking white line that I drew for myself when I was 13??? It's okay to deviate from the "master plan" and just let it go. Sometimes you have got to break the rules.

And I did. Funny how things fall into place when you are not fiddling with them all the time. I finished off a great semester at school...currently working on an awesome research project for my thesis and enjoying the summer. I smile more...I laugh more...I am nicer (so I've heard)...I talk to people on the bus...I cook more...I bake...life is different...even dare I say it...sweeter.

We had some showers a couple of days back and I decided to run outside and dance in the rain. Why? Because I thought it would be something cool to experience. So I did it. Wine bottle in hand, mint chocolate in my mouth and squishy (my ever faithful bear) under my arm. It was 4.00am and all I could hear in my head was "bruises" by chairlift so I drank and danced...for a solid five minutes.Best five minutes I ever spent!

so what am I rambling on about here...life. And I'm not gonna say that life is short...it isn't. Life is looooong...a painful arduous lesson in reality...and the rawness and brutality of it. For those who get to live long enough, as most of you will...take time to savour the bits and pieces that really count. In the end, the "white lines" and the "master plans" won't even matter...it's the unpredictable moments that you will always remember and have stories to tell about.

Invictus...

2010-01-16T23:46:00.003-05:00

So here I am at my desk, air drying after a super hot shower and trying my best not to scratch my boob, ass or my back one more time. Just found out that I'm allergic to some mushrooms and that culinary adventure yesterday afternoon wasn't such a good idea. Who knew black bean burgers on a bed of mushrooms and chipotle sauce could cause so much pain...grrr...I have hives all over and I'M TIRED OF SCRATCHING!!! So...I will blog instead.
I watched Invictus this afternoon and it turned out to be a pretty good movie and the poet...Henley who wrote Invictus isn't that bad either. I've enjoyed some of the poems he wrote but I think these are the best lines I've read so far...

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I am the master of my fate...it keeps ringing in my head. I'm one of those people who believes in fate...and destiny. I believe that everyone has a path in this life they must take, a sort of prophecy that they must fulfill and the task of course is figuring out what exactly that path is and what you are meant to accomplish.
It turns out it isn't that easy. On new year's eve 2009, a super chilly rainy evening I found myself in church with a guy from class that I'm not particularly fond of...but I was in church. I'm not the most religious person out there but I believe in God and lately I find that I look for God in everything.
I was an atheist for a time after my dad died. I refused to believe that he existed...if he was the giver of life then why did he let the most important person in my life die. I was broken and God was to remain unforgiven. It took a long time for me to come back to God and to accept the death of my father but I can honestly say that it's ok. Even though it took me 12 years it feels great to just be ok. To not burn with anger, to not breakdown in tears when I see childhood pictures, to not feel pangs when I hear my friends call their dad and know that I could never do that...I'm ok and I'm grateful for the short time we had together.
So back to this fate thing. I keep wondering what on earth I'm supposed to do with my life...what on earth am I really supposed to accomplish? My career is not where it's supposed to be but I'm getting there. My personal life...hmm...I need to work on, it is definitely neglected. I was talking to one my girls tonight and she asks...do you think we'll ever get married? I've been single forever and I can't seem to meet someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Is it even possible to fall in love these days?? Damn singledom!!!
As I look back on that conversation, I wonder the same thing. Everyday I get e-mails and texts from my single friends all focused on getting the right man and getting married and I wonder...is it the same on the other side? Do guys send each other text messages talking about how to find the right woman and when to get married...are they as worried as the female population?
When I was growing up I had this picture of how my life would be when I grew up. I was in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant after a decent day doing house chores, cooking for my awesomely good looking husband...all this whilst one leave from my private practice. I think most women grow up thinking that somehow somewhere the perfect man lurks and will be found...regardless of all the crap it takes to get him.
Then you grow up and find out that there is no perfect man, just like there is no perfect woman and so what happens...do you give up altogether? Do you just focus on career, finally adopt and get that perfect house you always wanted...with the big kitchen, huge closet and jetted tub...or do you wait for your perfect match?
I for one have no idea...but it would be great to meet a guy who likes to have dinner in tiny cafés in the city...someone who loves to have great conversations until the wee hours of the morning...someone who likes to hold hands and doesn't mind a gentle kiss in public...someone intelligent and most importantly someone who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to go for it.
Who knows, maybe 2010 is the year all of us get to find someone special and hopefully this time it lasts, hopefully this year we all get to exceed expectations and achieve our goals, maybe this year we all get to live more, thrive and open our hearts to bigger and better things...

For now, I'm off to try that new dolphin I got for Christmas...dildos have come way a freaking long way!!! This one does everything but get you breakfast in bed...it's quite an efficient piece of machinery and it's pretty good looking...I hope it delivers...

For my blogger friends...I wish you love, blessings and much fuego for 2010...be the master of your fate.

Peace...

Rejection...

2009-12-25T02:58:00.005-05:00

It's 3.00am on Christmas day. The house is quiet and empty and I'm prancing around in my undies savoring every mouthful of weetabix that I just got from a friend. A Christmas treat...oh soo cherished...the nostalgia...I miss Nairobi, I miss home.
After months and months of ignoring my writing I'm actually glad to be back. A lot has happened this past year and hopefully I can take a step back and try and wrap my mind around it all.

This year started with that gut wrenching rejection.

For years I had dreams of him. I wanted for us to be together, even if for a short time. I wanted to flirt, tease, hold hands, have first fights, dance, drink, burn with anger against him, I wanted to know what it felt like to be a part of him and him a part of me. In my heart I knew being with him would make me better. I knew that if we were together, even for a moment people would notice me, they would see me in a different light, they would want to hear what I said.
I remember long sleepless nights, long prayers at mass while kneeling down asking God to hear my pleadings...knowing that if HE refused I would surely die. I sent out my letter on a cold December morning in 2008 letting him know of my intentions. My heart was in that envelope, I had given it all I had.
I waited four long months for a response and one spring afternoon a letter came.My heart stopped.I saw the envelope with his address and my name printed neatly on it. How sweet. He had used my favorite font. The words in that tiny envelope could change my life forever, I thought. I cradled the letter on my chest for hours and finally gathered enough oomph to open it.

Dear Miss s,

Thank you for your application.....we regret to inform you that your application to John's Hopkins University was declined. We wish you the best in your endeavors.

My heart broke, I cried in my closet for hours.How could I not be good enough...I did all the right things...grades, GRE scores, community service.I still wasn't good enough. How dare they? I even started working out grrrhh...I had lost two pounds...I know I'm a work in progress but how?I was mad...but I was still rejected. I was a mad, chunky, geeky, rejected potential grad student crying in a dark closet. I guess I had no freaking potential since I was of course, rejected.
Most of my friends and family don't understand what the big deal is. It's funny because I spent most of the past six years stuck in libraries and in the lab hoping that one day I would get to do grad research at JHU. I was my mentor's Hebrew slave my entire senior year... I had dreams of working with some of the best at JHU and here I was, a loser in my closet.
As I look back I realize that the chips may not always fall where I want them to...they fall where they please. Sometimes we forget that we don't always get to chart the course, sometimes the winds get to do that for us.
I am not perfect, far from it, but I strive for perfection. I'm slowly beginning to discover what true perfection really is.
Perfection is having a shitty day and having your best friend sing you a song in the middle of the day to make you feel better. Perfection is having a big brother drive you to Panera for soup at the beginning of a snow storm because it's that time of the month and you are nippy. Perfection is having conversations with your inherited year old niece who tells you stories about elmo and soup and bubbles. Perfection is waking up one morning and realizing that I am a geeky, chunky, blossoming scientist who loves chocolate cake, rock and vodka...and who was accepted into an awesome grad program regardless...

Perfection is accepting the rejections and embracing all the shortcomings.

Perfection is the breath of life...live it.

Merry Christmas!!

Honest Scrap Award

2009-06-01T22:30:00.005-04:00

Friends, Romans, countrymen...I would like to thank the academy, mwanamishale and Bomseh for awarding me the the Honest Scrap award.Since I can't win the lottery, it's only fair that I win this most absolutely useless award. Apparently I let too much out of the bag, I share too much of myself with the blogosphere. I think it's highly theraputic...and it allows me to be honest with myself and who I am. I once read somewhere that life only improves when one takes chances, and the first and most difficult risk any of us can take it to be honest with ourselves. Hmm...so be it.

Drumroll....

1) Music

I cannot live without it. I go trough phases where I am comletely obsessed with an artist or a band and devour their every song. I have played 13,886 songs on my zune and I'm still going. My current obsessions are Adele and Daudi Kabaka.

2) Movies

I cry at movies. I know they aren't true but I can't help it. I get so entwined with the character and it's a mess after that. I watched rachel getting married last weekend and cried buckets!! It was terrible.

3) Men

I have the coolest guy friends...ever! I mean, we can talk about anything and I know that they got my back no matter what...which is cool. The problem is when I run into guys that are NOT my friend and are trying to ask me out. I think that the old fashioned "good guy" is extinct. It's been a long, long, ass time since I went out on a date and had a good conversation with a gentleman. Just an average Joe with a good head on his shoulders...apparently, he does not exist.

4) The salon

Maybe this can go with number three but I don't know...I'll put it out there. I recently saw a straight guy getting his toe nails done at the nail shop. This is very unbecoming...I mean, men are out there fighting wars and some fool is in the salon getting his nails done...what the deuce man?

5)Manchester United

I am a Man U fanatic, I have Man U back packs, hair brushes, t-shirts, jerseys...u name it...I've got it. Last Wednesday was the absolute worst day for me this year. The Man U loss broke my heart!! And if I have to hear one more person "inform" me of the loss...woo-saaa...At least I'm not a Chelsea, Liverpool or even worse an Arsenal fan...those guys must have jumped over a cliff by now.

6)Loss

Death has hit hard this year...a lot of good friends and family have passed in the last six months. I am yet to find a way to deal with death, I fight my own demons every day...the absence of those that have passed diminishes little passions and increases great ones, just like the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire. Whoever said that time heals all wounds... freaking lied.

7)Summer

The summer is here..oh well, Maybe not in Baltimore because the weather is having a severe case of ADHD. I think this time round, things will be mellow...NOT!!! I intend to have a serious vacation...doing very serious fun things...with fun folks...Slainte!!! Here's to the goose!!

8)Food

I love to eat!! I intend to do a culinary tour of Baltimore and surrounding areas...if you are in B'more or around...send me an e-mail...I think it will be a fun thing to do.Good food, wine and people...a great way to spend a friday or Saturday night. Oh yeah, I've been making weekly stops at whole foods...apparently that's where the gastrosexuals hang out!! A man that can cook can be very useful...hmm...

9) The beach and swimsuits

I love, love, love the beach...and water. But..Oh...the agony!! I will be going to the beach this summer and it is horrific walking into a store to find a new bathing suit!! They have these cutesy looking bathing suits that fix "problem areas". Like if you have big thigs or big hips or big boobs there is a bathing suit that is the "perfect fix". Now, what if your WHOLE body is a problem area??? Do you get a super suit?nope...you have the distinct pleasure of walking your whole "problem area" out of the store while the skinny ass retail chics watch you pass by...geeze..it took me forever to find a bathing suit...back to online shopping!!

10) Yoga

I do yoga...religiously. My brother thinks its a whole bunch of crap but its awesome!! I must spread the word...if you have problems with joints...back pains...stresss...fatigue..whatever...try yoga...it's awesome. I love it!! I think I'm gonna try buddhist chanting or even better..tantric sex...um..maybe just buddhist chanting. Hopefully my brother can stand this, I have a feeling he is getting ready to throw me and my yoga mat out of the apartment...especially after he had to wait 20 mins for me to finish my routine in the living room before he could watch his basketball game...yikes...

I think thats it...I was going to tag people but alas...I waited too long and everyone has been tagged...

Slainte!!

Temptations...

2009-05-04T09:54:00.005-04:00

I stared at him from across the table as he cut up his steak into tiny little pieces. I leaned back and sunk deeper into the chocolate colored booth. The leather was soft, and the place was warm and cozy. I lifted my glass and took a sip of the wine. It was light and crisp.I turned back at him. He chewed with a slight grunt, sauce dripped from his left cheek. He reached for a napkin and wiped it off with a sift stroke,never bothering to look up.After a couple of seconds, his long pasty hands reached for the beer at the end of the table. He took a swig of it , and almost immediately went back to his steak.

I had nothing to say. There was no idle chatter only the roar of words unsaid rolling around in my head.I could feel my heart beating faster, my body was slowly getting warmer.I was getting angrier. There is a thin line between love and hate, is all I could think. Calm yourself. You love this man. Did I? There he was, gloriously tall and handsome. I had loved those long arms on nights when I just wanted to be held, I found my nook on his chest on peaceful summer days.And now...now the hands looked like they were an uncoordinated mess. His lips now spewed words like daggers, shredding me to pieces. When he looked at me, his eyes made me wish I could sink into the ground and disappear.

I waited for him to finish his dinner and we left. We didn't have sex that night and I didn't let him drive me to the airport the next day. Funny, just a week earlier I had insisted on a weekend getaway just for the two of us and now I couldn't wait to get away from him.

I stared at the flickering fire.I will burn in hell for this, I thought. I turned my gaze towards him. He was lying next to me, dead asleep, covered in an ivory blanket. He had insisted on picking me up from the airport when my redeye landed. It had started snowing and we decided to go to his place for a night cap. We got the fire going and got half way through inside man, he kissed me.His lips were soft, his body was hard and his hands worked with excellent precision like a sculptor putting on his finishing touches. I completely disarmed and let myself become his piece. He was gentle, slowly moving through my every curve. By the time he was done I was ablaze. In an instant we were both naked, and he was on top of me, my thighs parted. I felt the thrust and it was almost electric. I was breathless. We made our way on to the thick carpeted floor and devoured each other until we were spent.

I couldn't fall asleep so I stared into the fire. After a couple of minutes I could hear clocks playing the background...my phone was going off. I dug into my purse, grabbed my cell and stared into the screen. It was him. I hesitated but picked up anyway. "Hello, did you make it home safe?" He asked. "Yeah, I did. I'm good. I have to get some sleep, I work tomorrow." I replied. "good night". I couldn't believe how easy it was for me to lie to a man I had dated for so long. I was numb. Motionless. I felt nothing.

The next morning I made my way home, took the day off and scrubbed myself silly. I washed my hair and took four showers. I felt dirty. I was.

The relationship didn't last long after that and I never saw the guy I had sex with ever again. The experience was something I never wanted to re-visit.

Some of my friends say that the act of cheating is directly proportional to the act of getting caught. If you don't get caught, then you never cheated. My moral compass, as fucked up as it is has me thinking if it ever was worth it...I guess not. c'est la vie...

Madonnafied?!

2009-04-21T22:49:00.002-04:00

Every spring I go through the same set of emotions...I find myself thinking that maybe this year things will be different. I wake up every single morning yearning for that burst of sunlight that always seems to linger above the sky. From far away it teases me, dangling the possibility of that first perfect spring day. Days turn into weeks and then one morning I wake up and see the brightness of the morning light through my blinds...I can feel the rays piercing through my skin and I finally allow myself to embrace the thought that maybe, just maybe, this year I will get to write a different story.

The past 12 months have been bitter sweet.I looked at myself in the mirror one day and didn't know who I was. I was different. My eyes spoke of pain and my lips..well...they were just dry. My skin had aged, my hair frail. I had no idea who I had become, or where the hell my lip gloss was. I had existed through life the past couple of months and tossed aside my feelings. In a way, I had lost a part of myself.

I decided it was time. Time to dig deep inside and re-discover what makes me tick...who the hell am I?? That weekend I sat in my room, stared at my white walls for what seemed like an eternity in an effort to find out who I really was. The result was incredible...at least to me. All I discovered was that I am a selfish psychopathic insomniac who likes to eat and really...is full of shit!! In other words...I am the full embodiment of what it is to be...damaged goods.

My therapist says that acceptance is they key or at least I imagine if I had a therapist that’s what he/she would say. As I sat there, I was reminded of what that old bugger, my dad, would say...make a list!! Move from the known...to the unknown. So here it is...a dis-interesting list of things that sort of make up who I am. I make no apologies...this is me...taking my first step...moving from the known...to the unknown...in an effort to re-discover myself.

1) I am fat.

Yes...not plus-sized...chubby...big boned...just fat. No need to dance around it. Have always been...and probably will always be. So please, before you ask me on a date, recognize this fact. Yes, I will order desert and no...I will not try to lose the 50-60 lbs..so I can look hot before you introduce me to your mother.

2) I love vodka

In a given week, I have to listen to a lot of crap. At the end of it all, I really just need my grey goose...and lots of it. Some may call it alcoholism... I call it Darwinism...my body has evolved in a manner that will allow it to survive the urban world...enough said.

3) I love food

Yes. I love cooking and trying out new recipes. It's theraputic...I have some rare flashes of brilliance in the kitchen. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

4)Movies

I can watch movies for days...and if I like an actor/actress...I usually IMDB them and watch about 5-6 movies that they have been in before...probably a stan move...but I find that it's always worth it.

5) Music

Every moment of my life has a soundtrack...break-ups, parties, bus rides....I would die without music. I love to dance naked around the house...probably why it takes me 10mins to open the door when anyone knocks...

6)Family

I love my family. We are a unique blend of liberal, whiny, witty, opinionated, occasional ass-holes who love to have verbal fights about absolutely anything and everything. Everyone in my family believes they are smarter than the other...and it has made for some very unique arguments.

7) Celibacy

I have not had sex for the longest time despite the fact that I love sex. Really, there is just no one out there that I would like to have sex with...its mind-boggling. Even my gyno is beginning to get worried...I'm still wondering how long this pause in my sex drive will last.

8) Religion

I am not religious but I believe in God. I am a baptist but I go to catholic mass every week. I like not being condemned every time I go to church.I always wonder what the purpose of life is and what path I'm supposed to take. I believe that there is a plan that God carved out for me and I'm busy jacking things up by trying to create my own plans.

9) Friends

I just realized how small my circle of friends is... I thought it was larger. It turns out the rest were just freaking posers...funny how things come into perspective when you are in need and 95% of your friends disappear.

10) Relationships

It took me a year and a half to get over my last break-up. That relationship has ruined all my subsequent relationships...I will never trust a man like that ever again...my guard will always be half-way up. I have come to accept that men...no matter how high of a pedestal you put them on...are just that...men.

11)Bloggers and Readers

I have realized that everything I write on this blog has an impact...either negative or positive. Every action has a reaction and I must accept the consequences. Meeting or talking to people who blog and/or have read my blog has been a touchy experience. I have met some very opinionated readers...some I wanted to give a smack down, others I wanted to hug. Basically, the women think I'm a bitch and the men think I'm a slut. On rare occasions I have ran into people who have something good to say...which is always nice. For this reason, I have thought of moderating the comments on my blog...but have not done so. I believe in expression of mind...so please express yourself. However, I hope that you also realize that you will be held accountable for these "expressions". If we do meet, I hope that you realize your right-wing opinions my just feel the wrath of my left hook...enough said.

12) Life

is short...I have to live more.

Slainte!!

The L word...

2009-02-07T23:28:00.005-05:00

January 16th 9.10 pm EST : In Congo, a 10-year-old girl lay comatose on a metal hospital cot, her face glazed with sweat, her pulse hammering in her neck. She had been sexually assaulted in a nearby village and shot in both legs, bullet through bone.

January 16th 9.10pm EST: In California, a gay couple with their two children sit down to have dinner.

January 16th 9.10pm EST: Shi is listed as "engaged" to Allie on facebook.

I sit here and wonder which of these three situations is a tragedy...one that is so heart-wrenching that it needs immediate attention. One that warrants calls from four continents and 12 states....one that wakes up mothers in the wee hours of the morning in cold sweats because they are worried about their daughters.

A couple of weeks ago, I got engaged on facebook, to my girl Allie. The whole story started out as a joke...since our past couple of relationships have been a bust...we decided that it would be awesome to get "married" and live happily ever after..with manolo's and choos in tow, of course...ahem.. a girl can dream.

What followed was shocking. I got calls and texts from people I had not heard from in months and years, calling me evil and disgusting. The same happened to Allie...gross calls from good friends ensued. We were dubbed demonic..outcasts...how the hell could we be lesbians?? Women marry men...they serve their husbands...end of story. The bible thumpers were united against us...ready to doll out any verse at a moment's breath to reinforce their stand. Lesbians and gays are not welcome, they do not belong, they must die.

We were determined to keep the post up but a request from the parental units made us take it down.I talked to my friend Edwin the other day and I asked him if we would still be friends if I told him I was a lesbian...he didn't care, it didn't matter to him. Then why did this matter to so many of my friends and family...my sexuality...why does this matter? Apparently some of my friendships come with a clause...I will love you and be your friend...as long as you are not gay.

Even though I'm straight, I really felt bad for all my gay and lesbian friends. I wondered what it was like to be gay in Nairobi...it sounds like you would be stoned in broad day light...as was evident in some of the texts and messages I received. I mean, people really hate the gays...passionately.

There are more important things to worry about in this life. Things that are more important than civil uinions and who gets to have sex with who...since I am a pssionate geek...here are the facts:

1)In 2007, 9.2 million children born alive across the world died before their fifth birthday.

2)An estimated 300 million children worldwide are subjected to violence, exploitation and abuse daily.

3)11.9 million adults and children, go hungry everyday.

Pardon me if I think that there are more important things we should be worrying about.

I am not religious, but I believe in God. Doesn't God love us equally? Does he love the straight people more than he loves the gay ones?... I also believe in the power of love, and love can be found in the weirdest of places. So to my gay/lesbian/ straight/ bi friends...I love you, for who you are. My hope for you is that you stay true to yourself and live life on your terms....what can I say...THIS IS SPARTA!!!

Please.. wake me when I am free
I cannot bear captivity
For, I would rather be stricken blind
than to live without expression of mind

peace...

Listening to: The new rock 4 black episode

Still believe...

2008-12-31T06:06:00.004-05:00

It's New Year's Eve, 6.00 in the morning. My tea is piping hot, my feet are getting cold and I can still feel the heat emitting from my warm bed. Before I got up,I lay in bed for about an hour, sweaty and hot with my throat burning, wishing that someone was here to get me a cold drink of water and maybe some tea and meds to fight this cold. And then I started thinking, is there ever going to be someone to take care of me when I'm sick in bed? Will I ever fall in love again? What is love, anyway?
I'm the last of three kids. My parents were married for about 15 years before I came along. My brother and I are 7 yrs apart, and to this day I consider myself to be the last "hurrah" for my parents. I was probably conceived at a moment of weakness when both my parents were plastered, and to this day, I don't think my mother even remembers what happened. I always thought of myself as my parent's love chid, completely unexpected but welcome nonetheless. I think they looked and me and thought of how they loved each other when they were younger and its probably why they couldn't let go.A lot of people would say that my parent's marriage was a loveless one and that they stayed together just for the sake of their children. I always believed it was so,until today. I never once saw my dad wear his wedding ring, or even heard him profess his love for my mother but I know that he loved her unflinchingly. There was nothing that he wouldn't do for her.When he died, it broke her heart, and so til death do us part...came to pass.
Lately I've been running into some really weird guys, from the "si lazima to do" guy and SMH at the blogger who tried to reach up my dress numerous times at a party!! A friend of mine asked me the other day if I still believed in love since most of my blogs seem centered on sex lately. I didn't have an answer for her then but I guess this is it...Love is what reaches for me beyond the grave on days that I really miss my dad and wish he was here, love is when my best friend stays with me on the phone when I am sick until I fall asleep, love is when my big brother worked double and triple shifts so that I could graduate, love is when my mother flew half way across the world so she could walk me to class on my first day of uni...Love is...relative.
So I guess I do believe in love, in my own way. I believe in the kind of love that will last a lifetime, the kind that is raw, and fiercely loyal, the kind that will carry you when times are tough, the kind that will embrace who you are and encourage you to grow... So to all my friends who are "in a relationship", or going through "complicated" stages or for those who are just single... I hope that one day you run into that person who would dare risk it all just to stand by your side... I think I better go grab that water.

Happy 2009!! Cheers.

Je, Hii ni ungwana?

2008-10-29T01:29:00.006-04:00

I must say that I love Hank despite his many shortcomings. However, I have had many heated discussions over the scene above. I refuse to give Hank a pass for licking the wrong assets. I must ask, Je hii ni ungwana?

Si lazima tu do...Part deux

2008-10-13T20:26:00.003-04:00

I had planned to stay indoors and catch up on the all shows that I have been missing but it turns out that Ali Kiba was in town, that coupled with the fact that a friend was having a birthday made my ass get dressed and go out.
The night started off well, had some drinks and some really good birthday cake and proceeded to the local to check out the cinderalla dude. Turns out the jamaa only has two songs that I know...plus after repeating cinderella like 15 times and then jabbering on for a while after that, I lost interest. I turned to drinking...which wasn't a bad idea. I found myself a spot at the bar and sipped while I checked out the dance floor...oh and yes...this cute dude I had noticed earlier when I checked in.
So there I am..enjoying my just perfectly chilled liqour and what do you know...Mr. si lazima to do himself turns up and this time round he has some skinny ass chic in tow.(ok..before I get hate mail...again...I have nothing against skinny mamas, its just that some of u r trifling...nuff said). Here goes the conversation:

Mr.X: Sema Sheila.
Me: Sema.
Mr.X: Leo nimekuletea mama, huyu ndio wifey.
Me:(not believing this)
Mr.X's chica: Eeeh..ni mimi.
Me: Nod my head in agreeance...then Mr. x and his mama walk away.

I don't know why the dude felt that he had to introduce me to his mama but what the heck..I was relieved. I had one less freak to deal with, and that's always a plus...or so I thought.Fast forward to the after party...at some tiny joint on top of an auto repair shop...and what do you know...directly opposite a cop station. Needless to say, some poor dude got arrested...what can I say, Kenyans will go anywhere to banjuka...despite the conseqences.
The Dj at the after party was playing some decent music... and there I was on the floor trying to dunda to some hip hop and this ish happens to me again...Mr.X himself...trying to dry hump me again!!WTF??? So there I am fuming, with my two bottles of smirnoff ice in hand wanting to smack the dude upside his head...too bad I had nowhere to put my pombe...plus I wasn't gonna throw that ish at him...it took me half an hr to get it. Here we go again:

Me: Unataka? Si una manzi?
Mr.X: We Sheila unjoina sana...hata we sio mpoa hivyo...wacha basi nikamtafute tugrind na yeye...
Me: (in disbelief...wondering where the heck Udi is?? He wanted to see who this nicca was...plus even he wouldn't believe this..)

Dude walked away and succeeded in pissing me off...that was until I saw the dude I was checking out earlier at the bar. So without even thinking...I decide I'm gonna run a test of my own...there's gotta be a better way of getting someone's number...so I walked over to hottie and put on my "A" game...Casanova aint got nothin on me...

(Hottie is talkin to one of his boys...so i tap him on the shoulder, the two smirnoff ice bottles weren't a good look but I figured what the heck..)

Me: Hi! I'm Sheila...I couldn't help but notice you...ure kinda cute.
Hottie: Thanks! You too I'm George, nice to meet you.
Me: I'm bout to leave coz my girls be buggin but i'd love to talk to you outside this hot, sweaty joint. Can I get your number?
Hottie: Sure. You have ure phone on you...
Me: No, but tell me what the number is and I'll give u a call sometime..
Hottie: R u okay?? R u even gonna remember?
Me: I'm cool...a bit wasted...but I'll remember.
Hottie: 202-123-456...
Me: Thanks. have a good night. I'll holla at u sometime
Hottie: Cool.

Okay...that wasn't soo bad...it wasn't bad at all except the dude was a little bit short and I think he was scared of my chunky ass.Hmm...does that mean I bullied him for his number?? Poor dude. Sad to say, I woke up the next morning,terribly hang-overed and did not remember the number except for the freaking area code!!!Oh well...such is life...But it does prove my point...there is a better way of getting a freaking number...just say no to the dry humping...geeze...

Peace.

Si lazima tu do...

2008-09-28T18:27:00.005-04:00

Let me start off by saying..I love my black brothas better yet, I love my Kenyan brothas but seriously, some ish needs to stop. This summer I abandoned my routine of getting seriously wasted at Irish bars and I've been going back to my roots by frequenting the Kenyan bashes in B'more. I've even gotten into listening to genge and bongo...and for those of you that know my ass, I've come a long way.
I've had a good time at said bashes especially the TOD event that was a couple of weeks back. However, something happened that I thought was an isolated case...but it happened again yesterday and I'm compelled to put my two cents out there.
It is no secret that I like to dunda...even though I can't dance, I will be the first on the floor anywhere, as long as the music has a nice beat. So there I was, enjoying the Patra song that was blazing out of the speakers...and all of a sudden it happened...some 6ft tall nicca with a ginormous gut creeps up from behind me and starts to shamelessly dry hump me. In the name of dancing!! Jesus take the wheel!! Haiya!!! And proceeds to get a BONER!!! WTF??!! SO I turn around, take a look at this nicca, and since I don't want drama...I walk away.
Last nite, my friend calls me up and tells me there is another Kenyan party at some club 15 mins away. Since I'm at home bored to death...I decide to go and get a couple of drinks and socialize a little bit.I was on chill mode, I didn't feel like getting on the floor yesterday so I was at the corner just checking pple out and enjoying my cocktail. Unfortunately, right before the party was over, the DJ decides to play gauo...and my ass could not stay seated. There I was again, swaying to the beat and it happened again. Another nicca pulls up from behind and starts grinding on my ass, with his dick up!! WTF?? I'm standing there in disbelief...so here is the conversation..true story...

Me: WTF? What r u trying to do?

Mr.X: Si tuna dance to...Kwani Sheila niaje?

Me: (Thinking...Do I know this dude...How the hell does he know my name) We ni nani?

Mr.X: (Grabbing his balls)You ask too many questions and you talk too much...si U turn around na tuendelee.

Me: Hatuendelei.

Mr.X: Sawa...hata party imeisha..si tuende home. Kwangu ama kwako..mimi sijali.

Me: (In disbelief)Hatuendi pamoja, mimi neanda kwetu nawe waenda kwenyu.

Mr.X: Ahh, basi twenede sheraton ama holiday inn!! Wacha kuwa na nasty mind..si lazima tu do...

Me: Burst out laughing...Jamani..acha tu...hata hautaweza... I proceed to chug my drink and walk out.

I really don't understand what happened to the simple approach of talking to a mama for a little bit before laying on the whole I need a jump off tonight routine. Whatever happened to "Hi!...I'm Sam...are you having a good time?" To tell you the truth, the brotha had a chance... he was kind of cute. But just because he came like that...he lost one.

Peace..

Comeback?

2008-09-13T00:35:00.004-04:00

So I got tagged the other day by prettylyf. It looks like I somehow have to get back to blogging. I've been suffering from a severe case bloggaritis...okayI'll just be honest. I've had a completely drama free summer. I spent my summer sleeping my ass off. I mean, nothing happened. No flings, crushes, revelations...just sleep.I have to admit, I am dead bored...I'm ready for things to get going. Who knows...maybe, just maybe, I'll get that pre-winter fling to keep me going. I'm tired of being on the bilas train. Well, let me ease into this...

1. What’s worse - Physical or Mental cheating?
Physical.

2. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
Forgive

3. Can men and women be “Just Friends?”
Definitely.

4. Dating co-workers?
Depends on how long you intend to stay at your current job.

5. All expenses paid vacation to anywhere?
Lake Como in the summer

6. On the way to the electric chair - What’s your last meal?
Ugali, spinach and eggs…done the right way..ofcourse

7. Water parks are…?
The place to be on a hot summer day

8. When you are “In Love” do you notice other people?
Macho haina pazia…

9. Is flirting cheating?
No…it keeps things interesting..

10. Would you rather have 1 great friend or 5 pals?
1 Great friend

11. If someone called you a bitch would you be offended?
Nope. I’m actually taking courses on how to be a power bitch!!

12. Are you ok with your significant other being friends with an ex?
Depends on who the ex is. Some folk are trifling..

13. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
I need to think about this one…

14. Favorite sport?
Is this a joke??

15. Is toilet paper hung over or under?
Over.

16. Do you squeeze toothpaste from the middle or end of the tube?
Middle.

17. How do you feel about tanning booths?
Seriously?

18. Friends with benefits?
Must be between 21-25 yrs.

19. Do you believe in angels?
Definitely.

20. Would you rather take pictures or be in pictures?
Take pictures!!

21. Have you ever flirted with someone you had no interest in?
Unfortunately, yes.

22. Ever kissed a random person and then walked away?
No. I’m a total germaphobe.

23. Would you buy bootleg merchandise?
Yes.

24. What color looks best on you?
Blue.

25. If you could play any sport professionally what would it be?
Figure skating…is that a sport??

26. Ever break up with someone and regret it?
Yes.

27. Are you a jealous person?
No.

28. Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Yes.

29. When do you want to get married?
Not any time soon…

30. Who has the sexiest accents?
I can’t admit this weakness in public.

31. Next concert you’re attending?
Must be cheap…

32. Favorite song?
Right now it’s music is my hot hot sex by CSS

33. Favorite movie?
I have too many

34. What’s your occupation?
I’m still trying to figure out exactly what it is I do everyday

35. What’s your sign?
Scorpio…

36. Are you a beach, country or city person
Beach!!!

37. Best vacation spot you’ve been to?
Tiwi at the coast

38. Have you ever had a “secret affair?”
Yes!!! Best in my life…

39. If you could own a non-traditional pet which would it be?
A polar bear…

40. Favorite show as a child?
Dexter's laboratory...anyone remember the episode with coosy a la goopa goop?

41. Where do you spend most of your money?
Lately its been on Amazon..

42. Are you currently working at a job that you hate?
Hate is a bit extreme…

43. Have you ever been so heart broken that you called in sick to work?
I just used that as an excuse to stay home, watch movies and eat ice cream. I’m not a schmuck!!

44. Favorite summer drink?
Sex on the beach

45. Can you change a car tire?
Huh?

46. Favorite cologne / perfume?
Armani Mania for women

48. Would you consider yourself adventurous?
Only in the bedroom

49. What is your My Space profile song?
I don’t have a My Space page

50. Favorite concert attended?
The roots!!

51. Would you date an already attached man / woman?
Never.

52. Would you sing Karaoke in front of co-workers?
Bring it on!!

53. Can you shoot pool?
Oh yes I can!!

54. Do you like your siblings’ significant others?
Yes…

55. Can you drive a stick?
No.

56. Did you wear white at your wedding?
I’m still single…

57. Have you ever sat and hoped for a phone call?
Yes.

58. Ever skip school and spend the day at the beach?
I wish I did.

59. Favorite TV show/s?
Entourage, Californication, In treatment, Weeds, Sex and the City, The wire…the list is endless.

60. What do you think about gay marriage?
Hmmm…

61. What are you waiting for at the movies?
The second transformers movie

62. What is your favorite holiday?
New year’s

63. Describe your fighting style: drunken master or angry monkey?
Angry monkey…

64. Piercing?
Just two…scared to get any more.

65. Tattoos?
Terrified of needles…

66. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
Nordstrom…I have this dress I’ve been checking out.

67. Thongs?
Not anymore…definitely boyshorts

68. Write 2 truths and 1 lie.
I love shoes.
I miss my dad.
I love going to work on Friday
-

Hmm...

2008-06-08T21:44:00.002-04:00

I usually like the summer but this time around, it is not off to a good start. I mean, after horrendous sex and botched vacation plans...I'm super hot, bored and to top it all off-sober!!

However, I'm still determined to make things work...maybe through divine intervention things will get better. I've been praying on the regular now, I hope the man upstairs is listening.

First off, I've got to meet better people. I went on a date the other day with some really good looking guy only to realize that he is gay and doesn't even know it. The man couldn't stop talking about shopping and the spa...I don't know, I don't think I'm ready to date someone who is prettier than me...and has a beauty regime that surpasses that of Angelina Jolie..

So I found out that chivalry is not completely dead...if you're dating someone who is over 45. Apparently, the older brothers really know the romance game. A couple of my friends have ventured in the "older guy" pool and they are loving it. I'm not quite ready to try this one...but what do you know...another ayo!! shawty!come over here so I can holla at you..may push me over the edge.

So John Mayer is going to be in town on July 13th...and I'm desperate to go...I've listened to continuum like 13,000 times. The album was my break-up therapy last year, that...combined with some goose and welch's white grape peach made me as good as new after a week. I need to go...who knows, I might just take that Monday off and head out to the concert.

That's the end of my random thoughts...and the fact that my room is a freaking hot box...I need to go hydrate.

Peace...

On Fire!!

2008-05-23T11:25:00.002-04:00

Ok. I know better than to blog at jobo but I just had to put it out there. MAN U..JUU!! JUU!! JUU!! Kabisa. Naturally, I'm enjoying my Friday adorned in my reds jersey and more celebrations are to come especially since its a long weekend.

As for the Chelsea fans...he he..u played a good game but it was just not meant to be.

Now, those Arsenal fans...Na bado!! Edu I know this sent you over the edge..don't worry, I'll buy you a drink to ease the pain.

Have a great weekend...don't do anything I would do...then again..what the heck!! you only live once..

Peace..

Lady or the tramp?

2008-05-17T21:30:00.010-04:00

This weekend I ended up at a friend's graduation party which was nice. I got to hang out with some friends and enjoy the spring despite having some serious allergy problems. It was a decent day after a really long week at work.

The funny thing is that the house has some pretty crazy memories for me, it was the same place that I had my graduation party almost a year ago...and it was also the same place that I realized that I was dating the wrong person for all the wrong reasons but didn't have the courage to tell them....now that's its over I keep wondering what it was all about. Maybe someday I'll figure it out.

A couple of weeks back I ran into an old friend..someone I had dated before but never really quite got over. I finally had sex...but it was the worst kind. There were no feelings, no chemistry...we just went through the motions. I just lay there thinking about something else...waiting for him to finish. Then it was over...and then silence...I haven't talked to him since, I ignore his phone calls. I knew from the beginning there could be nothing...that there would be nothing... but I led him on anyway...again, I have no good reason for this..maybe I'll figure it out.

I hate meeting fellow bloggers..especially the women. As soon as they find out who I am they have this dirty look on their face. The kind that says...how dare you talk about sex like that...the kind that says I'm better than you because I'm a lady and ure just another version of a tramp...or whatever.

Well, I never on this blog claimed to be a lady...I never once said I was perfect. Yes, my life seems kind of screwed up but I'm proud of it...I've survived some pretty fucked up shit in the past but I'm still here. I'm on a journey... and I intend to experience everything that is worth every breath with an unstoppable tenacity. Like my dad always used to say...ukishikwa...shikamana.

With that in mind...I finally added another episode of Rock 4 black after a pretty long time. And yeah, I plan to have a completely carefree summer. Whatever happens..happens..and damn right...I'm gonna blog about regardless of whom I offend.

Peace..

Cut me open...

2008-03-29T20:42:00.003-04:00

So I finally got to Minneapolis to see my good friends Stella and Louis who just had a lovely baby girl Cece...my trip was great.The girl is beautiful and precious..again..congrats guys. You've FINALLY grown up. I got the chance to have some girl time and to learn some new tricks as an aunt. I am sooo the don of burping babies and cuddling them to sleep (when they are fed and not cranky)..I rock. I didn't get to change any diapers..sorry Stella, you have to slowly get me there, maybe next trip.
Funny enough I didn't run into my ex. I think the universe kinda gave me a break..but I was ready. I think I'm over the past now and looking forward to the future. Especially if it involves Ricardo from the 4th floor. I have the HUGEST crush on some Italian dude who works on the the floor right above me. I don't know his name, so for now, Ricardo is just fine. He has the sexiest accent ever, lets just say I've had some serious visions of this guy...I'll leave the X- rated stuff in my naughty mind for right now. As for Ricardo, he better watch out. A sista is on the prowl, I just got a new dress and new pumps for the dinner/auction coming up. Why lie, the white boy doesn't stand a chance.
I was tagged a while back by gish and I think I'll finally honor the tag...with a spin. Now, that someone in my friends circle has had a baby, I realize that I'm getting old...fast. I think for the first time in a long time I finally cut myself open and allowed me to be just me. I like the feeling. I like who I am...hmm...this year, I'm turning the big 25 and there are a couple of things I have to do before going grown and sexy.

My super six before turning 25:

1.Fuck me pumps
I think that every woman should have a pair of these. Some seriously sexy patent leather stilletos that make you feel fierce ( and don't come off when ure having sex) I haven't found the perfect pair but by the end of this year..I intend to.

2.Rock for black
I still want to have a rock for black launch cocktail party. Hmm...this summer looks like its a good fit. Yes, it will be done.

3.City of Sin
I really want to go to Vegas..and do really naughty things while I'm there.Si everything that happens in Vegas stays in Vegas...you only live once. You know what..I'm taking the girls with me.

4.Date
I need to date more. How else am I going to find the average Joe I'm looking all my life. From now on, anyone who asks me out on a date...I'm going. No turn-downs. I don't care who you are..straight, gay, lesbian, transvestite...as long as you ask. You have a date.

5.Get it together
Ok. I seriously need to get some of my shit together. My bedroom needs a make-over and I need some new cutlery and curtains. Plus my mother is visiting soon...This should be #1 on my list.

6.End the drought
Yes. It is true. I still haven't had sex yet. But ha! spring is here and its slowly warming up. Hello Ricardo... here I come...

I think that's it...ok..It's Saturday night..where's the Goose?

Knife to a gun fight?

2008-03-16T11:01:00.004-04:00

So it's Sunday morning and I'm about to leave for my trip in a couple of hours. Its been a long week and I'm definitely ready for a break and I do hope that I get lots and lots of sleep because it seems I got none yesterday. A couple of my close friends decided that I needed a spa day and I was happy to oblige. I spent my Saturday afternoon getting pampered and relaxed. That was great until my good friend Noni decided that my hair looked like shit and that there was absolutely NO WAY my ass was going to meet my ex looking all jacked up. Apparently, you don't ever bring a knife to a gun fight.
Okay, I know that my hairdressing skills are lacking but seriously..knife to a gun fight?? Hmm..I think I need to stop doing my own hair. (the funny thing is that I thought I looked fierece).I finally stopped fighting with Noni and just let her do the damn hair, while of course, I sipped on some grey goose and funny enough.. chased it with some kosher wine. Ahh.. what wonders you discover at the liquor store. I need to buy cases of that stuff...
I really don't know why me seeing my ex is a huge deal. I've gotten six phone calls this morning. Everyone seems to have an opinion on how I should act and what not. As for me, I just want some damn pancakes!!! I'm hungry. So what next... I'm headed downstairs to get some cereal. As for the upcoming week...hmm...that remains to be seen.

PS: Noni, you know I love you!!

Oh yeah, and to my dear SULZ thank you for the valentines gift.

peace

The X-Files

2008-03-02T20:43:00.003-05:00

So I finally made it home after spending and entire weekend with some seriously drunken fellows from out of town. I have to admit, I had a REALLY good time and I must say that the folk from PA and Houston can party. That being said, I think I might make it to the big TX for memorial this year..something to think about.
I'm proud to say that I survived another valentines day this year. My brother was nice enough to get me some flowers, candy, a bottle of vitamin water (i'm addicted to these) and even a really cute card. I'm sooo over this stupid day already..can someone come up with the an anti-valentines day...for the rest of us normal people who just can seem to survive in relationships.
Speaking of relationships, I was at the usual hang-out this weekend and a friend I was with had a run in with an ex. I mean this shit was brutal, this girl dated the jamaa for over a year and the guy didn't even bother to break up with her. He just stopped calling. What's worse is, my girl is still in love with his ass and he turns up at our regular hang-out with his new girl in tow. WTF!! are there no rules of engagement..seriously. The whole situation was sad to see, I just kept doing shots with my girl to try and help ease the pain. Damn..we couldn't even talk about it.
Speaking of exes, I'm going out of town this month to see my BFF and what do you know....she is a VERY good friend of my ex. Well, I think they are kind of fam so I am dreading the inevitable. I'm probably going to run into my EX with his new and improved girlfriend and all I can say is that the situation is fucked up.
Although I have repeatedly refused to admit it this dude TKO'd my ass. The relationship was a seriously brutal beat-down the details of which I haven't even brought myself to tell anyone, not even my BFF, and I tell her everything. I mean EVERYTHING. So now, I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for this SHIT.. I have about two weeks or so..I'm hoping that I don't get to run into their asses but just in case, I'm grabbing a bottle of goose to take with me.
The bottom line...love sucks!!! The person who said that is is better to have loved and lost...LIE!!Yep..ignorance is bliss and I'd rather just not have known.

Mos def and Amy have a hold on this..

peace..

PS: Gish..I shall be back to honor the tag..

Suddenly I see....

2008-02-04T19:14:00.000-05:00

Its freaking February, I can't even believe it. Time is flying by and I haven't got anything significant accomplished ..yet. I'm determined to make 2008 the supaflyshi year, yes, I'm totally going to be conceited and focus on self. I've been neglecting my ass too much and I think it's time to celebrate who I am. How that's going to happen....totally to be determined by the size of tax refund check. I guess we'll see.
I had lunch with a couple of friends the other day and I just realized that I have been celibate for about SEVEN months right now. I am not kidding. None of my friends believe me but seriously, I have not gotten laid in seven months...my mother would be soooo proud. I think I'm getting old. Lately, I haven't had the desire to just go out and fuck anyone or anything like that. Before I was totally kool with just a hook up but now I'm over stuff like that. Dear God, what happened to me? I have lost the ability to have guiltless sex. I really need to fornicate or something..may that will fix it...I think I need a therapist.
Maybe I need to go out on a decent date.One where the food and conversation is excellent. I went out the weekend before last and somehow ended up at an after party at Udi's. The place was jam packed with brothas, and why lie I didn't have one DECENT conversation. Okay, I admit, a lot of them were freakin wasted but I mean, just ONE guy is that too much to ask. WTF? I think the cosmic world is punishing me for past mistakes...this episode needs to be over already.
So I finally got around to looking for a new job. working in customer service sucks ass!! I am not kidding...my job is making me passive aggressive. I really need to get a new job before I finally blow up and stab a customer with a pen in the eye ...yep I have thought bout it...not kool!!
I was thinking of having a podcast launch party for Rock4Black, most of my friends don't listen to rock but I'm thinking I can lure their asses over with the promise of liquor. Maybe I should make everyone dress up or something...make it more fun..hmm..something 2 think about.
Okay, I seriously need to stop rambling. 'm off to convince my brother that's its in our best interests to get a pet. I cute dog would be nice...I don't think its going to work but I'll try anyway.

peace...

A whole lot of woman...

2008-01-18T20:14:00.001-05:00

Finally, Friday night is here!! It's been a loong ass week and I really wanna get out there,get wasted and freaking dance the night away. I'm really feeling myself today.. might just be the hormones. I need to get laid..but that's a story for another day. I guess i'll start with the grey goose. But seriously...where the hell are the GOOD brothas. I mean can I just get a decent date for once..phooey..

OK..I'm off to get drunk, and dance..a lot. I'll start with Mika..

Happy Furahi day..

peace..

Tears and Rain

2008-01-06T16:40:00.000-05:00

I finally was able to talk to her today for the first time this year. I quickly clammered for the phone and as i freed it from my brother's clutch. I was relieved to hear her voice. Under regular circumstances we would have talked about the new year celebrations. From my aunt Martha's new jigolo to my cousin's charred nyama choma, we would have explored all of the family's hilarious episodes that were so familiar during these gatherings.
This year there was no such thing, all we could talk about was violence and death. I could sense the fear in her voice even though she was trying to be strong. As usual, my mum was trying to protect us from worry and anxiety . I tried as much as I could to hold the tears back but I couldn't. All I could do was listen to her trying to assure me that she was safe and that things were calming down. Unfortunately we were cut off before I could ask any more questions or to even tell her that I love her. All I can do now is hope that the violence stops.

I really wanted to say something that was relevant and worthwhile but unfortunately I ran out of words. Perhaps you will forgive me if I turn from my own feelings to the words of another

Ee Mungu nguvu yetu
Ilete baraka kwetu
Haki iwe ngao na mlinzi
Natukae na undugu
Amani na uhuru
Raha tupate na ustawi.

Amkeni ndugu zetu
Tufanye sote bidii
Nasi tujitoe kwa nguvu
Nchi yetu ya Kenya
Tunayoipenda
Tuwe tayari kuilinda

Natujenge taifa letu
Ee, ndio wajibu wetu
Kenya istahili heshima
Tuungane mikono
Pamoja kazini
Kila siku tuwe na shukrani.

To all my fellow bloggers, brothers and sisters especially the ones back home, I hope that you and yours are ok. My prayers are with you.

Well, fuck it!!!

2007-12-20T14:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, so its almost christmas and thank God its here coz I ran out of PTO's and I need that extra day off. I intend on using it to catch up on all the movies that I missed and pigging out on raspberry cheese cake with a HUGE bottle of cheap wine.

What I am really excited about is the new year, 2007 has been quite an interesting year. By interesting I mean, the good things have happened in moderation and I think its time to move on. I'm looking forward to 08 and to good things. So thank God for christmas because I get to go to the after christmas sale at nordstroms to pick up that sexy new year's dress and a pair of fuck me pumps.. u gotta love it... see u on the other side...

peace...

Oh yeah, check out the new episode of rock for black. I do have a softer side u know.

Second Episode..

2007-11-18T18:07:00.000-05:00

I finally got around to adding another episode on my podcast. I did a couple of voice overs but they are really low...I should have upgraded to a better mic by next time. Well, go listen!!.

Peace..

It's really over...

2007-11-17T00:51:00.000-05:00

When you break up with someone, you have this image in your mind that you'll wake up the next day and it will all be over. The feelings will be gone and you won't hurt anymore. Like everything just stops and it doesn't matter anymore. It works for the first couple of days and then one day you wake up and you realize that you miss them.

I could smell him this morning. His scent was all over the comforter that I hadn't used since we were together last. I remembered waking up next to him that day and wondering why everything had changed, why I couldn't be happy with what we had anymore.

The past three years haunt me. The make-ups and break ups were exhausting. I still remember the words exchanged during late night conversations. They echo in my ear and forever make me feel guilty for what hapened. The actions that took place in his room, where I sat, where he listened to my heart beat....I look everywhere and find him in everything. I look at my phone and remember how he eased my missing him for just a few moments with stories of the day and listening intently to what I did. I recently received my phone bill...every single call is to him... A bitter tangible reminder of us.

All I have now is the space and the silence.The words left unsaid will linger until they finally disappear with the lapse of time.We couldn't bring ourselves to say the things that could have saved us. Today I drank the last of the summer wine, tried on the lingerie I had bought for our fall getaway and finally let myself accept it...It's really over, there's no turning back.

Peace..

Is it really all about the sex??

2007-11-06T18:45:00.000-05:00

Since it was a slow day at work, I decided to take an extra long lunch and hang out with some of my girls over some hot quiznos sandwiches to catch up. Apparently, my girls are suffering right along with me..on the bilas train that is. It turns out that everyone had to break up with their significant other over something that was sex related. Made me wonder how important sex was in a relationship...turns out ure ass could get booted for some stuff u didn't even see coming...I had to put the list out there...

Exhaustion

I didn’t know that there was something known as “too much sex”. One of my friends just broke up with a guy who was up for it…literally anywhere, anytime. After dude asked for head on the ride back from the club…the relationship was over. She had enuf.

Where is the love?

This is the other extreme. Apparently there are some guys who just want to talk and not have a go at it every other fortnight…I don’t know about this though. With the number of down low brothas in B’more…the guy might have been playing for the other team.

Rythm..

SERIOUSLY!!! I ain’t kidding…If you can’t dance..you can’t fuck…or u really suck at it. I really believe that a certain tempo has to be maintained while having sex…if both parties are rocking to a different beat…shit just won’t work.

Clueless

There are some brothas out there who need to take sex 101 classes. Some people can be given a damn GPS of a woman’s vagina and still not know where stuff is..

5. Foreplay

Someone once told me that foreplay is played out...if you also have the same mind set..ure probably on the bilas train too...

Size does matter

Whoever said its not the size of the boat….LIED!!! Yep, there’s a big difference between a dhow, a yatch and a cruise ship. But nonetheless, there is always someone out there for everyone..the key is being honest and up front about it. Because sooner or later, truth will out.

R U kidding?

Okay, everyone is a freak in their own way. But I think everyone has to find someone on their own level of freakiness. A level 1 freak might be overwhelmed by an R- Kelly type of freak...catch my drift??

Booty call guy

I don’t know why nobody ever gets this. It should be the 11^th commandment. NEVER date the booty-call guy….it never woks out. Yep, there is a reason why their number is on reserve at the bottom of ure phone book....

Exquisite..ness

I think that everyone has a "special" thing about them when it comes to sex. Like a personal logo/ stamp or something. If u don't, u better come up with one...it could be the reason ure ass is remembered or put on the do not call list...

Pit-stop guy..

Bottom line, even if its a quickie...it should last longer than 2 min. NO EXCUSES!!!

That's my piece...

peace..

The b-day mix.....

2007-11-03T00:11:00.000-04:00

So I'm turning 24 this weekend...and to kick off my american gangsta fiesta I bugged my friend Edu to help me put together a podcast. With a little help from Msanii and a whole lot of specifics, maybe a little bit of complaining...I'm proud to present the first of the ROCK 4 BLACK podcasts...24 great songs for my beautiful 24 yrs o this planet.Here's to many more. Enjoy!!

No pads, No helmets, Just balls...

2007-10-25T18:57:00.000-04:00

Since the summer is long gone and all the cute brothers are back into hibernation thanks to the NFL I thot I'd get back into the blogosphere. First things first, I am now OFFICIALLY SINGLE!!! Yep, my black ass is back in the dating game. Well, maybe not. I am yet to meet someone I actually want to go on a date with. Chivalry may not be dead but it's really fucked up. I mean, finding a good single guy in B'more is like trying to find a great pair of shoes on clearance. You know they are somewhere out there but somehow you never run into them.

After the tragedy that was my last relationship...I decided to give up sex (for a little while)and alcohol. According to the parental units i.e. my mum and her boyfriend...I shouldn't go through life by numbing my feelings. Apparently its better to experience everything as blunt and raw as it comes. In other words, I've had to grow some balls and so far there's no freaking difference...shit still looks the same.

So my birthday is around the corner and I've dubbed it the emancipation / american gangsta weekend event. I'm thinking of having a shindig and inviting some close friends over for dinner and drinks...I might just do that. Who knows, maybe I'll run into a cute brothat that will end my ride on the bilas train and give me something to toast to. To all the scorpios out there...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Oh yeah, and since I have some western Kenya roots, this guy UNASHAMELY had to embarass us...

peace...

Atonement...

2007-08-28T13:01:00.000-04:00

I remember the last time my dad told me that he loved me. It was a Saturday morning and he had stumbled in from his usual Friday night drinking spree. He never forgot to bring the fish and chips... wrapped in newspaper securely trapped under his left arm. He would sit next to me on our really old brown sofa and we would watch club kiboko as he bestowed words of wisdom upon his little grasshopper. On this day,there wasn't much talking...I didn't mind. I dug into the fish and chips like I always did and then all of a sudden he stopped. He grabbed my hand looked and me and with a soft voice he uttered.. "You know daddy loves you, always remember that. No matter what happens, daddy will always love you." I had a piece of fish stuck in my mouth and I never really said I love you back. That Monday, my father passed away. I never did get that chance to say that last I love you and to date that is my biggest regret.

So today, here I am suffering through the pangs of unrequited love.Edy's ice cream in hand I've finally realized that love can be a losing game but it's worth playing. No one knows all the rules or even how the game is really played.It really sucks when you lose but when you win it makes all the difference. This post is for my gal Di.. who never let me stop believing in love and for my gal Stella who actually found it.

As for my ass, maroon 5 kinda sums up what I'm feeling...

"Nothing Lasts Forever"

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both

I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep

Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep

If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

Though we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

peace...

My top eight...

2007-08-09T21:06:00.000-04:00

Ok. So it's been forever since I last blogged...I've been out enjoying the summer for the past few weeks.All my serious plans...like look for a new job have been thrown out of the window at least until the cold kicks in. I was tagged by gishungwa a couple of weeks back so here's my list.

1. I am bad at relationships.
So I have to admit that my so called boyfriend is about to dump my ass.Apparently there's a gene out there that codes for good girlfriend behavior and I just don't have it. Oh well, with what's been happening this summer...I'll blame it on the grey goose.

2. I have a potty mouth.
I really have to stop hanging out with my brother's friends because some of the shit that comes out of my mouth is outrageous.

3. I miss romance.
A couple of years back, I dated this guy who used to write me poetry...everyday!! He used to leave cute love notes all over the place just in case I had a bad day and he didn't get a chance to call me or whatever. I mean, do guys still do that? Where is the freaking romance??? I swear if I walk thru the club and a guy says ay bay bay one more time and grabs my ass... it's over...I'm clobbering someone to death..

4. I miss my dad.
Yep... I do. It's been 10 years and I appreciate the short time we shared together. A lot of my friends have pretty shitty relationships with their dad's and its really sad. Mine is gone and he's still fabolous.

5. I hate losing.
I am not kidding. I was at Sunday school once and the teacher forgot to put a red star on my coloring sheet for winning the compe and I flipped out for like an hour.That shit is legendary..just go to Kile baptist and ask. I still freak out when I get an A- on exams...it's just weird.

6. I am a psycho.
I have come to accept the fact. I just can't afford the therapy bills.

7. I love to dance.
Find me at fells-point in some bar totally wasted and dancing to maroon 5's KIWI. That shit is hilarious..ask me if I care...

8. Skinny people are evil.
I am a plus-sized mama...I love to eat. If one more skinny person asks me what happened to the south beach diet I was on..I'm smacking ure ass with a freaking drumstick. You don't have to put me on the spot like that plus I think curves on a woman are sexxxy..Well, that and I have accepted that only J-lo can pull off being J-lo. Working out 5 days a week siwezi.

Ok..I'm supposed to tag other people at this point but everyone I wanted to tag has already been tagged.

peace...

Oh yeah, for my gal Njeri.. congrats on graduation!!

Mea culpa...

2007-07-15T21:27:00.000-04:00

Before I say anything else, CONGRATS!!! to my very good friends Stella and Louie who are expecting their very first baby. You guys should be pretty good at this since u spent and entire vacation week taking care of my tired ass. Love u guys.

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I do realize that I am one fucked up person. The funny thing is that I am actually okay with my level of fucked-up ness. I'm not bothered by it. AT ALL!!! However, it seems that a couple of my friends are. My best friend recently revealed that I am shit scared of being in a "real" relationship that involves "real" emotions (aside from fucking).She insists that I never date the same guy for a decent amount of time because I'm scared of taking a chance on love and the whole relationship thing.

Ok. So I have to admit that I'm really not good at relationships.I just never have been.I just don't understand why none of my friends are giving me a freakin break. Every time I run into one of these folks I have to hear an entire lecture about everything that is wrong with the relationship I'm in right now. "Are you going to marry him? What about kids? Life's not only about good sex...and blah...blah.. blah...

Well truth is folks...Nope we're not getting married any time soon,no babies in the near future...and yes we do like to fuck...a lot...and yes, we are still together... All jacked up and all. I'm not going to make any excuses or try to validate my life. It is what it is. Life is a journey, the ride is kinda bumpy but I'm savoring every minute of it.

That's my piece...

HELP!!

2007-06-24T21:45:00.002-04:00

Okay, one of the things on my to do list this summer is to change the look of my blog. Unfortunately, I have no idea where to start. This whole blogger thing is foreign to me. If there is anyone out there who has time to spare and can help my ass please e-mail me.

Thanks..

Summer...

2007-06-09T21:05:00.000-04:00

The heat has got me doing crazy shit or just thinking about it. I think when summer kicks in I should move to some cold isolated place where there are absolutely NO men.

Before I move on, I just want to say thanks to all the crazy folks that came from all over the place to support my ass during graduation. It was nice to see your crazy asses but Vic and Richie u owe my ass a bottle of liquor. Yaani u finished my pombe in like 5mins...what the deal??

So since graduation I have not done anything constructive with my time like look for a better job. I HATE my boss, plus the fact that I have 3 supervisors doesn't help me either. I spend most of my day trying to sift through memo after memo, e-mail after e-mail from 3 different falas...it's just depressing.

Other than that, I've been hanging out with fellow alcoholics at some seriously drunken parties which is a habit I need to break. My alcohol tolerance level has increased to some alarming heights and getting me drunk is costing more than usual. Not a good thing since BGE has gone up some 50%.I am seriously pissed off, now I can't even turn on the AC in my freaking house. I'm using this make-shift fan that doesn't seem to be doing shit!! My bedroom is a freaking hot box mpaka now before I go to bed I have to bring a frozen bottle of water upstairs so it's cool enuf for me to drink when I go thru my midnite spells.I feel like I'm stranded in the sahara every night mpaka now I'm afraid to go to sleep.This shit aint even funny.Someone has got to sort this crap out.

So I finally decided to commit to one dude and why lie the relationship lifestyle is a tough one. The perks of being single in the summer are all gone. Ati I can only look but not taste and touch. What's even worse...it looks like all my crushes have been working out and the brothas are looking good. Temptation level is at an all time high but we'll see how this works out.I know a couple of people out there taking bets...but whooo-saaa my ass will conquer.

So I like freaky sex and lately my sex life has been terrible. It's like as soon as you're in a relationship ure sex life dies and ure just stuck in missionary or some sad shit like that. I mean, if we're going to have sex, let's make it interesting. Flip my ass over, talk dirty and smack my ass or something...Let's just not go through the motions.I actually slept next to my jamaa the other day and WE DID NOT HAVE SEX!!! What???? That shit has never.....ever.... ever happenned. How can you lala next to the goods and not want to chapa them. I'm still in shock.Yaani there was absoulutely no action that night, not even the next morning. Ok..why haven't I had this conversation with the dude I'm dating...I have no idea....but I'll address it soon enuf.

Ok..that's it for my random thots. I'm off to the liquor store.Hopefully u folk out there are having a better start of the summer than me.

Peace..

Dirty little secrets....

2007-05-09T18:33:00.000-04:00

So I was tagged by unitamann and apparently I have to give a list of seven things that people don't know about me. Okay..here it goes..

1) I love teddy bears. I have every single one that was given to me ever since I was a child except two. One of them my mum trashed because I had chewed the life out of him and the other I gave as a gift to my cousin dee.

2) I am a neat freak!! I actually arrange the remote controls on my coffee table according to size and color.

3)If I'm alone in the house, I'm probably naked.

4) I love tupac. I know the words to almost all of his songs. Hellrazor is my favorite.

5)I talk to myself...a lot.

6)I love to cook, it's a great way for me to releive stress...aside from blogging that is.

7)Although I complain about them a lot, I think kenyan dudes are the most awesome out there...

Now that it's over...I'm tagging Udi, Aco, Mwangi, Aegeus,3n,M and Moviebuff.

That's my piece.

Giddy!!

2007-05-07T18:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know what it is about today but I've just been giddy.Maybe it's the fact that I just got my cap and gown for graduation and I'm glad that it's almost over. I can go back to being the regular bum-chic I usually am, waking up at noon and watching movies all day long. I just ran into the gaou video...those of you who jua my ass know I go crazy every time this song plays..it's a classic..what the heck..let me dunda little bit 2day..I deserve it.

On top again!!!!

2007-05-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

It has been a very long four years. I have suffered through insults, heartbreak and bitter arguments but I never lost hope. I never stopped believing that we would one day go back to our rightful place a top the premiership league. Yes!! We got the trophy back!!! All ye ARSENAL fans....especially EDU...eat your hearts out!!!For all the faithful MAN-U fans...we will be painting the town red this week. WE ARE BACK!!! It took a long time for us to get here but it was worth the wait and boy....victory is sweet.

That’s my piece.

PS: EDU…Should I bring you a MAN-U t-shirt?? I insist that you have a taste of what it feels like to be a champion....

Booty-call Etiquette...

2007-04-30T21:05:00.000-04:00

After the 45 min presentation that I had to give today I decide to cool off and join a couple of friends at bateman's for a drink. If you were in MD today, u would know that it was totally necessary...it was just too hot to pass up that screamin orgasm. As usual, things came up. A good friend of mine had to let a great booty-buddy go the other day because apparently he was breaking the "code". Now, everyone knows that if you are in a non-commital relationship there are rules of engagement. Apparently this clingy brotha had no idea so for those of you out there ready to get out for the summer... Here are the booty-call commandments:

1)THOU SHALL GET OUT BEFORE THE SUN RISES
This is a booty call not a spa invitation.It's strictly a get in and get out situation. Enough said.

2)THOU SHOULD NEVER ASK "CAN WE GO OUT ON A DATE?"

There is a reason why ure ass is only called out after 1.00pm. Figure it out.

3)THOU SHALL REFRAIN FROM REFERRING TO ACTIVITIES AS "LOVE MAKING"

I really don't need to explain this one..

4)THOU SHALL NOT REQUEST ADVANCE PLANS

I really don't agree with this one..I'm totally OCD about my plans.

5)THOU SHALL KISS ANYTHING EXCEPT THE MOUTH

hmm...

6)THERE SHALL BE NO PILLOW TALK.

Actually, there should be no talking period...unless of course its part of the "activities".

7)THERE SHALL BE NO CUDDLING-ever!!
If you are into this...google.."cuddling parties".

8) IF SOMEONE SHOULD COMETH OVER WHILST THOU ART THERE, THOU ART MY COUSIN FROM OUT OF TOWN.

If you do not resemble anything close to family then the closet has enough room.

9)THOU SHALL NOT ASK ME TO WALK THEE TO THY CAR

This will warrant a smack or ven a full on beat-down..

10)THOU SHALL NEVER USE REAL NAME ON CONTACT LIST

I think this should be no.1 on the list.

For my gals..its only 3 weeks to graduation!!!
much love..

peace..

I really can't use this new blogger system..

Random rant..

2007-04-19T08:59:00.000-04:00

These days I prefer the company of my single friends. It's just easier to deal with them. I can usually hang out, get a couple of drinks, tell them about recent dating mishaps and they'll be no judgments just laughter and a few jacked up words of encouragement.
Dealing with my friends who are in relationships is becoming very weird. Apparently, since I’ve not been with the same man since I was 20 there is something seriously wrong with me and the fact that I have no plans to have kids before I am 25 is just unacceptable.
Okay, I admit. My relationship wrap sheet is not exactly impressive. I have dated some jacked up people in my lifetime. Either way, I never regretted being with any one of them. In any relationship there are some good times and there are the bad, that’s just the way life is. Dating is like a zoo in a jungle, you will definitely run into some problems. If at the end of it all ure still standing and didn’t go Cho seung-Hui on anyone, ure a survivor in my book.
I recently just discovered that being in a relationship for more than a year gives you a moral passport to judge and stereotype all your single friends. Every time I hook up with these mamas I can see the disapproval in their eyes. Like I’m less of a woman because I don’t have a jamaa to wash boxers for at home. And the questions…the damn questions. Did you sleep with him? I really don’t think it was the right thing to do? When me and my sweetheart met we didn’t have sex for 3 months, maybe you should try that. And please, don’t let them read your blog, everyone gets the wrong idea when they do. I mean, some of the stuff I hear s ridiculous….. In a way it’s funny. If I were to pull some of these mama’s dating histories mine would look like it belonged to mother Theresa…I aint kidding.
I had no idea that I was in a race of some sort and missed the big prize. There is a law out there that says I should have discovered Mr. Right by the time I turned 23 and should be on my way to planning my wedding and having kids. Yep, I missed that boat by a river. I’ve been dating for what seems like and eternity and it doesn’t look like the dude is bout to show himself any time soon. But that’s ok. I’m enjoying the ride.
If you’re in a long term relationship…good for you and your darling. Just give ure single friends a damn break.

Peace..

The "Kenyan" woman issue....

2007-04-12T22:50:00.000-04:00

It all started with Saturday night at “fever”, Morgan State’s International Show. It was nice, I hadn’t seen people dunda like that on stage for a while but it got to a point where I was insanely bored. There were just too many Nigerian folk there but that’s a blog for another day. Unfortunately, they did an entire skit based on the lives of freshmen on campus and what do you know they just had to clown on Kenyan women.
As if that wasn’t enough, I was at starbucks today having a nice chat with one of my boys when some of his friends walked up. They said hi and naturally we got to talking. During the conversation, they found out I was Kenyan and damn….you should have seen the expression change on one of the dudes’ faces. I almost felt dirty. Like being born Kenyan was the worst thing that could ever happen. Apparently dude had dated a Kenyan chic and she turned out to be psycho and shit so the word "KENYAN" for him is synonymous with "PROCEED WITH CAUTION".
So what’s the deal?? Kenyan women have a really nasty reputation in the states. Most of my boys have vowed to never date a Kenyan chica…ever!! Personally, I think it’s the gold digger image that most men associate us with. Seriously just because most Kenyan women like to date successful jamaas doesn’t mean they are gold diggers. It’s just the way we were brough up.IF you wnated to get married potential husband must be well educated or a successfull businessman. Don't even think of bringing the jobless dude that hangs out at the bust stop all day home. I don’t know bout u guys but if I brought a dude home the first question the parental units would ask is "what does he do?. what do his parents do? What are his future plans? and ..... If there wasn’t a good answer then your Romeo wasn’t worth it. It’s just the way I’ve been conditioned (don’t wanna speak for anybody out there). But then again, I have dated some of the brokest dudes out there, not even funny and they’ve happened to be some of the most positive experiences I’ve had…go figure.
N’way I’m just tired of people giving us shit. I mean it’s all sorts of crap…Kenyan chics give bad head, Kenyan chics don’t know how to dress (lakini some of us need fashion police), Kenyan chics are too much with the fake hair, they drink too much, they smother you, they deman this and that...the list is endless....
Oh fuck it!!I admit, I’m not perfect. I never said that I was. I probably am one of the most fucked up people out there but u know what....I'm Proud 2 be a Kenyan chic....

peace..

Top 15 monlogues in film according to me...

2007-04-01T19:30:00.000-04:00

Since I spend half my free time in front of the screen I thought this would be a neat thing to do. I've seen a couple of lists out there that I'm not particularly pleased with so here's my take on all this..

15) V for Vendatta speech: I think it's grammatically creative.

14) Swordfish: John Travolta makes a good point.

13) Closer: Brutally honest break-up scene.

12) Pulp Fiction: Samuel L. Jackson's divine intervention.

11) Any given Sunday: AL Pacino inspires all in the locker room.

10) Kill Bill: Oren Ishii fights back.

9) Fight Club: The realization.

8) Devil's Advocate: Satan's description of God.

7) Silence of the lambs: The reason Anthony Hopkins won an oscar.

6) Training day: Denzel is superb in this scene.

5)Goodwill Hunting : Matt Damon's take on the "real" price of education.

4) Four Weddings and A funeral: Very moving...
( the scene is kind of long but its worth the watch)

3) Braveheart : I don't think anyone could ever forget this speech.

2) The libertine: I love this one so much, I know it verbatim.

1) 25th Hour: Priceless.

I think that's it...

peace...

Random Thoughts...

2007-03-28T15:07:00.000-04:00

I think blogging is like taking a shit. You know that you should try and do it everyday but sometimes you don't and it takes a couple of days. Sometimes you have the runs and you just can't shut up so u put everything out there... and sometimes ure constipated and the dry spell kicks in.On some rare occassions you just sit on the toilet and think and today is one of those days so I'll ramble on.

I'm very pleased with myself today, I've been trying to isolate a gene for the past three months and today I finally found it. The sucker glows blue in the dark and I'm glad to say I have five strains of it and naturally I fondly named them supafly1-5. Finally, I think I just may graduate this May.

I decided to go celibate and so far it's going well. My friends didn't think I could do it and none of them believe me but its true. I think I'll wait until the summer, something about the heat makes people do naughty things. We'll see how that goes.

I recently changed my gyno. I think I made the right decision. She's really cool and young and doesn't make me feel like I'm getting my goods checked out by my grandmother...my last gyno was old. Oh yeah, and kind of judgemental... everytime I went in there I felt like she wanted to break out the bible and tell me how living in sin was wrong. She frowned evertime I asked for contraception and gave me this "look" hmm...I'm glad that's over.

I'm thinking about plastic surgery. Well, scratch that. I WAS thinking about plastic surgery until I found out it would cost me the price of a new car. The problem is, I have big boobs and I swear my left boob is way bigger than my right boob, I think it just looks odd. Oh yeah, I also wanted to get rid of my enlarged labia. It would be cool if the labia was enlarged on both sides but in my case, yep, its only on one side. I recently had a chat with my ex and asked him what he thought about it. The brotha had to confess that the first time it thru him off a little bit but after that he was kool. Maybe I'll take a poll and see what the other dudes thot about it.

So I watched 300 2 weeks ago and I thought it was awesome. That scottish dude has some heart, and he looks good too. Someone told me he's gay.Is that true? Well it could be, most hot men are gay anyway.

One of my friends just came out. She's a lesbian. Very weird. I've never met a Kenyan lesbian couple before, I just didn't think that Kenyans were out there like that. I really don't know what to think about this. I guess I'm just conservative when it comes to some stuff.

Does anyone know how to make decent bhajias out there? If you can, can you please e-mail me a recipe, I'm having some serious cravings and the bhajias that I made last tasted like shit. If someone is sitting on some hot ideas..pass them on. I'm serioulsy going nuts.

Ok...this post isn't making any sense so I'll stop right there.I think that's it for my random thots.
peace.

What would u say??

2007-01-03T19:00:00.000-05:00

I just had the funniest conversation with one of my friends on the ride home. Apparently since it's the New Year, everyone is busy evaluating their life and their relationships. Some situations tend to get sticky and it's hard to wiggle your way out of them. Let me start from the beginning...
It was one of those impromptu fuck fest weekend getaways that you plan in the middle of the year to get rid of all the stress thats been piling up. I got on the redeye and endured the six hour flight with raging hormones. I finally arrived at the airport, jumped into a taxi and immediately checked into the hotel room. I looked at my clock, it was around one in the morning and I was sure he was about to get there too. I quickly took a shower and changed into a cute fredericks number that I had gotten on sale the weekend before. Before I knew it, the door opened and there he was..looking good as ever and I was ready to eat him up.
Things were going well until I slipped up. We were getting hot and heavy and dude was strapped and ready to go and then all of a sudden, the words came out " I love you".Trust me, I was shocked myself....I waited for a reaction and all I could hear was ...silence. I could see the horror like look on his face and I could feel his dick shrinking to the size of a peanut. I knew it would never be the same again. All I could say was that I was sorry. Nothing happened that night, I took the first flight back to Baltimore the next day and that was that. We're still friends but the relationship is tainted.
My girlfriend and I were wondering about the same thing today...is there a right time to tell someone you love them? If so..when is it?
A couple of months ago a guy told me that he loved me and all I could say was a whimpered 'thank you'. I just didn't know what to say.. is there an appropriate thing to say to someone if you don't love them back?Hmm...something to think about.
My friend Edu swears that you should just lie, if you wanna keep getting laid but I somehow don't agree with that. If there's someone out there reading this...give me ure 2 cents...what would u say???

Bitter poem no. 652003

2006-12-02T21:58:00.000-05:00

Part 1 – How my favorite lamp got Broken
As he fled my apartmentwith his possessions and broken heart
he slammed the front door and the lamp fell on the floor
enveloping the room in a chilly darkness.
And he said You'll probably put that in your blog too
Won't you
You sick f**k
he was right.

Part 2 - Sorry about your being hurt
I wanted to meet with you to talk
and you said that we should
and then you said that you couldn't
without first talking to your chaperone
I'm sorry, I mean your therapist,
It's not like I'd ever report your petty acts of torture on my blog or anything
or write it down and use it for my work or anything
I'm just a demented troubadour
a little bit too paranoid
But I really have moved on
in many important and meaningful ways
I remember how much you loved white chocolate
so I melted a big block of it on the stove
and while it was still boiling
I poured it on the voodoo doll likeness of you
Just in case you were wondering whereyou got the f**king rash from

Part 3 - Tales of Casanova
I really want to get a Dog
A really big dog
But I need a man first
The dog's love is so unconditional and magnificent
If I get a Dog beforeI get a man
I'm sure I'll turn into one of those Animal Freaks
that have birthday parties for their Dogs
and all their Dogs' Doggie friends
and make them wear little party hats
and videotape that lunacy
And without a manI'll sit at home with my Dog,
who will be named Casanova
and he'll have a Fat gold chain
with his name cast in Giant rough hewn gold letters CASANOVA
and we'll get a convertible
and we'll ride around with the top down
and I'll make him wear sunglasses
and when we roll up to the park,
all the other Dogs will all be jealous
and they'll say'Oh shit!
Check out CASANOVA’S Fat rideAnd his Fat gold chains!'
And CASANOVA and I will sit at homewatching the video of his birthday party
becoming less and less attractive to other men
as we spend More and More time with each other
I Definitely need a man beforeI get a Dog

Look at what I've been reduced to....

Must give head....

2006-10-19T15:46:00.000-04:00

So the summer is finally over and I'm back to dealing with the usual hassles of school and work all over again. It sucks but it has to be done. So where am I at?

Let me start from the beginning:
I was sixteen and he was seventeen. We had met earlier that week when I arrived to spend the christmas holiday with my crazy aunt martha and my cousin dee. Malik was his name, and I still smile when I hear his name to this day.It was a warm Saturday afternoon and we were nestled in the corner of in my cousins bedroom talking about absolutely nothing or rather nothing I can remember. He was cute, his thick hair was a rich black and his skin was soft. His lips were even softer. The kisses got more intense and he began to search my body in ways that I had never experienced, he moved slowly but skilfully and I loved every minute of it. He eventually got so far down I could feel his tongue on my clit and then everything exploded....my first orgasm...boom....another and another until I lay on the floor exhausted.

I recently had lunch with a couple of my girlfriends and some serious topics came up while we were nestled at the back of some weird chinese restaurant. One of my gals has been dating this kenyan dude for about 2 years and she loves him to death. I almost dropped my glass when she uttered the words " my jamaa doesn't give me head". Worse off the mama has NEVER EVER EVER in her entire life gotten head from any of the jamaas she's dated. I almost went into a coma.Then I realized that she wasn't the only one, most Kenyan guys don't ever take a dive and even when they do they have no idea how to proceed. No wonder Kenyan mamas are pissed off most of the time. They are just sexually unsatisfied. Oh yeah, don't give me that crap about kamba dudes and how they know how to get it on in the bedroom. I dated one of those and they guy couldn't find my spot even if I gave him a map and a torch down there.The last Kenyan guy I dated gave me this bs about how I have to be someone special in his life before he even did that. He dated his last girlfriend for 3 yrs and the mama also never got any. So really how long do I have to be with a jamaa before I get some head? I didn't stick around to find out.

Malik was the first dude who ever gave me head. The experience was absolutely heavenly, I think heavenly is even an understatement...too bad some women don't even know what I'm talking about.I really don't understand what the big deal is...the majority of women have suffered through hairy, soggy, salty balls and stinky dicks in the name of satisfying the brothas. Why can't they return the favor??? I recently dated this white dude and he gave head on day 1 without even me having to ask, apparently there was no 2 year wait time.

I wonder if all the brothas went to a universal training camp where they were told not to give head at any cost. If so, I'll start my own instructional camp and call is brothas-movin-a-head...or something like that with a 1800 number like 1-800-give head.

I really don't understand...someone explain this to me...

peace ....

Mission: Impossible III- The getting laid saga

2006-06-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

So where do I start...yes, the beginning of summer. Apparently jana was the first day of what was supposed to be "the summer of love" but now it seems that my hopes of getting laid have combusted into thin air...chances have moved from slim to none.
Okay, let me explain myself ... It has been 9 months, 1 day and 6 hours since I last got laid...well since I had a good run under the sheets and the heat is just making it worse. I shit you not, I'm bubbling over...the hormones are killing me. Oh yeah, I already tried the whole dildo thing but the thingamajigs sound like tractors and I almost burnt off my clit trying to hide the freaking noise from my brother whose still not convinced I was shaving my legs at 2.00am on a saturday morning.

Oh yeah..back to the story...So I went out last weekend and ran into a friend of mine from waaay back in the day and we get to talking, apparently both of us are stuck in the sahara desert and are looking to end the dry spell. Well, i really wasn't convinced tht sleeping with the first dude that came my way was the solution to my problem but this guy assurred me that he was the best lay this side of the chesapeake and that his last girlfriend still called him for occassional booty calls that was until she moved out of the country.....By tuesday night my horny exhausted ass was on the phone leaving a message... I decided to go Mi III style: Hello X, this is shi... your mission, should you choose to accept it is to come over to my house and fuck me senseless. arrrival time is 12.00am and be prompt( the door will be open), offer expires exactly at 6.00am.

So by 11.50, I'm showered,ready and waiting, fully decked out in that hot frederick's number that I was planning to wear for my X. Here is the sad outcome...true story:

11.52: turn off lights, turn on skinemax to get the mood straight.
11.59: Mr. X walks in.
12.00: Both parties undress and embrace passionately.
12.01: Mr. X gets strapped.
12.01.30: Mr. X cums...
12.02: Still in shock...I reaalllyyyyy can't believe what happenned.
12.02: 30: Mr X out on the street.
12.03: Need cold shower.
a day later: still pissed off...

I still can't believe what happenned damn it...I really neeed to get laid.

Waiting..

2006-06-05T00:13:00.000-04:00

She opened the door and there he was, drenched in the rain that still pounded steadily outside. Her heart skipped a beat. Of course, he always does that doesn’t he? She thought. Why are you here? She asked. I felt you calling, I can’t be without you, was his reply.
But you don’t want to be with me! that’s what you said. Have you forgotten already? Stop talking, he kissed her. She pushed him away, and then ran back and kissed him.
She could feel his hardness against her, she took in the scent of him, and she closed her eyes and allowed herself to drown in the taste of his tongue. And so it went…a blouse unbuttoned, a skirt raised to the waist, his pants on the floor and before she knew it, she could feel his hardness inside her. Their entwined bodies moved together like a perfectly rehearsed melody, a song she had danced to so many times before.
But soon she knew it would be over, and so it was, he dressed and left her there. His last look was as cold as the kitchen floor she was draped over and she knew that every time he left; he took a piece of her. Every time he walked away, a good part of her died but she thought that if he never returned she would be dead anyway. Better to die in bits than all at the same time….She would wait for him to return for another dance and maybe this time it would be longer, maybe this time he would stay.

A word says nothing
and at the same time it hides everything
just as the wind that hides the water
like the flowers that hide the mud.

A glance says nothing
and at the same time it says everything
Like the rain on your face
Or an old treasure map.

A truth says nothing
and at the same time it hides everything
like a bonfire that does not go out
like a stone that is born dust.

If one day I'm without you,
I will be nothing
And at the same time
I will be everything
Because in your eyes are my wings
And the shore where I drown,
Because in your eyes are my wings
And the shore where I drown.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR BALLS ARE???!!!

2006-05-29T13:45:00.000-04:00

Yes, this one is especially for the guys…if you don’t know where ure protein-filled sacs are it means that someone else is walking around with them, or even worse, has put them in a jar and displayed it in their living room as a battle trophy.
Well, is that too harsh…aii… hapana…no. After being single for a while I have discovered that there are no mandingo men out there. Yaani, the kind of man that’s just that… a man. The kind of brother who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to get it or ask for it. The kind of dude who will grab ure ass push u against the wall and fuck ure brains out with ure panties to the side and then ask for ugali and mbuzi after that. It’s not that he doesn’t have a softer side, he does, but is only to be seen when necessary.
Just last week, I saw a fully grown man being dragged out of a bar when hanging out with friends because his girlfriend wasn’t having fun and wasn’t happy that he was. She rudely demanded that they both leave…immediately. The guy hesitated for a second and got such a nasty look, he just jumped into the car leaving his jacket and all his shit behind.
That just shows the only men around are the half-gay ball-less brothers walking around pretending to be the “new-version” of the kind of man that we want. Men whose identity is so far gone, they have been reduced to attending baby showers and house cleaning parties. But wait…there is hope, there is still time to reclaim your balls and live free. First, we must locate the problem; here are some tell-tale signs that u need to emancipate yourself.

If your natsi girlfriend has u so far up her ass u spend most of ure weekend attending to her and her girlfriend’s needs. Duties include chauferring, picking up the dry cleaners, mowing the lawn, cocktailing and dinner at some place you can’t even pronounce.
You are afraid of using ure own credit card for that new x-box for fear of being found out and having ure priviledges revoked.
You don’t remember the last time u hang out with fellow brothers.
You know what a frangipani is.
You know where the panty-hose section at macy’s is because u have been sent there on too many “emergency” trips.
You never, ever, say no.
You resume now includes “personal chef”, ure mama can’t cook to save her life.
You know when bed bath and beyond is having a sale.
You have no idea whose on ure speed dial since someone else programmed it.
You no longer go to the club since the las time u went u were 5 mins late, and din’t get laid for a week.
U rarely get laid, and ure not even married but u live with ure girlfrien

Well, I kind of stuck to the natsi girlfriend list but this includes mama’s boys too. Well, I really don’t care whose holding ure balls hostage just get them back so women can have some real men to choose from.
If you are a king, then reclaim ure crown and damn it…won’t it feel really good having them back????
That’s my piece..
Peace.

I'm BAAACK!!!

2006-05-28T21:04:00.000-04:00

Yes, the summer is here...it is hot as hell and i'm ready to unleash the crap that has been acummulating over the past few months. First though, let me catch up on the sopranos.

PS: congrats to msani on his award...for the rest of you KBW members...kwani a sista couldn't even get a nomination??

You are who you are...

2005-12-15T10:34:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm back...free from all school work..exams and assignments. I finally get excess sleeping time which is good coz waking up during those freakin cold mornings was becoming a bitch.
I recently hang out with this dude and he just irritated the crap out of me, you know..the kind of guy who deprives u of solitude without giving u the luxury of good company.This guys is like 30 plus years but converstaion with him is reminiscent of those days in the playground where you argued about whose house was bigger.
It's like he's on a competition with the entire planet..let me say the entire kenyan community of maryland. Apparently since one of his boys got a benz, he's thinking of a lexus...this chic bought a 3 b/room house...he's thinking of a 5 b/room one.

This guys isn't for real, he spends most of his money trying to keep up with everyone who makes more than he does.It's sad to see..well, It's actually amusing. Kind of like trying to make a dollar out of 2 pennies...So I kept listening and as if that wasn't enough...this nigga had the nerve to analyze my entire existance and pin-point where I need to improve. I may have hesitated to straighten u out but nani...if ure reading this...get ure ass out of my business. And just in case u don't know...a couple of facts.

yep, my ass is broke...btwn tuition...bills...lap dances..alcohol and food...yep..I'm broke. I have 0.76cents between me and poverty.
not interested in how much anyone else makes..doesn't make any difference in my life.
I don't own a car...at all.
I have a valid MTA pass..yep..I ride the bus.
I don't own a house...
I'm freaking 22..still live with my brother.
Will graduate next year, and yeah...it's taking me 5 years...sorry three's too short.
I am very chunky, and no...will not invest in bowflex, get on atkins or whatever diet is the thing right now.
I'm addicted to cable and the internet...would go hungry for both.

well, I think the list says enough right now...the point: U are who u are and that don't change no matter how much money u got. Dumb is dumb, a ho is a ho (see udi's blog), a gold-digger is a gold digger...a spade is a spade...

Everyone needs to stop trying to keep up with the rest of the world and move at their own pace, i think it's always better when u make ure own rules.

peace.

BTW: Much love and thanks to devo, Izz, edu and b.lee for helping move my stuff acouple of weeks back...pole it's coming late...but u know fam is fam.

What 've learnt...

2005-11-20T17:31:00.000-05:00

I love the fall,everything changes...and it gets a little cooler. It's quiet and pleasant and I find that I have a lot of time to reflect. So I recently turned 22...and it's funny, as u get older u wonder what it is that u have achieved as the years passed. Since it's thanksgiving week, I thought I'd come up with a list of the things that I'm thankful for...well, maybe not really...Let's just say that life is full of lessons...and I'm thankful for what I've picked up along the way.

I've learnt....

That maturity has more to do with the experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
That background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for whom we become.
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
That it’s selfish to be rude.
That a smile goes a long way in brightening someone’s day.
That sometimes it’s just better to forgive.
That we can’t always have what we want.
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
That death isn’t the end of anything; it’s the beginning of it.
That no matter how badly your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
That it may be easier to react than to plan ahead, but it's much less effective.
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
That you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
That it's not what happens to us that's important. It's what we do about it.
That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
That you can be surprised at what you do if only you try.
That learning to forgive takes practice.
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
That no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
That it take a lot of courage to love someone.
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
That regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, passion fades and there had better be something stronger to take its place.
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
That you cannot make someone love you.All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
That no matter how much you care, some people just don't care back.
That it takes years to build up trust, but only seconds to destroy it.
That it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
That there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, and just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends=change.
That your life can be changed in a matter of seconds by people who don't even know you.
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
That there is no such thing as too much chocolate.
That some movies were meant to be watched more than once.
That some people are just bad company.
That drinking can be a remedy for a lot of things.
That sometimes crying can be a good thing.
That high-heels don’t always make me look prettier.
That I sometimes need to listen.
That my mother was right about a lot of things.
That sometimes we all just need a break.
That the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
That life was just meant to be lived.

I lost...again...

2005-11-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

It's midnite and I have a major exam tomorrow but I can't sleep. My thoughts are scatterred all over the place, it's cold in my bedroom, but I'm too numb to get up and turn on the damn heater.
I'm proud...I admit, and I hate to lose, but once again I'm standing here, staring at her, wondering how I'm going to start all over. I can't lie, it hurts but at the same time it feels good to feel the pain, it means that at the end of all this I won't feel it any more, it means it will all be over.
Once again it's my fault, I thought that I could play games and gamble, I upped the ante and I had no more collateral, I put her on the table, and I lost her. Now she's here, thrown back at me without a second thot, looking worse than she was before, I can't believe that I thought it would be different...it wasn't, he wasn't.
I remember the first time I saw him, I exhaled and took in a deep breath,I closed my eyes and all I could smell was him, all I could hear was him,all I could feel was him.I was fully absorbed in what I thought was "us"...now my eyes are wide open...blurred by the tears that I cry for me, the hurt that I feel from within...but mostly the tears I cry are for her...Ooh for her.
I remember when I got her she was fresh, our first day together was a blessing, she had blood rushing thru her veins,hear beating was like a lion's roar thru the freaking tsavo,she was free, we were both free... everyone around us was ecstatic even if it was raining outside, she was born ready, yeah...we were both on a mission...we were going to take over the world.
I remember us going thru kindergarten and fighting off those Std. one bullies for goody goodies...I remember std.8 when dad died and she beat for me,let the blood gush thru my veins and gave me strength to wake up every morning...I remember being left behind when all the love was gone and she still beat ...for me, when the asthma came in that night and I almost died she still beat, for me, for our sake...she was the wind beneath my wings, the rock that I held on to...and now..there she is...weak...tired...This time I wonder if it's still going to be the same?
Well, why not...I look at her, 22 years later, and we're both still here. She's right here by my side...hurt, broken, but still beating, again...for our sake.
So I take that one last breath, shed the last tear, acknowledge that I lost...and what? Pick up my bruised heart from the floor, we never really did know how to handle the love thing anyway...maybe it was just never meant to be.So there it is...I'm back where I started...but my heart still beats, and I can hear it's echo thru my veins...I still have a song...and damn it...I'm still here.

Ten Men...My take on all this...

2005-10-23T22:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I've been blog-hopping lately and it seems that due to the massive weather changes, people have been hit by the luv bug. I on the other hand, seem to be travelling in the other direction. Yes, there is trouble in paradise and once again, this has led me to round up my girl-friends and attend to this dire matter. Only, after a couple of afternooon cocktails on a rainy Friday afternoon, we realized that it doesn't matter who you date. You almost always end up with either one of the "ten men".There could be more out there but I'm not over-ambitious...so here I go...

"Mandingo Man"
This is one of the brothers u will never forget, u can spot his ass anywhere, better yet, u can smell him if he is anywhere near your zip code. This is the guy who gave u the best lovin u ever got, he put it down so many times, u lost count. The guy u compare all ure other lovers to but never say so. The reason why u didn't stay together...u had nothing in common outside the bedroom..but u still keep his number on speed dial just in case u run into a dry patch.
"The Dormancy Guy"
You still don't know why u dated this guy, he was the "starving artist" type guy...maybe it's because he reminded you of Johnny Depp. Umm...all you can remember is that u helped pay his rent, fed him and did his laundy and until u got tired and told his ass to call tyrone.U finally realized that the man was keeping ure life on hold...the dude had no further ambitions other than to drink, watch curb ure enthusiasm and fall asleep on the couch til past 12 everyday.

"Mr. Nice Guy"
Yeah, we all remember him, he made u that mix with all the cute love songs that u like. He bought roses, he remembered the first time u kissed. You had a first month anniversary and when u were sick he drove all the way to panera's in the next county to get you the soup u were craving for.The only problem is that when u got better, u felt like u were being smothered. It wasn't that he wasn't good enough..he just didn't have "it", nope he had to go too.

"The pup"
The younger guy. So adorable, he worshipped the ground you walked on, he introduced u to all his friends and even wanted to introduce you to his mother. The only problem: sneaking into his dorm after midnite became too tasking and this whole having sex in shifts because he has a room-mate wasn't working. And yeah, not to mention the uncomfortable bunk bed and superman bed-set...he had to go too.

"The Sugar Daddy"
So when you met he told you he was 35, then he turned 40 and then all of a sudden..53.Okay, so u like the conversation and the fact that he pays rent doesn't hurt either but then u suddenly realize that nothing is for free, and that viagra exists and ure not ready for that shit, so u change ure number and the next time he turns up at ure house, u pay the gay latino guy from upstairs to answer the door and hit on him...lucky for u, he never did come back.

"The stalker"
So you met him at the bookstore and he seemed cute enough and harmless so you gave him ure number.The relationship starts out well until he starts calling u 20 times a day, he's waiting for you when u get off work and you could swear it's his ass u saw hiding behind a jeep u when u were at the post office. To confirm the notion, he calls to tell u that it doesn't take 2o minutes to buy stamps. That's when u finally realize that it's a good thing ure friend from work has a boyfriend whose a cop...lord knows u need the restraining order.

"The Virgin"
When he said that he was a virgin, you felt like shit..that's one of those divine thing like when those guys got manna from heaven when they were in the desert. The last 25 yr old virgin in the freaking country.Since the dude hasn't got a clue about what goes on in the bedroom, you make a pilgrimage to barnes and noble and borders... find all the clearance books on "how to" and even shell out a nifty 30 bucks for the special edition of the karma sutra. You end up teaching the guy everything u know about sex, and even try out those weird positions like "bud in the flower' and stuff like that. Only after a month, the dude realizes that he's a potential casa nova and leaves ure ass for some other chic. Oh well, atleast u still have the special ed KS..do they take back stuff at barnes and noble if u don't have a receipt?

"What the fuck" This is the guy we all regret. The rebound guy...so u broke up with ure beau of like 2yrs or something...spot his ass at Della notte's with another chic and u go on freak mode. Somehow u end up at a bar and pick up whom I'd like to refer as "the bottom of the barrel guy" and take him home. After a week of pathetic existance u finally break it off and NEVER..EVER...tell anyone about it (until ofcourse after a couple of cocktails) and still it's like ...what the fuck was I thinkin?!!!

"Kryptonite" Ahhh...the power of this guy. I swear everyone has had a kryptonite..and if u haven't he's coming soon. My mum and my aunt are the ones who told me about this guy after a couple of drinks at Tembo Ndogo...those of u who have been to the coast know the place. The kryptonite dude is the guy u love FOREVER....he has that special place in ure heart and if he walked thru the door and asked for ure life...u'd consider giving it to him.That's the dude u'd consider getting stuck on an island with for the rest of ure life. I mean, the man makes u weak. I honestly believe in the power of the kryptonite guy...back home, we have pets named after him. My mum has never forgotten this guy. And yes, I testify, I have a kryptonite of my own...but that's a blog for another day.Too bad u almost always never end up with this dude, my aunt considers that there is one unwritten law...that u never marry kryptonite, u only marry ure best friend so that when u wake u one day and all the love is gone, they'll be that one extra thing to take u thru those final days.( I don't know about that though, my aunt has been divorced twice now, I'm not sure she really knows anything about marriage).

"The One" Okay, since I haven't met him yet, and so have none of my girls...we can only hope that this is the dude u end up with. Not exactly the prince, or the knight in shining armor..just a simple dude who can cope with the everyday. An honest kind of guy who can hold u down...and sometimes even take ure shit when u have those "angry woman" kind of days. The kind of guy u'd like to take home to mama...well, I guess "the one" is different for everyone...so I'll stop blabbing there.

So there it ends...this one's for the KD's who keep it together thru all the shit and for all the strong AKA's out there who remind me of what a joy it is to be a beautiful black african sista...I wish u happiness and most of all I wish u love...OH YEAH..SCORPIOS....HAPPY B-DAY TO US!!!

B.O.D.M.A.S...please tell me u remember?

2005-10-13T09:43:00.000-04:00

Okay, I know I should keep this blogging thing consistent but I actually have to pay attention to biostatistics sometimes. Speaking of this class, the other day I waltzed in, late as usual to get my exam results...not bad..not bad at all. Apparently, not everyone did well in the exam, people couldn't compute basic math and hence the tantrum that my instructor was throwing that morning.
So I walk in and take my exam and as i'm perusing thru, he starts...I'm very dissapointed in some of you, I was shocked to see that people couldn't do basic math, this messed up their entire flowcharts and histograms..let's review..

19+22-40/52+rt16-5 is equal to what?

The teacher asks what the process was and since most of the people in my class went to elementary here they have this whole thing about Mary's mother and grandmother doing something..and I'm like what?? I don't know what the hell ure talking about...so everyone in class is shocked wondering how I got my ass into college and didn't go through elementary.

So the teacher turns to me and asks just how I did the freaking problem if I didn't know the basic ruless. My response: BODMAS....yaani the one mrs.Gitonga taught me..if you don't know...

Brackets
Of
Division
Multiplication
Addition
Subtraction

The man looks at me and doesn't really understand what the crap I'm talking about. So I get up and head to the board and explain myself while doing the freaking problem. Most of these punks are still lost and so it takes another 20 mins before everyone understands what the hell I'm talking about.

Response: Wow...u learnt that from Africa? or did u read it on the internet. My response...Mary and her grandmother didn't do very well in teaching you math.

that's my piece.

where i live...

2005-10-05T11:18:00.000-04:00

I know I'm a little late on talking about this whole Katrina thing but after William Bennette's comment on all black children being aborted to lower the crime rate, I'm out of hibernation. These freakin racists just don't give minorities a break.

Katrina was a reminder...a very good one at that...that we all have our place and should never forget it. I live in neighborhood in baltimore where 98% of my neighbors are black, and if they aren't they are either Mexican's or white trash. Most of the time, stuff is okay, we don't have any drama going on but sometimes, well, yeah, life sends us the all too clear message that we are who we are.

Let me start from the beginning. I lived in Kile for most of my life and when my mum finally decided to move I ended up in Kahawa sukari for 2 years then the states.I used to think that everything was fair, that if I just worked hard, everything would be okay.It turns out that not everyone plays a fair game, you have to deal with the cards that u've been handed and sometimes it's all just fuck'd up. Living where I live now, I've learnt more about life (and reality) than any one person could ever teach me. I learnt with my own eyes, felt the pain myself and everyday when I walk out of my house, yes, I remember just who I am. I used to listen to Pac and think that what he rapped about sometimes was just an exaggeration... thuggin, violence, poverty, police brutality..all of it was just a joke. Then, I moved here and learnt that gangstas don't even want to be gangstas, they want out. It's like everyone is looking to just move on and live a normal life, people are stuck battling what society has decided their destiny should be.

In the past two years, I've personally met the swat at my doorstep, had a neighbor killed in a drive-by, have seen drug raids, kids arrested..the list is endless. But in those same years, i've seen kids who never looked like they had a chance graduate high-school and move on to college, I've had friends who never thought they'd get through college graduate and move on to better things. Everyday when I wake up and walk through my door, and hear all the good mornings and see the smiles of old grandmothers taking their grand kids to school..I'm reminded that somehow, there is hope.

Hope for those who have been neglected, the people we decided not to see.Whose tears have dried because they got tired of crying. Who sat waiting fo help and none of it came.What am I tryin to say? there are social Katrina's happenning everyday all accross America.People are homeless, hungry, jobless, uneducated... Children are sleeping in bath-tubs because the gun-shots are too much, half the black-male population in urban neighborhoods is headed to jail...funny...no-one thinks about that.

I know most of u are reading this thinking, well it's not my war, I'm from Kenya or wherever. I'm african.Yeah, I see that but I also remind u that just like the difference between night and day, yeah, they see black and white...to a racist, there is no difference, black is black.I know just about everyone living around here has one personal "racist" story to tell, myself included.Just imagine a people who've had to live through that day after day. I know we all have varied opinions about African Americans but i'm coming at this from the other side. So if ure out there, and think ure not part of this, I suggest u stare at the mirror, look out the window and break out of ure bubble...reality is reality. Live ure life but don't be ignorant to what's happening to ure neighbor.

The problem with titles...

2005-09-30T10:20:00.000-04:00

I know I should really stop blogging during biostatistics but hey..it's Friday and i need to rant, this is rent week and I shall therefore be sober due to the drought that's occurring in my wallet right now, so I'll release stress where it's free to do so.

So last weeekend my ass flew over to Minneapolis..again.I know, it's sad, I was just there. But this time around, my best-friend convinced me that it was in my best interest to do so. Ati I got to kill 2 birds with one stone...hang out with the girls that I hadn't seen in forever..and yes, surprise that jamaa that I really like on his birthday.

Day one, Thursday, B-more traffic has me trippin and I almost miss my flight. But I get toMSP on time and as usual my people are there to pic me up. Next stop, dude's crib on the other side of town.So I turn up at the guys house lookin hot as hell with gifts in tow. Knock on the door, yep its him...not too excited...I'm like aren't u happy 2 see me? He's like..yeah, but it aint no surprise, I knew u were coming. Yes, STELLA....URE ASS CAN NEVER KEEP STUFF ON THE D-L.

Well,it was cool after that, we had home made dinner and all that stuff. So Sato comes along and everyone apparently is in town for this dudes b-day and I was cool with that until the questions came pouring in..so what's u guys status? What?? status?? I'm slow on this shit so the other party explains themselves...are u guys dating? BF and GF? or are u guys just screwing...friends with benefits. I really don't know what the situation is with the two of us so I'm like..I don't know, I'll let u know as soon as I do.

I might as well have been Bush after Katrina, the dismay on the person's face was like..u don't know?? real chica's know what the deal is with their man.Now, since I didn't want to cause any drama I let that slide. So I talk to birthday boy that nite in bed and apparently he's been getting the same questions...what's ure status?? Kwani u guys don't want us to know...ure such a cute couple...bla..bla..bla..

Okay, funny, now I'm thinking that we should have never let this relationship out of the bag, me and this dude have been kool for almost a yr now and all of a sudden we are fighting and shit over this what's ours status crap...Well, for those who want to know what the status is..listen...

We are 4 ever on the phone..try 4o hrs a week...(never on sunday's football is on)
We argue most of the time, but we love it.
we screw all the time when we are together.
we like each other..very much...
we know each other all to well...
we are comfortable with whatever it is that we are..
and really..I mean really... we don't give a phuck what u think...

That's my piece.

To all the other crazy peeps I hang out with this weekend...Stella..Lu...always nice to see ure ass...to my Big Bear..happy birthday...Life always gets better!!!

MINE ARE SPECTACULAR!!

2005-09-25T10:25:00.000-04:00

I recently went blog-hopping and apparently there are serious weight-issues being thrown around. Now, I just thought that as a serious, plus- size woman, I should put in my 2 cents on this. Let me start from the beginning.
Ever since I flew out of my mother's birth canal 22 yrs ago, I was a big baby, I've always been bigger than most in my age group and so have learnt to deal with society an its takes on fat people...okay..fat, blessed, chunky, call it what u want. (whatever makes u comfy). Most of the views were never on the positive side but that was okay, none of that crap ever rubbed off on me..thanks to my lovely mum.
Now, my mum is a diva, by a lot of people's standards(most who know her). And if u talk to her she'll let u know that she was a beauty queen since high school (the getting old mental thing)..which is actually true and she has trophies to prove it. Okay back to me, so ever since i was i tiny tot, I was made to belive that I was beautiful, that I was to be treasured..cherished..yeah, my mama taught me to BELIEVE that I was the shit. Dare I say, it worked, I never have self-esteem problems because of my looks..why..I am the shit.
It's all about adopting an all-positive mantra about ureself. Every night, I look into the bathroom mirror, stark- naked, and chant out loud.. "mine are spectacular" and what do u know...they are...It's all about believeing that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about u, it's about knowing who u are, life is too short to worry about everyone else's crap...I think everyone has their own shit to deal with anyway.
It's funny, the skinny models are everywhere running around telling us how we need to look like, and half..if not all the entire female population in America is counting calories not realizing that these women r not what real women look like. Good grief, I can't even have a cheesecake in public anymore without someone commenting on how fat..well fatter..I could get, so just to get their juices flowing I have two pieces instead of one. Wait, I' m not saying go out and be fat and unhealthy..all I'm saying is food was meant to be enjoyed, know ure limits...BE HEALTHY and ull be fine.
Imagine a world where everyone was size 2...well, I like the variation...it keeps things interesting... On a "MINE ARE SPECTACULAR" note...have fun y'all..enjoy the weekend...damn it..go out and have some fries..
OH yeah..found on interesting poem on def jam...

Poem: "Barbie And Ken 101"Poet: Rafael Casal

sometimes I feel like I'm sittin' in the back row of Barbie and Ken 101
a class we are all in, but never seem to learn from
Some general ed requirement for Students of American culture
A GE that convinces even the brightest of young women that sex is survival of the thinnest
and I'm sick of this education that doesn't serve our best interests
my teacher has no face she is every Revelon model women have ever chased
her lectures come through magazines in beauty shops & ad campaigns,
shit just turn on your tv
this just in, a skewed perspective for todays youth
y'all ladies aint thin enough, fellas aint trim enough,
wanna be sexy? Y'all don't go to the gym enough, cut to commercial,
come on just come tune in to our maintenance team,
convince you' ure ugly then tell you how to fix it with maybelline
Perpetually started by these dolls marketed in the late 50's named Barbie and Ken
hence the class I'm in Are you following?
Shit didn't end They keep moldin' Barbie to fit new trends
next maybe they'll have club hoppin' Barbie With thongs as accessories
video hoe Barbie abusive boyfriend sold separately
underaged Barbie Cobey Bryant included
or 9/11 victim Barbie and Ken is proud to get recruited
problem is all these teachings are womans decay
and I'm startin' to worry cuz my girl is up front and she's getting an A
And this is where I start getting pissed off ok
when the f**k did it become all about tuckin' in the gutt I gotta get the bigger breast
shit I wanna fit a little better in a dress so let me get a little skinny gotta fit into an itty bitty
size slimmer so I livin up the chest
please teacher teacher I wanna give my oral presentation
cuz I have a problem with the class, and matter of fact, I have, a fat ass grudge with the whole administration
you're the reason my girl won't eat in front of me in restaurants
the reason that she thinks she's overweight in over ten spots
less gut less pudge less lunch less real, more looks more love more Barbie appeal?
f**k Barbie and Ken
My future daughter will never play with them
you're the reason bleedin' 15 year old girls arms are slit
You made 12 year olds think skinny was a compliment
And now it's too late I can't write my way through this bathroom door
So I raise my hand in class cuz I can't stand it any more
Teacher teacher your lectures all backwards
You got mothers and daughters forgetting what matters
Cuz above tits, ass, lips, legs, and ugs
The most attractive women are the ones who don't give a f**k
So screw your teachings your lessons and plans
You skewed sick distant relative of the man
Your plan for brainwashin' my baby I reject
I'm walkin' out of this class, and I will proudly take, my F •

Will the real brothas please stand up!!

2005-09-10T18:46:00.000-04:00

When I was a little girl, I used to watch all the little fairy tales that came on K.B.C. like any other whose parents had the few chums to buy that black and white T.V. Everyday, there came a story of heroes, brave knights on white horses, and of course prince charming. I grew up believing that if I was a good girl, went to school, did all of the stuff I was supposed to do..one day my prince would come to me... I would fall in love...get married...have kids and live happily ever after.
22 years later, I have seen only the likes of Mose, Kipro, Vicky, Njoro, Odhis,valdez, simpson,....the list is endless and needless to say, none of them were princes. They are the Johnny Bravo's of my life, brawny but brainless, egotistical, unromantic and every other thing a woman can complain about.
It's funny, when I was growing up I was taught to expect the best a man can give, and I foolishly thought that the brothas would be man enough to let us women receive that..nothing less than the best. I sit in a circle of women and all I hear is "at least". My man is a drunk but "at least" he doesn't beat me up, or my man is a junkie but "at least" he doesn't pawn my stuff to get high, I think my man is cheating but "at least" he comes home to me every night but not her.
At least...at least.I sit at home and sometimes wish that I was the beer that my man loves to hug so much, or that I was the club he runs to every Friday and saturday night. It's sad because most of my friends, like myself have decided to setlle for less. Our men come to us in the ungodly hours of the night, broken, horny and drunk...reeking of other women's scents but we smile because we think ... at least he is next to me...weighing my bed down, and somehow we still hope that when he decides to offer his best, it will be to me and not some other woman.
We stopped being goddesses and started being stalkers, bitter women who go through trash, check call I.D., read private txext messages... and even sometimes sit at the computer for hours trying to crack that e-mail password. Yes, that' s what we have become.
Well, i think it's time to heal, time to grab the hand of the girls we left behind, time to become the goddesses that we once were...it's time to smile again. This time round my bed is only weighed down by myself and my cute bear squishy...the scent is of sweet lavender and the only pain I feel is that of my neck hurting when I sleep too much. It's time to expect more from the men that we date and stop settling for less. So here I am waiting....waiting for a good brotha.
I'm not saying that it's all the brothas fault but what I wanna know is where the good brothers are. Those who will not dissapoint us, those who will exceed our expectations and leave us proud and smiling. Where is the brotha who will dare take me out on MONDAY NIGHT when the N.F. L. season is on or will give up one of his "boys" nights to hang out with me. Better yet, where are the brothers who will risk looking like a fool for love and even deeper... fall in love for real. Yeah, will the real brothas please stand up!! I think the sistas would love to see ure faces.

Sorority Life: I'M NOT A BITCH!!

2005-09-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

So the fall semester is finally here and damn it...it's going to be long. I barely have enough time to do anything anymore even though it's not like I did anything of importance when I was free. Let me head straight to my main reason for making a comback...I need to rant.
Last semester I decided to pledge a sorority,(I'll withhold the name for now) well maybe not really..my friend might have dragged me into it. It may not have been a good idea at the time but I've grown to like it.I've never been one to let anyone walk over me but I seriously braved hell week and the whole entire pledge period to join this sisterhood. For like two months I must admit I was someone's bitch and I did some pretty whacko things to get the freaking letters that I paste onto my chest almost every monday and wednesday.
A lot of people will never understand why anyone would want to be in a sorority or a frat for that matter but there are numerous benefits..aside from keg parties in the afternoons and almost X-rated after parties, there is a lot of pretty cool stuff we do. We raise money for charities, we do community service(mandatory) and we actually even promote academic excellence. A brother was hitting on me today and things were going pretty well until I removed my sweater and revealed my letters. I must have missed the arctic storm that passed because he immediately turn chiily. "Ure in a sorority..fuck...all y'all are just bitches...r u in ( insert sorority name here)... u think ure better than everyone else just coz u embrace greek life. Before I even had a chance to explain myself, the brother had walked away.
Next scenario, I walk into mt microbio class and some of the ladies sitting at the back also had a problem with me, "look at her, she thinks she's better than everyone else just because she is wearing freaking letters on her chest, they're all just bitches and ho's, everyone knows that." Again, they got me thinkin...what is the freakin problem??? Last time I checked, everyone is eligible to pledge whatever greek house they want to, why all of a sudden is it a problem if i do?
I know for a fact that sorority chics can be bitches,that there is a certain stereotypical image that goes with that whole thing. But seriously, we aren't all ho's , we all don't get dumb drunk and fuck the first dick that's in sight, we don't party all the time ....we actually even study, support philanthropies like prevent child abuse amearica..oh yeah, we even hang out with girl scouts and teach them cool stuff. I really don't even look like the regular "sorority girl" u would think of and none of my sisters do. We're all pretty different and that's why we embrace the whole sisterhood thing....so the next time ure ass is about to mouth off about some sorority bitch...think about it, and don't give us any more shit because we get it everyday.

It's been a while...

2005-08-07T22:41:00.000-04:00

Okay, so its been 4 ever since I blogged but hey, I've been out enjoying the summer... atleast what's left of it before school starts. I've read a couple of more books, watched like 1,000 movies and went on the hunt to find a wine that I like.I haven't yet but I finally compiled that acoustic Cd that has been on my mind since the beginning of this year and damn it...that's an achievement!
Yeah, another achievement...I'm in a relationship. Yes, my scared ass has finally landed in one..and I think I'm liking it. It's kind of weird (after a long, long, time) it feels like I'm having to learn things over again. I've even learnt to stop being selfish and to start compromising..oh yeah, and now I curse less...I think.
Oh..my boy Devoe..and his crew won the basketball tournament on Sato..congrats!!! sorry I couldn't be there but much love though.

I think that's it....peace.

tagged....

2005-07-21T17:47:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I've been a bit lazy with the blogging thing lately...well, I have nothing to write about so I thot I'd take a break and blog hop a bit. Y'all should know, I've been dishing out comments on many a blog lately.
My bumming season continues so until I get inspired again..see y'all later. But since I got that book tag I'll take a break from the cute repair guy ( my sink is leaking again..wink..wink..) and that sex on the beach of mine and put in something:

# Of books I own:
I really don't know...a lot. I dont even have room for them anymore.

Last Book I bought:
Falling Angels, tracy chevalier.

5 Books that mean a lot 2 U:

The old man and the sea: Earnest Hemingway. (reminds me of my dad)
Memories of midnight: Sidney Sheldon ( sucker for constatine demiris...read the book)
Master of the game: Sidney Sheldon. ( story about love, power, pain, hope...great!)
Angela's Ashes: Frank Mccourt. ( beautiful memoir, well written)
101 greatest love poems: American literacy project. ( I'm a sucker for love..)

Last Book(S) I read:
Matter of honor: Jeffrey Archer.
The midnight club: James Patterson.

I think that's it...

Love-O-Phobic...

2005-07-17T18:16:00.000-04:00

I was listening to my "mama Drama Cd" to day and happenned to be reminded of how I was in love once (or so I thought). It was all the story-book fantasies promised, that feeling at the pit of ure stomach, the song u hear on the radio that reminds u of that other person, endless phone-calls to the wee hours of the morning, the unexpected love notes in the middle of the day...the list is endless. It's funny how now that I think about it, I was the only one in love in the relationship, I was in love by myself and didn't even realize it until it was over.
The brother in question was in love with the concept of love, he wasn't there for the entire ride...he just wanted to get to the next stop. When he got to the next stop he had the nerve to tell me that he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and didn't know if he was going to make it. He fed me the cheezy line of " I can't stay because I want you to be happy...even if it's with someone else." Funny, this brother is still alive to this day...the incident happenned 2 yrs ago! After it was all over al I was left with was bad poetry, cheezy emails and poorly thought of gifts..and ofcourse the birth of my"mama drama"here is the playlist:

Hey ladies:Destiny's Child.
Give me one reason: Tracy Chapman
Guess what: Syleena Johnson
I'm out of love: anastacia
I will survive: Diana Ross
Me, myself and I: Beyonce
Not today: Mary J.
Strong enough: Cher
Son of a gun: Janet
Heard it all before: Sunshine Anderson
There you go: Pink
You had me: Joss Stone.

It was ugly, this used to be the soundtrack of my life,(it's not even funny) right after the sloppy cheezy songs like "I'm going down". The repercussions are still reverberating in my life to this day, they echo in my head and my existence..it's ridiculous. After ure heart is truly broken, u find it hard to trust anyone, and u never let ure guard down.
I happenned to have dinner with one of my boys last week and he swears that he will never get married (another victim of a broken heart) because he can't see himself saying "forever" and all that other stuff u vow to. The closest thing he want to marriage is a baby mama who has her own apartment and visits once in a while, he doesn't want to give another woman his 2nd name...at all.
I don't blame him, I too I'm afraid of commitment...the only contract I was ready to sign was that T-mobile thing for 2yrs and that's only because it had an expiration date. It's not my fault that everytime I hear the word commitment...I showcase a dissappearing act so good it will put osama to shame. I mean, I block numbers, block e-mails, take u off my buddy list and render myself unavailable.
Truth is, I'm tired of running...I'm currently backed into a corner by some guy whom I thought I would never let get that close. I keep trying to run but something keeps calling me back. I can't be in love again..can I? It's impossible , I promised myself to never fall in love again...it's Sunday but what the heck, that gin in my fridge is inviting...for those who are in love..I'll take a shot for you. For those who aren't ...I'll finish off the bottle.

Summer sexcapades...the horror of it all.

2005-07-12T22:59:00.000-04:00

If you are a college student as I am..you always look forward to summer. It's a time when you are free from all ure ugly professors, term papers, assignments, and all that other stuff u hate to do during the regular semester. It's a time when ure free to get drunk and screw and wake up at noon the next day (because u have to be at work at 2.00pm). Summer is a time when u let loose...atleast for me and most of my girls and it's the time for filling up ure river (that's been dry for the past three months)..the expreience could be great...that... is until u run into the wrong brother.
Yes, today I had the luxury of sipping saki with a couple of my friends at a late dinner where the confessions came pouring in...apparently baltimore has a slew of brothers whom are lacking a considerable amount of skills in the bedroom. I shall withhold the names but please, if u fall into any of these categories, it's time to call the sex-gods.

Mr. "Wet lips":

One of my girls decided that summer was the perfect time to look up that crush she's had for a while. They head out to dinner...the guy is smooth and everything goes well until the good-nite kiss. The brother squeezes her face with both his hands and the decides to apply his wet lips all over her face. I mean, the brother licked all her make-up off (even the foundation)..yep. that was the last time he saw her.

2. Mr. "Flipper the slipper":

How do I say this, if ure a guy and u know that ure "goodies"are aren't that large, don't be too over-ambitious. (And no..the ure very wet line doesn't cut it). If ure stuff keeps slipping out, I suggest u sit at home go back to the drawing board and calculate ure range of motion. Unfortunately there are some things that just can't be done without the right how shall I say it...equipment.

3. The "Nyama bite king":

This is the guy who feels the need to bite every part of ure body..not nibble...bite. One of my close friends refuses to have any man go down on her after she was butchered at the hands of one of these guys. Apparently he was down there and things were going fine until he sank his teeth into her clit...for three good mins. She yelled stop but he thought that she was playing..yep...three minutes ladies...my girl is still traumatised and yes, she passed out from the pain.ouch!!

5. The "ADHD" guy:

I've gone out with this one too. This is the guy who tries to do too much at the same time. He can't figure out what the hell he wants to star to with...the ass, the left titty, the right one..both of them..does he want to kiss..hug...basically..he's the dude who makes u feel like ure 14 all over again...it's sad.

6. The "karma sutra guy":

This is the guy we all hate. The brother has read the karma sutra from start to finish and decides that he is going to try all of the styles in ONE NIGHT...so basically ure horny ..never got around to actually having sex and by the end of the night ure pissed off and exhausted.

7. The "fumbler".

The name says it all...basically if u can't find ure way around a woman's body...TURN THE DAMN LIGHTS ON!!

8.The "U won't sit or walk straight for a week guy".

What can I say...they are those who are over-blessed. Please let a sista know in advance so she can weigh her options.

9.One minute man.

Yes, and my friend recently discovered the 30 second guy...she's still in shock.

10. The u just don't know guy.

This is the guy whose doing everything right but sleeping with him is like watching paint dry. U don't know what the deal is but u finally realize that ure ceiling needs a new coat of paint and u find that earring u've been looking for hanging on the ceiling fan..and for the rest of the time u lay there and wonder how it got there.

This post reminds me of a quote from sammy of sex and the city: (not the exact words..well..somehow-ish..)

"bad sex the first time..shame on you...bad sex the second time around..shame on me".

Ladies, let it end at "shame on you"...for my girls...thanks for dinner and I hope that it all gets better...love y'all...

To call or not to call?

2005-07-11T02:24:00.000-04:00

I knew I shouldn't have spent all Sunday in bed because now I'm so awake it's ridiculous. I've used all my song skips on yahoo so I'm stuck listening to some really weird music...yeah the kind that will make u pay for a year's subscription just to be able to forward this crap...but yes, I'm cheap..nitasikia tu.
Okay, so I hate to admit it...it's even kind of school-girlish but I've been waiting for a phone call for the past two days from this guy but a brother just isn't dialing. I'd like to think that I'm one of the liberated kind... I told myself I'd play it cool but this is crazy..I've checked my messages like 1000 times today..I've dialed his number like 6 times..but didn't let the call go through...it's a sad situation.
Now I'm stuck in between the should I call him or wait for him to call? I mean..is there some sort of guideline I should be following...see... this is when I know I'm too old for this crap...this is foolish...I'm going to sleep like other normal people out there.

peace.

Dance with my father...

2005-07-10T02:25:00.000-04:00

I guess this counts as one of the last posts from my vacation. Funny enough I never mentioned why I wanted to go to the beach in the first place...truth be told, I had my own selfish reasons.
Maybe I should start from the beginning. The first memeory I have of the beach is with my father. I mean, he was raised in Mombasa...he lived there all his life until college when he moved to nairobi. He was the type of guy who when growing up would wake up at four to go swimming with friends and cross the entire ferry line just for fun. The beach was always close to his heart. I remember the first time he took me there, I was six and I couldn't walk in the sand so he carried me close to the water and set me down to where the tiny waves could caress my feet. I remember the wind lapping accross my face and that salty taste in my mouth that I still can't stand. I can picture the smile on my father's face when he started to tell me the story of the "old man and the sea" by earnest hemmingway. He narrated it in the simplest of words so I could understand and to this day I hold the story dear.
The Old Man and the Sea is the story of an epic struggle between an old, seasoned fisherman and the greatest catch of his life. For eighty-four days, Santiago, an aged Cuban fisherman, has set out to sea and returned empty-handed. On the eighty-fifth day of his unlucky streak, Santiago sails his skiff far beyond the island’s shallow coastal waters venturing into the Gulf Stream. He prepares his lines and drops them. At noon, a big fish, which he knows is a marlin, takes the bait that Santiago has placed one hundred fathoms deep in the waters. The old man expertly hooks the fish, but he cannot pull it in. Instead, the fish begins to pull the boat. Santiago pulls the fish for three days, fighting with sharks and finally returns home with only it's skeleton attatched to his boat.
Although my father passed some eight odd years ago, this story reminds me of the lifelong lessons he struggled to teach me...the crazy thoughts that he tried to pass and the passion that he hoped I would take with me everyday of my life. he knew life was hard but I guess he just wanted to make the struggle easier.
I went to the beach to feel that connection with him...to re-live the past memories and to remind myself about the things that really matter in life. In the end, I came back with more than that...I bonded with friends, I learnt to compromise appreciate more those around me and even learnt a couple of those Mortal Kombat cheats.
I never really got the chance to have that one last dance with my father but I still have the memory of him carrying me into the air and dancing with me and my yellow bear bobo, and I guess that will have to do for now...so how do I end this..well with a quote:

"Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express". Joseph Addison

For those who went through this with me...I love u guys...ure my heart...to my father...I love you...ure terribly missed...and to my brother Bruce...when is the cable guy coming?

Strip Clubs and lap Dances...the other side.

2005-07-06T23:33:00.000-04:00

Lucky enough for me, my vacation did not end in Florida, I had the opportunity to hang out with my friends at the twin cities for another week. In the land where liquor stores close at ten (on good nights) and the "after hours' clubs are non-existent, most nights were spent either chilling or drinking (yes,we made sure that the jack and morgan was purchased at six everyday). However, on one of our boring nights, we decided to head to a strip club which is usually open till six in the morning. Read:we were too late to get into the club(after last call) and were too cheap to spend $10.00 to get in for nothing.
So, the strip club of choice: 418. There were four of us, actually five but the last guy was too drunk to be considered as a full person so I'll go with 41/4. My best friend Stella was with her better half Louis and I was with my "sweetie" not my boyfriend (brother still won't commit) so I'll stick to calling him that. We all check in looking fly,and find ourselves a spot like 1m away from the stage, rather my friends did that, I on the other hand was right next to the stage, I was keen on understanding what the fuss was all about.
Don't get me wrong, I've been to strip clubs before where I spent half the time shooting pool, half naked women rarely appeal to me unless ofcourse they are Angelina Jolie or something but that's it. So this time round, I armed myself with dollar bills and stared like the other male patrons next to me...I blended in so well, I could have passed for lesbian or bi-sexual.
So the first girl comes up and she basically can't dance so I give her a dollar, three of them pass by and I'm still not excited, the girls were so damn skinny it was like watching Paris Hilton strip...if u've watched one night in Paris, you know what I mean...nothing appealing there. So I turn around to talk to my sweetie and all of a sudden his eyes light up..I look on stage and it's this beautiful chunky white girl on stage and I'm like...Finally, some good stripping.
I was excited, Not because of the girl, but because my date was excited by her so I got to playing...I started throwing dollar bills on stage and as it turns out..I was the highest tipper so the girl comes up to me, stark naked, grabs both my hands and puts them on both her titties...my reaction, first I was going to freak out and let go but I was cool about it, yep...I rubbed those huge twins like a guy would...half the men in the strip club almost fell off their seats, my girlfriend almost choked on her drink and the look on my cutie's face....PRICELESS!!
This was getting good, so after her show, I told the girl I would love a lap dance while my sweetie watched. Louis agreed to pay for it and in 2 mins we were on our way upstairs to a private room. So after a little bit of chit chat, the show begins...the stripper sets me on a sofa while she's starts her routine on her cute little stage at the center of the room...my cutie is camped on the other side watching our every move.
The song starts...it's twisted...I'm thinking well..that's an okay song. I would have prefferred "touch it" by monifah but hey u don't always get what you want. The girl proceeds to jump on my lap...slowly takes her clothes of....turns around and does this ass clap...reaction: I smacked the ass...cutie on the other side...HUGE GRIN....
She turns around..lifts my skinny top...and licks my titties...my reaction...lesbianism is overrated..u always need the dick factor...cutie on the other side....DEFINITELY A TURN ON...
She starts grinding on me..my reaction...I start moaning(checking for cutie's reaction)..I have no words....the man was happy.
The rest of the show...can't be blogged about(read: my older brother skims through my blog from time to time).
What can I say, I can see why brothers would head to the strip clubs... the shows are definitely a turn on for them, for me..it was quite an experience...and yes...I'm still straight. I was glad I got to share the whole female lap dance thing with my cutie (babe it's the closest thing ull get to a threesome)..and hey...if ure ever out there..try it...there are some benefits...let's just say I went to victoria's secret semi-annual sale and I didn't even need the lingerie...all I needed was a small bottle of massage oil.

that's my piece.

Yes, I farted.

2005-07-05T21:20:00.000-04:00

I like to consider myself as together as they come, nonetheless I have gone through a bunch of embarassing moments in my lifetime and I'd like to think I've handled them as gracefully as they come. Not this time round...
A couple of weeks back, one of my friends kicked a girl out of his bed..in the middle of the night, I might add because she dared to scratch her ass in the middle of foreplay. One of her hands was securely held under his head and the other was fumbling woth his "goodies". In a split second she removed her hand from his goodies, scratched her ass and proceeded to mess around once more..only my friend couldn't fathom what she just did so he kicked her out...apparently it was a turn off.
Which brings me to my majorly embarrassing moment...the other day, right after my sweetie and I had messed around and were falling asleep, I let one out...yes, I farted. I don't know what happenned..it just slipped out, it was so loud it sounded like the bombs in hiroshima...so I know we both heard it, then with no warning another came out..and then a third. The last one was the worst, it sounded like a machine gun out of control...there I was, with nothing to say..shocked as hell. So I turn around to my sweetie who is laying on the other side of the bed...and he's just like "Oh No"...flips the stinky covers, takes the comforter off, grabs a sheet and goes back to sleep.
At this point I'm stuck in the "what to do" phase...I'm in the guy's turf..it's four in the morning... so I'm wondering whether or not I should run and sleep on the sofa or jump back into bed. I stood there for like 15 minutes loking at the guy sleeping...he still hadn't said anything...and I'm wondering if he was totally grossed out.
So I got tired of staring, slid my ass back into bed..way over on the other side. Less than 2 seconds later my sweeetie grabs my body and pushes me next to him and that was it.
Okay, why am I blogging about this, I guess I'm still wondering why we never had the "I farted" conversation. To this day, nothing has been said about it, I'm still wondering why this guy didn't kick my ass out or restrict me to the sofa. Guys fart all the time and I'm sure if he did, I wouldn't care...did he?
I wonder why a double standard exists between the sexes, I have a girl who deosn't take a shit until her man is out of the house, there are never any exceptions..even when she has diarrhea. On the other hand, my guy friends shit and fart anywhere..no restrictions whatsoever...what's the big deal? aren't girl's human too?

Well, I guess it's something to think about.
peace.

Luhya Vs. Jang'o

2005-07-05T20:29:00.000-04:00

Oh yes I did...this blog is for all those non-luo people who have sufferred at the hands of the nilotic descendants. I would like to think of myself as giriama because my father was... but since my mum is teso...people refuse to give me a break...so that's it..luhya or coasterian...this post is necessary.Not so long ago I was attacked-verbally by two of my close friends whom I'd like to refer as the "dark vader's" of the entire luo tribe, they come armed with scepter's, and dholuo quotes that only those frome the lake side can understand. I write this blog in fear of my life but I must say what has been held in tongue for so long...if I mysteriously dissappear..a jang'o did it.
So this is how it started, my friends and I were playing poker and I happenned to think that I won the hand...but I hadn't..one of the "defender's" jumps in and exclaims..."these luhya chics are turning into kikuyu's...watch this one..she's stealing from us. The defender then moves on to insult my chunky "luhya" legs in words that I cannot put in this blog lest there be another tribal clash back home. Now...I stood there in shock and awe, wondering what my luhya legs had to do with my bad poker skills...so I shot back.."atleast I'm not jang'o..I'd rather be luhya any day".
I might as well have chopped off the guys balls, the reaction I got was worse than I expected...everything got personal from that point on and the insults came flying in...from bad luhya names, ugly legs, bad habits, eating large amounts of ugali, talking while spitting to having names like shikwekwe. I was fuming by the end of the encounter but this is my chance to clap back...to the "dark vader''s" of Minneapolis...this one is for you...bado sijasahau...

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A JANG'O WHEN:

You claim that no seafood delicacy is better than Omena.
You have a cousin by the name of Millenium Otieno.
All your male cousins are called daddy.
You used to make your chapatis with blue band or still do.
You instisted on a flip-phone as your first ever cell phone so everyone would see you receive a call.
You own a blackberry, a side-kick and a cell phone (with two different lines on it) but still have dial up at home.
You believe that if you pay more for something it is of better quality.
The largest body of water you ever swam in is lake Victoria.
You still believe that the hyacinth was a conspiracy to kill the livelihood of your people.
You've been carried home from Kimwa Grand dead drunk by a boda-boda.
You refer to Kisumu as "the real city".
You swear you are related to Barrack Obama.
All your sentences end in "but do I say".
One of your car payments costs more than three months rent.
Your current credit card bill will take the next 15 years to pay off.
You hate being called a jang'o.
You think all other tribes should bow down to you..because ..well..ure you.
You think that someone should put a hit on my head right now.

That's my piece. Feel free to comment and yes, don't get offended..if you do...you must be a jang'o.

I'm Back...

2005-07-04T21:28:00.000-04:00

It's like two and a half weeks later and my ass is back in Baltimore. Sorry for not blogging...I WAS ON VACATION!! Yeah, my house is in a sad state, my brother and his girlfriend seem to have made a sad attempt at redecorating and cleaning I almost passed out when I walked through my door. However, I have since recovered from my near heart attack and realized that tomorrow is a new day...yes, talking about spring cleaning in the middle of summer..that's so sad...I envy those who can afford cleaning ladies.
So about that vacation...I have a couple of blogs about the whole experience so I'll be putting them up in little chunks as I remember the incidences, I still have a smile on my face...people can be hilarious.
FLORIDA....the six of us ended up going:Louis, Stella, Dan, Richard, Kevin and me. It took us a little over 18 hours to get to panama city in our cute van...and I didn't drive...unfortunately I'm the worst driver ever and my friends weren't even going to play that. So, Dan, Louis and Richard ended up driving...and that's why we got there like 12hrs early, none of them drive anywhere around the speed limit...and somehow I'm the bad driver.
OH yeah, I should say something about all of my friends:
Louis...really nice guy, he's so in love with my girl...it's soo cute. He kind of took over the whole trip and smoothened it out for everyone..the mediator. Half the arguments would have gone to Judge Judy or Jerry if it wasn't for this guy, It's a good thing we took him along.
Stella....my partner in crime. She is crazy as hell...and that's why I love her to death. She spent half the time arguing with Dan, and the other half cuddling with her booboo. It's amazing to see her face transform when her man walks through the room, it's like everything else fails to exist which is a good thing since I think she would have appeared on bad boys after smacking the shit out of Dan with a Play Station or something. Those two just didn't seem to get along.
Kevin..my boy to death. This kid is cool, he's like 17 or something but you can have some deep conversations with him...that I like. I think it's the kayah that he smoked every 5 mins or something, apparently the shit from cali sky-rockets u to confucius status or something...but if ure reading this, stick to studying...DON'T DO DRUGS!! unless they're free, that cali stuff is expensive.
Dan, I don't konw what to say, sometimes it was good, at times it was bad, it's nice that you came.
Richard...he's way too funny although I must admit we had our moments...I'll describe some of them later on but all in all he's cool.
That's it, I'm hungry...the trip was a blast..more on it later.

Day Two!!

2005-06-16T18:10:00.000-04:00

Finally I mustered the energy to wake up his morning. I spent the night on my best friend's bed chatting and remeniscing about the good old days...the funny thing about my girl...in the middle of the damn conversation trails off and starts talking about her own shit. She was sleep talking the entire time...it was sad.
So what have I done so far, well... I got myself the "jacky O" sunglasses that I wanted for this season...I finally found the nerve to splurge.Oh yeah, u remember those chapos..my damn back hurts from making so many..it's sad. About the people coming, three people have succeeded in backing out so six are left. Another sad thing: We are thinking of downgrading our ride of choice from an S.U.V to a van. Yes, we have officially been unpimped. I can see us now, rolling up in the party capital of miami..in a van trying to look cute...it's just not happening.
So we plan to have left Minneapolis by 9.00pm..but I'm thinking it's going to be midnite or even later. All this in two damn days and I've only had one cocktail from dinner yesterday.If you ask me, I should have been past a whole bottle by now...but we'll see...maybe day three will look better.

Peace.

Vacation Day One!

2005-06-15T16:43:00.000-04:00

So now I'm out of Baltimore, yeah..my long awaited vacation is here. I was goig to do a written journal on paper but i thought..what the heck. The world should know how it all goes for me and my crazy bunch...Kind of like Britney Spears and Kevin ..the real truth without all the white trashiness attatched...wait...we do suffer from what I would like to call the 'kenyanism syndrome" ..as full blooded Africans we can't help it.It's just a part of us.

The plan: To get to Panama City, Florida...The catch: we're going to be on the road for two days, The problem: not all of us get along, The sad part: we're all majorly broke. Sounds like a recipe or fun.

The crew:

Louis: The level-headed one amongst the crew..with just a hint of craziness.
Stella: Louis's better half..and my best friend.
Dan 1: Crazy as hell...don't know what to expect.
Dan 2: Also crazy, so sad...dont know how to describe him.
Richard: Chronic alcoholic...also damned crazy..we'll see.
Kevin: Don't know him that much.
Me: Yes, if u don't know me by now...READ MY DAMNED BLOG!!!

The rest of the crew hasn't been confirmed...so updates later.

Right now:

Half the people going on this trip are unpacked...we aren't sure what rentals we're taking..yes, the only thing we are sure of is that we're making chapos to take with us on the trip....remember the syndrome I was talking about...its started to creep up.

Oh yes, my girl Shannon..whom I'd like to call my suga mama is having her 21st b-day today. Yes, typical me to have a suga mama who is younger than me...well..that's life..I'm not apologizing..so well..shannon...Happy Birthday!!! much... much love.

To DEVOE....I"m still hunting for ure blog....I have my eyes on u...it's just a matter of time.

For the rest, more tomorrow....It'll be tragic....I promise.

Playgirl Mansion, Anyone?

2005-06-11T22:19:00.000-04:00

So I worked all day today and decided to visit my friend Edwin's house after I got off. I love going there to hang out with the boys when I can simply because it's very amusing to hear the kind of crap and non-crap that they come up with over there.
Today I walked in to find a heated debate over the legalizing of prostitution. Half of them were for it, and the other half needed convincing. Well, I won't get into this argument in particular but would much rather address the other issue they came up with. Edwin asked me if I was rendered a billionaire at this moment, with everything that I ever dreamed of or taken care of..my parents, family, freinds...what I would do with myself or rather how I would live.
That was easy for me, I responded by saying that I would be the femal version of Hugh Hefner..create a playgirl mansion...if that's what I could call it and live happily ever after. Everyone was shocked and yes, I was under attack....every reason was given from.."no man would ever do that", to "it's innappropriate for a woman"....Even to "it's down right immoral!".
Wait a minute..it's immoral? and what bout Hugh ...it's okay for a guy to do some of this stuff but when a girl does it...ure morality is in question. I personally would love to have a mansion with a couple of gigolo's running around half nakeed tending to my needs. Imagine having tyson beckford, jason lewis, jeremy piven and bruce willis look-alikes gracing your sight when you wake up every morning. And as for the sex, yes, I will keep a man especially for that too...and I ain't ashamed to say it...my personal boy toy..without batteries...who wouldn't love that.
In the world of fuck-buddies, one-night stands and bitter divorces, why can't I have a playgirl mansion...(Is there one btw?). I would love to spend my days in my jammies getting back-rubs mid afternoon from hot hotties from the world over. I don't know...can't a girl fantasize without being labelled a slut or a power hungry bitch...c'mon...anyone for the play-girl mansion say I...I!!!

Tagged...

2005-06-09T14:26:00.000-04:00

I'm back again...Let me start from the beginning....

I woke up this morning, tired as hell but I still gathered enough strength to go to the gyno for my annual and yes, shop for a swimsuit. If you are a woman, then u know how horrible it can be having someone check out your, what can I say "goodies". The procedure is just simply invasive but it still has to be done. So I braved the entire session and everything was cool, until my next expedition.

Oh yes, the swimsuit issue. For the past seven years, since High school, or rather ever since I can remember I've been going to the pool with this one swimsuit that I really, really like.Why? It's the only thing that my mum ever bought me that I fell in love with, the problem? All my friends hate it. My best friend stella calls it a multicolored balloon dress. I on the other hand like to call it visually- expressive. So this summer, the fashon police A.K.A. my close friends have declared my beloved swimsuit a fashion disaster and banned it from the beach. Does this include my pink overalls?

So today, I reluctantly scoured the mall for over two hours, I might add, to find myself a swimsuit. I checked everywhere, even water water everywhere. (worst swimsuit store ever..I hate it) I didn't like anything I saw...it was sad. I couldn't back out though because of the stern instructions I got the night before from my friend were still fresh in my mind. "get yourself a swimsuit or else...". I hate shopping for swimsuits, it's kind of like trying to find a date to take to a wedding... The ones that I like don't own any formal wear and the ones that I don't like have pretty good ones..only their personalities suck. So I ended up at Nordstrom's and finally found something that I liked...what I didn't like was that I had to pay out of my ass for it... because as usual, I'm broke; and Nordstrom can be expensive. And yes stella, the swimsuit is blue...I'm sorry....Blue is...and will remain my favorite color. So today, I painfully lay to rest my beloved swimsuit that I adored so much, I will remember forever the times that we shared together and I promise to always look at the pictures we took together. I mourn our separation and I tell you this...although we cannot be together, we will never, ever, be apart.

On to other things...Mshairi tagged me today and asked a couple of questions...so here I go:

# Total number of films you own on DVD and video
I've watched so many movies but I only have 4 on DVD: The interpreter(bootleg from my friend in NJ), City of angels, The patriot, Trial and Error (some crappy movie I got when I ordered pizza.) And yes, I'm cheap.

# The last film you watched
Crash...next up...Mr. and Mrs. Smith (watch both of them if you can).

# Five films you watch a lot, or that mean a lot to you ..I have more than five...The list is endless.

City of angels...(I'm in love with Iris).
25th Hour...I don't know why..It's just simple.
Mystic River...reminds me of how life can be a bitch.
21 Grams....Good movie, the cating is superb.
Gladiator...Russel is so cute...
Sex and the City DVD's...I'm addicted, I'm such and S.J.P groupie.
House of Sand and fog.
The patriot....mel Gibson has the best eyes, when he cries..I cry too.
Braveheart...naturally.
Cry Freedom.
Sarafina...I just like it.
Closer...love..Oh love.
Young Adam....The best sex scenes ever.
Training day...who didn't like Denzel in this one?

# Tag five people and have them put this in their journal

Is there tagging etiquette? Do you just tag anyone? Do people get pissed off when you tag them?

I think I have to work now, my boss has figured out that I'm not exchanging Im's with my grandmother in the village somewhere at the back of Mt. Kenya.

peace,
shi.

Hick-Hop??

2005-06-05T03:21:00.000-04:00

I will never forget the first time I heard a tupac song. It was from this tape that was going around my neighborhood when I was around eleven,I was mesmerized by his words. The guy could rhyme and to this day, I still believe Tupac was the greatest rapper of all time. Not just because he was a lyricist, he was a poet. I mean, for every phase in my life that I went through from 12 to 19, there was a tupac song that could have been the soundtrack.
When I hear the words hip-hop, that's who I relate them to, Tupac,Biggie, Warren-G, Snoop, nate Dogg, Dr.Dre,Epmd, Wu tang, Lords of the underground, Mos-def, The lox, Onyx,Mc Lyte, Lady of Rage,..the list is endless. They were the reflection of true hip-hop. I still remember the lyrics all too well, chanting along as I made my way to the city in an overstuffed matatu...

Tell me Lord can ya feel me, show a sign

Damn near running outta time,

everybody's dyin

Mama raised a hellrazor,

can't figure

Why you let the police beat down niggaz

I'm startin to think all the rich in the world is safe

While the po' babies restin in the early graves

God come save the youth

Ain't nothin else to do but have faith in you

Dear Lord I live the life of a Thug,

hope you understand

Forgive me for my mistakes,

I gotta play my hand

...the scenes still put a smile on my face. Who could forget waiting to see the videos on rap-em and braving the long rides to gikomba to get the lates baggy jeans, checked shirts and bandanas, those were the days I fell in love with hip-hop and to this day I would still like to believe that somehow hip-hop is still a part of me.
Recently, I stumbled upon a disturbing song "sweet home country grammar", the recent addition to hick-hop, and yes you may have heard of it's pioneer- he goes by the name of cowboy troy. I don't know what possessed a 6ft black man with a degree in psychology to come up with such extensive bullshit.
I'm all for expanding the world of hip-hop but mixing it with country is taking it too far.Tupac and all the other true pioneers of hip-hop must be turning in their graves. I must admit,I barely listen to rap any more because most of the artistes out ther are mediocre at best and can only come up with poppy club anthems. I can live with the poppy anthems, but not with the crappy lines with the banjo playing in the background that this guy is dishing out. "I'm big and black, clickety-clack, I play chicken with the train", what?! I couldn't ven finish the rest of the line, it just felt too ridiculous.
How did this happen, I mean is there no respect for self? For true music? For hip-hop? The situation is getting worse and worse, I shudder to think what will happen next. So far, the true hicks in the south, that is, the true country fans are cursing every black man out there since the unveiling of our new "rap star". Apparently country is too pure to be eroded by the black man.
I know that there are those of you who do like country and a vast range of music. I have no problem with the fusion of hip-hop with other genres , Jay-z and Linkin park did a pretty good job. I know that hip hop has become more and more "money-minded" but I still think that some of it's aspects should be left pure. Just like water and oil don't mix, neither do hip-hop and country. Let's all just let it go, erase it from our minds and forget it ever happenned. Down with hick-hop!!!

Crash Into Me...

2005-06-05T02:42:00.000-04:00

I'm back again, after promising myself to blog everyday (which I evidently didn't do) I found out it could be a strenous task trying to figure out what to put up after my last blog.I must say I'm excited to be part of the Kenyan blogs, it's a beautiful experience just going through everyone's thoughts and the cute reminders of home. I'm honored.
So today I went to watch the new movie crash with my boy Edwin who had to foot the bill since my ass is still broke(always is). I loved it, it's on my top five list of movies right up there next to mystic river, and 25th hour. The sequence of the movie was flawless, the content so intimate, I almost shed a tear.It was so simple and so complex at the same time, you could feel it's essence, in it's entirety gently seeping into you. The producer toutched on so many aspects of the character's lives but at the same time joined them together to create this story that anyone could relate to: white ,black, latino, rich, poor, it was all there.
The movie I must say brought me back to look at my own life or let me say appreciate it more.
I realize that there are so many things and so many people I take for granted, it's shameful even almost sad.It feels like I'm always in a hurry to go somewhere and never really take the time out to feel life. I've missed out on a lot; all because I was too busy worried about tommorrow or whatever it is that will happen next.
I guess it took a movie to remind me of the more important things in life like family, friendship and just life itself. I can't remeber the last time I took time out to check on friends, hang out and just enjoy being in their company or the last time I felt ecstatic about something I did for someone. Nope, lately it's been all about me and my needs..I guess that's what's been making me so angry lately. I could only see myself and not those around me.Hmm... I think it's time I stopped holding back , stretched out my hands and just let life crash into me, it feels good to just let go.

Fat chic??

2005-05-31T19:25:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I know I said I would try and blog everyday but hey, I'm not perfect. Plus, I deserve to be lazy, atleast for two days straight. I went blog-hopping today and realized that I'm really full of shit, why, because people are out there talking about stuff that matters. I kind of felt like a dumb blonde all of a sudden. I must say I was a bit intimidated by all the other bloggers out there but what the heck, I'm still here, even if I have a whole lot of nothing to say,it's still refreshing to blog.
Okay, on to this fat chic issue that I feel should be brave enough to finally address.The other day this guy came up to me and asked for my number, he was nice and all but still I could never date him.Why? I just couldn't see it happening, he wasn't my type plus I had my eyes set on someone else. I explained the whole thing to the brother and this is how he responds: "You don't think I can take it, I like fat chics, go ahead and give me your number and I'll show you what I can do."
I stood there and almost blew up,but I didn't I just turned and walked away. That's not the first time that a man has approached me and said those exact same words.It happens everywhere...and i'm just about fed up with the whole fat chic line. It's like I have this sign I'm carrying around, "HELLO FAT CHIC HERE, LOOKING FOR SOME LAZY ASS TO FUCK".
Let it be said, that fat chics should also be seen as women, scratch that, REAL women. I mean, just because a skinny woman rejected your ass it doesn't mean that for a fat woman, you are all that. It's funny, people think that the "fat chics" are somewhat on a lower level than everyone else in the society, right next to the short guy that no one will date; everyone seems to think that we have no standards, well I have news for you guys out there-yes, we do.
Oh yeah,that goes for the women too. Sisters are foul when it comes to men. It's not even funny. I overheard this one girl at the mall talking about her best friend sying that her best friend's fat ass offers no competition in the men's department, apparently no brother will want to hit that. Isn't that something, the same line from somone who looked like they needed to get in line at the soup kitchen next door because her ass was so boney it could be used as a lethal weapon.
I've never been one to dwell on my size, I'm used to how I look but it's when I get around some ignorant people that I second guess myself. I have no problem with being called fat, call it what you want (big-boned, blessed, chunky) but just give me the respect I deserve.
I guess this post isn't just for the "big-boned" or chunky, it's for those who feel like society won't give them a chance. It's summer and everyone's busy worried about their chest, their calves, their arms, their hair..I say enough is enough. Enjoy the damn weather, get drunk and make some crazy memories. For the asses (my poor close friends) that I'm going to hang out with in Florida, the countdown begins..can't wait to see y'all.

PS:Check this out: campaignforrealbeauty.com

Day two...

2005-05-29T23:38:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to be consistent with this whole blogging thing so I'm back again today. It's hot as hell up here but I'm too lazy to go downstairs and turn on the AC.Yeah, I'm in official bum mode, plus I've had a couple of cocktails already so I know if I go down there, I'm not coming back up.
Yesterday I was going on and on about sexiness so today guess what..I'm ready to talk about love. I know, everytime I start to write about it, I get all bitter and stuff...Today, I'm kind of happy so I'll try to keep off the anger.
Love, I don't know how to describe it, I used to be able to but now it feels like all the words that I used to encompass all it had before are all meaningless.
Let me start from the beginning. I guess that would be when I was a little girl (this is cheezy but hey..my blog). I always thought that everyone had that one love in their life, that at a certain point, they would meet, fall deeply in love, get married and live happily ever after. What no one ever explained to me was that love gets a little bit more more complicated than that.
I like to call these certain complications the "hiccups" of love. Those moments when love shocks you in such a negative way there's nothing to do but breath and just let it all out. Those are the moments that to this day, scare the crap out of me.(if uve ever been in love u know what I mean).
I envy those who are in love, and at the same time I don't because love equals the potential for hurt and I think I'm at a point where I don't want to be hurt anymore so I choose to not put myself in that position.A friend of mine asked me a simple question the other day that I still have no answer for. Why is love never enough? Shouldn't true love be enough?
I don't know, should it be? Is there a certain combination of things that should be in a relationship to make it work? I guess this is my thing, if you love someone shouldn't there be an automatic trust, no cheating, no games and all that other stuff. Isn't there some sort of unwritten law/vow between those that are in love? Honestly, I don't know so I didn't dare tell my friend that I did,and here I am, asking the same questions I have blog after blog, hmm...I would think by know I would have gotten an answer.
I don't want to seem like an anti crusader for love, I still actually believe in it. I'm smitten by the thought of it, it's the best feeling in the world, one minute you are ecstatic and the next so deep in a tragic abyss of sadness it becomes ironic. The truth is love is like a drug you can never get enough of, one you've had a taste of it, you can't let go.
So here I am, sipping on another cocktail, wating for another tragedy to happen. It's no secret, I wear my heart on my sleeve and the beauty of that is I have swam in every experience, tended to every scar and dried every tear. It's beautiful, isn't it, I'm here... I'm ready to love.

Sexiness??

2005-05-29T02:13:00.000-04:00

It’s two in the morning, Memorial Day weekend, and the first I’ve spent at home. I like it, I love it… I enjoy the silence and the tangy taste of my home-made cocktail. I’ve been craving this moment since the beginning of the week and now that it’s finally here, I’m not so sure about what I am going to do.
In the past month, I have been to my brother’s graduation, gone through finals and shifted my entire perspective on life…again. I have broken down and come together in such simple complexity...a poet would be proud. And after all that, here I am, with everything and nothing to write about, staring into the screen, wondering about what is to come next.
Ah! yes, I have to talk about an article I read today in a vintage, well just maybe Old, In Style magazine. A photographer (don’t remember his name) was reminiscing on all the beautiful portraits that he had taken over the years. His most important statement, “a woman is most beautiful when she realizes that she is sexy, that moment itself is the best portrait in the world.” What can I say, the man is right. It might be the effects of the summer heat (it’s been known to drive me crazy) but I think he is absolutely right. I have to add though, that there is a certain sexiness and beauty that comes with age, it can’t be replaced. A fortnight ago, my mum waltzed into town and I couldn’t help but think that I would love to age like her. She looked great, timeless and so graceful, I envied her. It’s funny because at the same time, she did me. Insistent that I had youth and beauty on my side, she urged me not to worry about aged beauty, in time it would come.
[I have no idea where this is going but I must write, if only to complete this blog.]
More on sexiness, I heard this Norah Jones’s song. I choose to call it the stripper song, well, because it is. I can’t imagine a song that made me feel sexier than this one. The way she softly belts out her feelings for the man she is talking about is just simply striking. You hear her and at the same time you imagine what it would be like to be in the same situation, yearning for love, craving for sex, wanting to touch… but being held back by emotions that are not too clear.
My emotions tonight seem not to be clear either, which is why my thoughts are all over the place because I’m either too scared or too stupid to face my feelings. I can’t believe it; I think I’m falling in love again….
Well, more on that some other time…

Here is the song:

Lines on your face don't bother me
Down in my chair when you dance over me
I can't help myself
I've got to see you again

Late in the night when I'm all alone
And I look at the clock and I know you're not home
I can't help myself
I've got to see you again
I could almost go there
Just to watch you be seen
I could almost go there
Just to live in a dream

But no I won't go for any of those things
To not touch your skin is not why I sing
I can't help myself
I've got to see you again

I could almost go there
Just to watch you be seen
I could almost go there
Just to live in a dream

No I won't go to share you with them
But oh even though I know where
you've been
I can't help myself
I've got to see you again

Listen to the song…ure guaranteed to love it…

Peace…

Where I am...

2005-05-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

It’s another Friday morning and I’m stuck in the library until my Lab which is 2 hours away. I know it’s been a while since my last blog but hey-I’ve been busy. First off I’m still trying to come up with tactics (at the last minute) to save my poor G.P.A. that will be jacked up in all sorts of ways after the end of this semester. Let it be said that I did my best but apparently, not enough. Isn’t that just part of life as a junior. My days are exhausting, my upper level classes are kicking my ass and I can’t seem to maintain a 3.9. That is the story of my life.
Either way, I take it upon myself to learn a new thing each day and to experience the better things in life. This year I promised myself that things would be better and yes, they have been. I have cried less, and smiled more, I have this fresh feeling inside me and I’m at a point where I feel that I’ve matured to another level. I even dress different now, I’m more comfortable in my skin, I love who I am. I’m confident.
On to other things, writing. I wrote a poem yesterday, I haven’t written in a while and it took me 2 days to complete this one. The poem was for a close friend of mine whom I hold very dear. I hate being cute which is why it took me forever to explain why I wrote it. Inspiration I guess…he loved it. I’m not so sure if he said that to be nice or that he did actually like it…I can’t read minds, plus I stopped trying. I distinctively remember how that always got me into trouble.
Hmm…a look into the past. My ex-boyfriend called me a couple of weeks back. I don’t know what to say, or what to feel anymore about this guy. Every time I hear his voice its like I’m taken back to a place that I’d rather not be. I’m reminded of that No Doubt song…Don’t Speak. Yeah, the one she sang when the guy she was with left her after 7 years or something. It makes me wonder…why do men do that? Just up and leave with no decent explanation. And it always gets me too, I always keep wondering what was so jacked up about me that this person would leave just like that. I remember the lies all too well, I remember hating this person with all that was inside me and I remember loving them at the same time with the same tenacity. Which brings me to this..what the hell I’m I doing talking to this person. Usually I swear off my ex-s like black olives, I know I don’t like them but once in a while I take a taste and they still leave a bitter taste in my mouth..Yeah..the same reaction every time. So what’s the point of all this…to remind me of what it was like..and why I’m never going back to that again.
Back to the present, good things. Today I’m headed to collect change for the Sigma Chi Fraternity on campus. They’re having “penny wars” going on all day today and the sorority that collects the most change wins. I like it, it will give me time to hang out with some of my sisters and meet some of the guys, besides I have nothing better to do.
I’m headed off to Mississippi next weekend which should be interesting. My mum will be here next Thursday so I’m really looking forward to next week. The weather is supposed to be really nice to, yeah, time to break out the flip flops..whoo..hooo!!
Okay, that’s my piece…atleast for now.
PS: Everyone who wanted me to write about sex on my blog, I’m not yet bold enough..give me time.Oh yeah, go get the new Mariah Cd,esp. Betty,my new favorite SonG: ( and no stella, i'm not going bac to my ex)

"We Belong Together"

I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself

'Cause I didn't know you
'Cause I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby

[Chorus:]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
We belong together

I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby

[Chorus]

[Repeat chorus]
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
There ain't nobody better
We belong together

Friday...

2005-04-15T16:04:00.000-04:00

So I didn't go to class this morning. Why..I was too tired to get up and go and do the whole chemistry and physics thing. Yeah, i got up at 11.00 and headed to my chemistry lab, which got out early and ..yes, I heave time to blog.

So, the sorority thing is going very well. Today I have to go through 3rd degree, I really don't know what it's all about but tomorrow I get initiated. Yes, after 3 months of all this hard work, I'm going to be able to wear letters after tomorrow,I'm so proud of myself. Oh yeah, I found out who my big sis is..finally. Her name is Erin, and she's cool. I can see us having fun while hanging out.

On to other things, my relationship is going well, I finally stopped expecting too much of this guy so I guess I'm at a better place. I can't force anyone to be what they are not, so I catapulted myself into reality and here I am, chilled out and waiting to see what happens next. I just don't want to be waiting to long..damn...this brotha has got to make moves.

About my Florida trip. My, I really don't know what is going to happen. I need to get my stuff together. First off, I have no summer clothes, I need a new bathing suit and I need a bunch of other stuff that I haven't gotten around to getting. This is definitely me losing it...so I definitely need to make time for this.

I have a formal coming up next week, and I finally found a decent date. My friend Danie can't come so I'm taking my friend Eric with me. He's cool, we get along, HE HAS A SUIT..so basically atleast I'll have a decent looking date.

Family-wise...my mum will be in town in less than a month, I 'm kind of excited, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see how things go.

Okay, I have to run and grab something to eat before I go crazy.I'll blog some more later.

This is me...enjoying Friday..I love it...plus I have cute shoes on...

I sit away...

2005-04-08T23:19:00.000-04:00

This week has been full of bitter-sweet emotions. I've gone through it all and yes, i'm still here, stronger than ever, looking t take on what's coming my way. I have somehow regained my confidence, and this time round I feel stronger, more powerful and even sexier.

The past couple of weeks have been weird, unwelcoming, uncomfortable... I had been second guessing myself, wondering why I didn't feel good eough to do some of the things that I wanted to do and why things didn't seem fit at all.

I can't say I found the reason, but I can say this: I looked into the mirror and accepted what it was that I saw, I had to take my own advice and stare at myself, mmaybe even 'check" myself into reality. There I was, me, rough and raw, jacked up toes and everything, the experience was breathtaking.

Neitherr have I claimed to be the most beautiful person in the world and nor have I claimed that I was the most perfect.On that day,in a long time, I saw perfection. i smiled, I turned around in front of the mirror and I basked in whatever glory that made me smile that night. I picked at my tiny nose, I rubbed my big belly, I massaged my breasts and I loved it. I realized that I was doing everything the wrong way around, the wrong things were making me unhappy and the things that should have made me happy were staring me right in the face.

When I was about eighteen and had just lost one of my boyfriends, wounded with a broken heart. My mum told me that it was my duty love myself before I ever let anyone love me. I never fully understood what she said until my time in front of the mirror this week. Love begins only from within, and until you find it within yourself, you can never give it to anyone else.

So here I am, sipping on a decent cup of chai, staring, wondering and loving who I am.

Survival.

2005-03-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

It took everything for me to get up this morning. Personally I think that the sun came up too soon and the light from my bedroom window messed up my last 15 min of sleep. Needless to say, I was still late to class despite waking up 15 minutes early. I am amazed at my ability to do the impossible.

Yes, My dreaded Genetics class was today, It wasn't half as bad as I thought. I thought that when I got my exam grade back, I was going to suffer through another bad case of anxiety(mildly put) but due to divine intervention, it went pretty well. I have found new strength in my academics, I have actually been motivated to study.

So now I'm stuck in the basement lab at the library finishing off my chemistry report. Well, maybe not, I seem to be missing a graph which is probably at home. I guess I'll finish it off tomorrow or If I'm greatly inspired..tonight.

The rest of the day looks sort of promising. OOh..I have a physics lab, How exciting. I'm trying to be positive but I doubt that will work in the next couple of hours. I still have to brave the rain after that and head to work...hopefully I'll get a chance to finish off my sidney sheldon if its slow.

Well, ill be back for an update. I have to run and grab some breakfast before I pass out. Life doesn't get any better than this...or does it? someone just shoot me.

Round About Ways...

2005-03-28T18:20:00.001-05:00

So I'm aking a break from my four hour study marathon of chemistry. I'm very proud of myself, I finally understand what my professor was talking about all those deary mornings I was trying to catch up on sleep at the back of the lecture hall. I'm very..very..impressed..I can actually study!!

Oh well, so my spring break is over, someone kept reminding me yesterday. Now I realise that I need a break from spring break which is funny because I ended up working all week. I can't wait for the check though, Ill be loving it.

Okay, this is my moment of truth. Yes, yes, my love life in review. These are the stakes.

My ex-boyfriend almost made a come-back last week. Oh my God, I still can't believe it, we had this long talk about our relationship and it lasted like 5hrs or something...it was long. Funny how the wrong words remind you of why you broke up with ure ex in the first place. Needless to say, at the end, it all came out, again...the bitterness and anger that reminded me how deeply I dislike this guy and that no matter how hard I try, this relationship will never happen. Yes, I know..it's really over.

My next "potential" man, just popped up from nowhere like two weeks ago. He decided that it was time to let me know (after 2 years of being friends)how he really felt. Now this shit if funny, because I know that this guy is not really my type but he's a nice guy...I just don't know. he's the kind of guy that you I can be with and be happy but I'll still know that he isn't the one for me. In the end I'll keep telling myself that I need a better man. Don't know what to do with this guy.

Brother #3 is cute, very cute. We were childhood friends that never really got the chance to get together. The man is dreamy, a gentleman, has a career, destined to make it, someone you would like on your arm. The only problem is I think he just wants to fulfill a childhood fantasy, I'm not sure if what he wants is sexual or something more..The best bet would be to ask him but he's never really clear about anything.

The last dude is hot,by any standards..especially mine. He makes me laugh, he's considerate (sometimes) and he makes me feel special..occassionally, which is always nice. We can talk for hours and yeah, we have pretty decent conversations...the problem...Like any other man, the brother refuses to commit. Its kind of like that Pink song. You can end up waiting for a brother to make a commitment only he doesn't and as soon as u leave him, he's knocking on someone else's door.

Okay, so there it is. I'm back to the same place I started. Talking to four different men but still single, who would have thought I would be able to pull this off. Yeah, I must still be stuck in my round about ways...

My silver lining.

2005-03-24T22:42:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day, I rarely get to do the things I love all on the same day, it's weird that it worked out that way. This morning, my brother did what he does best ..he woke me up early giving me enough time to exchange text messages with my mum and watch the sun rise.I love talking to my mum..indirectly ...because she says the sweetest things in shorthand sms lingo that I love to keep saved in my inbox. Things like "i luv u...u will alwys b my wonderful baby..happy easter"...hmm..

After all that I headed to work where funny enough, a whole bunch of people came into the cafe, not because they wanted a cup of coffee, but because they wanted to see me and just say hi. I love my job, I think that's why I keep doing it every day, the people are wonderful (with the occassional bad customer) but it's just nice to chat and talk to everyone when they come in for their books or their caffeine fix. I get to meet new people everyday, and if i'm lucky enough, I make good friends. I also get time to skim through the latest magazines and stare at cute shoes for hours on end. I have developed a liking for vogue, harpers bazaar and In style...it's my connection to the world after losing my cable...

So after work, I had about an hour or so to spare...I did one of my most favorite things in the world, I snuck into the kids corner of barnes and noble (no one is ever there after 8pm) armed with a bunch of poetry books and read some modern day works of art. I must say that there are some skilled people out there, some of them felt like kindred souls that I connected with sometime in the past (sounds crazy) but I swear that some of the poems I read, I might as well have wrote. It was amazing...i loved it.

Well, here I am, in my badly lighted bedroom, with clothes on every corner adorned with a stained t-shirt. I feel better today, somehow I feel like I can take what comes my way without breaking anymore, finally, I stopped crying long enough to open my eyes ...and there it was "my silver lining". I still can't put my finger on what exactly it was that made me see it, when I figure it out...I'll blog.

happy easter all...

Beauty in the Breakdown...

2005-03-21T12:51:00.002-05:00

Its funny, everytime i'm sitting here and writing it's always because time seems to have stood still and there's no one left around to talk to. This week, I feel that have turned hostile and unacommodating to both friends and family. I'm an inch closer to losing it and I fear that this time round, I won't be able to pick up the pieces because I'm so tired of starting over and losing.

For the past month or so, I have succeeded in failing two major exams, rushed and pledged a sorority, scared the shit out of this one guy I like and tried the south beach diet twice. My remedy for the whole situation was to study harder for the next two exams, which worked, take time on the whole sorority thing...don't know yet and I still don't know about they guy and the diet either.

So now I'm on spring break, spending my day (so far) wondering what the hell is going to happen next. It feels like I'm trying to look into the future and there's nothing there, I'm consumed with this numbness that doesn't let me experience the good things in life...I've become indifferent to the things that used to make me happy.

As I stare at this screen I'm reminded of half the people who think that I'm so lucky to be where I am and all of that cushiony stuff that's supposed to make me feel better ..oh yeah..the other half thinks that I am their jacked up measuring scale that they always have to compare me with to make themselves feel better. Isn't that ironic? Everyone claims they want to be different but still..they end up being the same..always yearning for acceptance and recognition to validate who they are.

This post doesn't seem to make any sense but I'll keep going because it's good therapy, the sun just came out and it looks beautiful..the first thing i've smiled about today.

Oh, who am I kidding,this blog isn't about being unhappy, it's about just being scared..and so far I'm scared shitless about a whole lot of things that don't seem to matter to a whole lot of people but they matter to me.

First off, I'm scared of July. I've always heated this month because my dad passed away on the 21st, and everytime this stupid month goes by..something always goes totally wrong. Another thing is that I always feel like somehow he's looking down and he's so dissappointed about what I've become...

The list is endless, what if I don't graduate?, what if I don't get into grad school?, what I'm I going to do with my life?....It's always I'm I ready for this or that or another.

I know I can't live life being scared of everything around me,somehow this time around I feel like even just trying is making me nervous. I've tried and lost so many times, I can't seem to let go of the bad experiences.

I just discovered this song by frou frou..let go. Well, I guess this is my letting go...seeing the beauty in the breakdown.I just hope that while I'm down there, there's something that will let me see the beauty in getting up again.

Let Go: Frou Frou

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Downtime...

2005-02-18T11:07:00.000-05:00

Okay, I just got out of my physica class and it turns out I'm not so dumb after all. I got a B on my exam. Not too impressive, but it's a start. I still hace a genetics and chemistry exam next week but hey..I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

It's Friday and I'm here sitting at the library doodling so time can fly..I need to go for this damn afternoon lab and then head home for a nap. Truth is, I won't even get to do that. I have to go home and cook for a baby shower (taking place tomorrow afternoon) and then get up by at six thirty saturday morning to go to work. I'm exhausted and freaking miserable.I desparately trying to get out and watch Constantine today but I can't do it. I have to clear up my bedroom..which looks pretty bad right now. I have things moving in opposite directions .... and I'm trying to get on top of it....Yes, I'm going to buy myself a much needed planner. Funny how I havn't gotten one yet and it's almost march. I always get a new one every year..i just didn't do it this time..and yes..I'm regretting the mistake.

So my mum will be here in May, I'm dreading the day already. Sure I love my mum but we have a maximum tolerance time of 72hrs...after that,everything blows up and its all downhill from there. Which is why I'm thanking my lucky stars that she is taking my brother with her to mississippi. I love downtime..so I'm very anxious about it. That weekend I just hope to get away..rent movies, turn all my phones off...light candles...get carl thomas..usher and johnny going and relax....I need it..desparately.

Oh yeah..I'm proud of myself..I recently ventured into the world of pink. Yesterday I purchased a pink top to match my cute skirt that I'll be wearing to the Kappa Delta semi-formal tomorrow. I like the whole ghetup..I even got some chandelier earrings to match..pretty cute.The only problem is that I'll have this tired look on my face...the effects of surviving on 3-4 hrs of sleep everyday...its tragic.

About writing....I dream about doing it. So I'm just going to start putting some more work on my portfolio and see where that goes. I'm also thinking of getting into a couple more poetry competitions this year, especially over the summer and try to discover some new things about myself.

Okay, that's it..I'm headed to the union to grab a bite to eat...I'm hungry...I can hear it...my tummy keeps making funny noises and the guy next to me is giving me that weird look...

Just before I leave, here's the poem of the day, by pac, something to think about...I love it:

I've Seen Your Soul Before
There are things we cant explain So we usually tend to ignore
The unpleasant side to the human race Like poverty and war
Its deja vu when i cry, When i see you i realize it even more
I know your heart like i know mine
Because ive seen your soul before

I recognize your tear drops And the clouds inside your head
I related to your sorrow And every word you said
The creator to so many things We never realize what for
Now i know why i met you...
Because ive seen your soul before

The space between your heart and your mind Is sometimes called the soul
The personification to you morals And your emotional control
Stronger than the human spirit...The human soul
you cant ignore Faster than your thoughts..
Because ive seen your soul before.

Yeah..think about it.

Update..Update...

2005-02-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

Hmm...I'm still in shock. I just got out of my physics exam and I still can't believe it, maybe I should start attending more classes. I guess I just have to wait for the grade to see the disastrous results.

Okay, so what has been happenning. Bad News!!! I HAVE NO DIGITAL CABLE...yeah it took me over a week to stop whining about that whole situation but my brother is standing his ground, he's not paying over a hundred dollars a month for digital cable so I'm stuck watching regular TV. Needless to say, I much more entertained on the internet (switched to verizon DSL..bruce still has beef with comcast cable). The service is okay so I spend most of my time staring at the screen google-ing stuff.

Another occurence I survived..Valentine's Day.I actually had a pretty decent one, my own brother got me flowers and candy which was pretty cool.However, I really wanted the 3 doors down cd, which I was hoping to get but no one remembered. That's aiight though, maybe ill get it sometime.

Money matters...I'm terribly broke, after books, and credit card debt, I think I have like 30.00 to my name, and it doesn't help that I'm not working thath mich because of school...I guess something had to be sacrificed.

Oh yes, what everyone is nagging about..I'm trying to get into a sorority. Yeah, words I thought would never come from me. But truth is, I'm trying to be a Kappa Delta girl. I went for their open house and their first pary and loved it.Their philanthropies are adorable plus the girls themselves are cool too, they are people I could hang out with ..so I'm just hoping to get a bid.

Yes, I am a summer freak and so this year I'm trying to get my friends to go to Florida which is awesome. Panam City looks great. I know for a fact..after all the classes I'm taking and after my mum beinag here, I'll definitely need that vacation..I hope it works out. It will be kind of cool to go on a road trip.

My love life...I'm not sure...I can't quite make out what's going on with this guy i'm always talking to so it's kind of weird. This is funny because I usually rely on instincts which are pretty good half the time but this time round, I have no idea. I mean really, have no idea. It's kind of like waiting for someone to say something and then it doesn't happen but they get you when they say something totally different that's even better than what you were hoping for. I know that this paragraph doesn't make any sense but who said that dating was any different.

Oh Yeah!! fashionista update: I am in love with the Burberry Blue line, I mean, its bad. I had no idea they had a barrel bag that was so cute. Plus they have these cute sandals that match the bag and they are awesome. I'm just not sure if I'm willing to make the investment. I'm still paying for my LV endeavour right now and the interest is killing me.But hmm..where there's a will, there's a way. Oh, another thing...I'm seriously thinking of getting a pair of Manolo Blahnik's and Jimmy choo's . They are incredible.I just checked out the new line at Saks and neiman marcus and I'm loving it. I don't know about spending $400.00 on a pair of shoes but im seriously considering the buy. Maybe ill make my mum pay for it...kind of like my graduation gift for my AA degree.(yeah I wish). This is why I need to start making serious money, I'm in love with all the wrong stuff..crap..ill probably end up with a couple of flip flops from payless this summer...tis the story of my life.

Well,my genetics lab awaits...
life..awaits...
hmm...most importantly..LUNCH AWAITS...

Hope...

2005-01-26T23:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, it's been a while since I last blogged. Well, a lot has happenned since then and I've just been basking in the glory.

First off, my brother's birthday was a blast. He turned 29 and all the important people (except for his mum) who were supposed to be there turned up for the party. Brad was happy too, the surprise was overwhelming, I think he had the most fun out of all of us. The cake, the liquor, the people all blended in perfectly, I was so proud of my brother because he was all big about it and agreed to share his special day with my close friends, that was pretty cool. Oh yeah, I still have pics I haven't processed maybe I'll post them sometime later on.

On to other things, Yes, today was my first day at Towson which was pretty cool. I have been getting calls all day wishing me luck, and even got an e-mail from my mummy and text message from my cousin dee. I must say it kind of went well, seeing as I have a flu, allergies and mild asthma attacks because of the winter.What's awesome about it is that even when I was at school bored, tired and hungry, one of my closest friends stayed on the phone with me the entire time. I must say I feel appreciated...

Okay, so it's the beginning of the spring semester, I'm in debt out of my ass because of books, birthdays and vacations but I'me feeling pretty good about myself. It's only the end of January and God has blessed me in so many ways already. I finally..finally got the scholarship that I had been praying for everyday for the past two years. Even though it only covers half my expenses it's a huge load off me,I'm still in shock. Who said that miracles didn't happen...I've experienced a couple of my own and definitely think that it's the best feeling ever. There is a God out there and I just hope that he extends the blessings to all those around me.

The good thing about having a blog is that all your close friends and family get to read it and you get to tell them all the things that you would never let them know in person( I have to keep up appearances u know).

So this one's for all thos of you who kept me going when I was ready to give up (mum, bruce, stella, louise and dee), for all those who are here everyday to listen to me bitch, whine and laugh ( edwin, danielle and brad) and lastly for the new found friend who makes me laugh everyday and appeciate life more Richard.

Well, that's my piece, I hope that you all keep the faith and remember that hope is the one thing that keeps us going, the one thing that joins us together. Dare to dream, keep the faith.

One love.

Happenings.

2005-01-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I've been slacking off this week. well, I pretty much had a lot of things to do. Maybe, not so much but hey, everyone's allowed to be lazy once in a while. This week has been lovely, I was outside today and believe me, It's Baltimore in January and I didn't need a jacket. It was so nice out, the sun was up, a bunch of people were even sporting shorts. Somehow I keep thinking that we'll pay for all the good weather, we might end up having a blizzard in the middle of the summer, you never know especially after the tsunami.

Oh yeah, I got accepted into Towson!! I've been waiting for the decision for 3 months now, it feel good to get accepted into the Mb3 program. It's like a dream come true, the only sad thing is now I have to actually study to maintain my G.P.A. not mentioning that there is a requirement on class attendance. Great..just great.

Another thing, my brother garduates in May...and yes, my mum is making everyone in the house make the trip all the way to the south. This means that for atleast 5 days in the middle of May I will be stuck in the middle of Colombus, Mississippi feeding on huge chunks of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and corn on the cob. Oh yeah...and the humidity, oh the humdity....there should be a limit as to what you should do for family.

It's been 48 hours without comcast digital cable, at this rate I'll break into a seizure like a crack addict suffering from withdrawal symptoms. My best friend and her better half mentioned getting rid of digital cable but frankly, I just can't do it. My brother conviniently forgot to mail in the payment and yes, I'm going over to comcast the minute I get off work tomorrow. I simply cannot bear to think of Sunday night without Huff and the L word. Yes, I'm addicted and so are like a hundred million people around the world, atleast I'm not in denial.

Next week is my brother's Birthday so for me it's just a major excuse to throw a party. Well, it's the last one before everyone has to go back to school which is why I'm combining Brad's Bithday party and Bruce's. Well, Brad never had a real party and since he's cool people's I'm throwing one for him too. I just hope that things don't backfire right in my face. My brother is the ultimate "we thugging" kind of guy and Brad is not really "hard rock" and all but I just hope there's a point where my brother's friends and Brad's friends blend together. But just in case, I'm having a whole lot of liquor...atleast when everybody is drunk, no one looks different, everyone is just happy.

Oh yeah, my ex from like 6 months ago called me twice this week. I think that its' a thing with ex's, the minute they smell you're happy, they have to come along and to ruin you're life. Well, I'm proud to say, he didn't...ha...He didn't even have an effect. I'm so proud of myslef, I think I'll by myself a pair of high heel pointy shoes to signify the stomping out of all negative karma...i.e. the ex in question and plus I just needed an excuse to buy the damn shoes, I've been eyeing them for months.

Well, I guess that's my week in review...now if only I could get a cocktail right about now, Thursday is almost the weekend isn't it??

Imperfections.

2005-01-09T02:22:00.000-05:00

It's 2.00am in the morning and I'm sitting here staring at the screen while sippping on a huge mug full of vanilla chai (definitely not non-fat) while munching away on a huge piece of apple crumb cake. My friend Danie considers this whole concept physically disastrous since she's all about the weight watchers routine. This year, I am proud to say that I have no resolution to lose weight, I do not have a membership to Bally's (not going to get one) and will not stare at the comcast fitness shows. Why, because I have scathed the fitness mountain and the guru at the top was honest enough to tell me that it's just not going to happen. Halle Berry looks like that becasue she has a personal trainer and doesn't touch carbs after six.

A friend of mine one mentioned that I am "not very shy" abut my look after pulling a stunt that I reallly don't want published on this blog. Truth is, I'm not shy about my big ass or the chunks all over my body at all. I long ago accepted who I am, just the plain me. Gone are the days when I would look in the mirror and envision someone who wasn't there. I just couldn't spend time being something I'm not, I was lucky enough to stare at the mirror long enough to see who I was.

Most of the people I know struggle everyday to get rid of the slight imperfections that they think hold them back. Personally I think that those imperfections are what make them who they are. For example, Donald Trump is famous for his bad hair, try and imagine Bill gates without his huge glasses, wouldn't he look weird with contacts on? Imagine Lil Jon with a fade, fabolous without his chipped tooth and Monique as a size 4. Remember what happenned to Luther when he lost weight? He landed in Hospital for a couple of weeks.If you don't believe me, just go ahead and google the article.

I like looking at myself in the mirror because it shows me exactly who I am especially when I'm going through times when I'm just not so sure. I guess what I'm trying to say is if I can wake up in the morning, stare at the mirror and like what I see then i'm doing just fine. My imperfections are who I am, I embrace them with an open heart, for when I'm gone they will serve as the markers that my friends, family and even acquaintances will remember me by.

For my big bear: Look, stare...embrace.

Crossroads

2005-01-06T15:52:00.000-05:00

So today was my second day of work, I must admit it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The people are nice and the winter semester is naturally slower so the coffee shop isn't overrun with crazy college students. And ofcourse I took time out to enjoy the quiet time, I dragged my paperwork to the nearest table grabbed a latte and day dreamed for half an hour.

Across from me was a couple so in love they couldn't sip coffee without holding hands. Every two seconds they was a slight giggle and a smile from both of them and I could feel the slight pangs of envy within me. Is there a such thing as being single for too long? After a while is it time to forfeit the benefits of singledom for the constant make-ups to break-ups?

My close friend Danie envys me because I have the luxury of going or doing anything anywhere I want,anytime, without answering to anyone. I can make plans without having to worry about a better half being bored or out of place with my friends. I can take a weekend trip with five of my boys without having anyone flip-out at the implications of my actions. But then again, there are some things I miss out on. I rarely have anyone to carry my bags when I'm cruising the mall, rarely have someone call just to hear my voice. And I never ever get those flowers (maybe on birthdays) that just say I love you. Even when I'm watching a movie, there's no one to get me my next glass of wine, I'm cursed with the lonely strawl to the kitchen on Sunday afternoons.

Half of my friends think I'm scared of commitment and half of them think I'm terrified that I might actually like the "long term thing". My friends think I should quit being married to cable, shopping and clubbing and should try dating some of the real brothers out there. So here I am, stuck at the crossroads wondering if I should take the plunge or strap on some boots and head to the club. Hmm...whose that guy who said that thing...to be or not to be...Relationship or no relationship? I guess I just have to wait and see.

Passion...

2005-01-04T18:53:00.000-05:00

I was reading the O magazine a while back and there's one quote that Oprah gave and I have not been able to forget it since. "Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it."

I didn't work today, not because I didn't need the hours but because I felt I needed to sit, relax and get myself together. It's not that I wasn't ready, I just wasn't completely ready to face the world.I wasn't ready to take that first step yet and walk into my new job. I'm the only person I know whose called off two days in a row without even starting the job. I have a feeling though, that they can wait until I'm perfectly ready.

A friend once said to me that I was too passionate about the things I believed in, he said that I wasted too much energy on facts that could never be changed and too much time on the inevitable. Well, I belive that there is no such thing as too much passion. How can anybody live life without thirsting for any one thing? How can anyone move forward if there is nothing to look forward to? Only great passions have the ability to elevate the soul to greater things, and if it is so, then a passionless life isn't worth living, I might as well be dead.

Some Indian Buddha once said that if you teach a child the name of a bird the child stops seeing the bird for what it is. The child stops seeing beautiful creature with marvelous hues and simply sees a parrot. It's just like today, there is a sea of endless boks, novels, movies and magazines all trying to explain what life is or what it should be. Everyone is too busy analyzing every aspect of their life they forget that life was just meant to be sipmly lived.

I for one, stopped analyzing a long time ago, all it got me was panic attacks and frequent trips to the ie cream isle at the grocery store.I was so hell bent on making my life perfect that I didn't see what was going on around me.I missed out on birthdays,weddings, friends and family. I didn't even find out that my mum had a new boyfriend until two months passed by.

Well, my point is, life is meant to be smelt, touched, swam into and ripped a part with a fire so furious that when its all over there are no regrets but the echoes of beautiful laughter and cherished memories. This post is for a close friend of mine, who keeps calling me crazy and insane...I do hope that somehow he embraces his passions and is set ablaze with a fire that will never be extinguished. Life is a beautiful thing...it always will be.
peace.

All over again.

2005-01-04T01:15:00.000-05:00

It feels great to be back, my clothes are all over the floor and I'm draped in my favorite stained white t-shirt sipping on a glass of minute maid orange juice and I feel like i'm in heaven. I've been on a trip for a week to minneapolis to see old friends whch is always nice but I really sort of missed the comfort of my own bedroom and the idea of blogging at weird hours of the night.

Today was Brad's 21st birthday which was nice, we all had dinner at the rainforest while discussing the highlight's of the new year. Mine was well spent, cocktailing and clubbing with fellow drunks in downtown minneapolis which was actually pretty cool. Even my best friends boyfriend got to the "backing Up" state.(never been seen before,very interesting).

The really good thing is, I left Baltimore not expecting anything but I was pleasantly surprised. Whoever thought that I would end up running into an old flame, well maybe not...okay the word is someone I actually liked sometime back.So I walk in to my friend's house and boom there he is, cute as ever. Weird, very weird.Well, the good thing is he seemed to like me back so I spent a whole entire week basking, tasting and touching and wisp..after a week, its over...I had to leave..sad..so sad.

Now, I'm back to my weird hours and exhausting friends, I'll miss my vacation but it's good to be back. I even think that my weird neighbors next door who hate my loud music are happy to see me back...

tisk..tisk..happy new year.

Life...

2004-12-08T09:39:00.000-05:00

I know that I should be studying but I've been on a break for the past 2 hours. It's not even funny. I have finals but I'm really not interested in that right now.That actually sounds funny because I really need to save my drowning G.P.A. but hey, life is life.

So I'm freezing in this cafe because somebody decided that the AC should be on in the middle of fall. Oh yeah, I just realised that I'm broke and haven't made any plans on how I'm going to plan for my christams trips and my ski/snowboarding trip.Apparently Brad and Danielle decided that I'm not athletic enough so I'm going to try and ski for the first time, it's going to be a sad affair.

Oh yeah, since I'm going to visit my crazy best friend in Minneapolis, I have to invest in a winter coat and some snow boots.Yeah, I have made absolutely no investments toward my winter closet. I'm still stuck layering my summer clothes in this chilly weather..kind of makes me miss the days when my mum used to pay for my clothes.

Okay, so enough of my clothing problems, let me get into the real issue I'm blogging today. The men I'm trying to get away from. It's so funny that once you break up with people, all of a sudden they want to get back with you. So far I'm being stalked by two of my ex-boyfriends and two other guys I have no intention of getting with. Just whan I thought I was getting comfortable with no hassles in my life, things just fall out of the past.

Oh yeah, and now that I'm 21, everyone who I consider cute and asks me out on a date is 19. Great..Just great...I already feel like Im really..really old...damn it..and where are the cute grown and sexy guys..apparently not in college.

Oh yeah, Im officially obsessed with Louis Vuitton. See, first all I wanted was the cute monogram speedy 30' now I'm totally into their new line. Funny, I never buy designer anything but I'm seriously considering the buy..I have been lusting over this bag since like spring 2000 or something, at this point I just think that Vuitton should donate the purse for the sake of my sanity. And what is wrong with Ugg boots, someone on T.V said that they were Fugly. What is the deal?? I think that they are awsomely cute but I'd never get a pair, I think the entire female population in Baltimore is rocking them.

Today I decided that I needed to write more poetry, sombody wrote me a letter saying that they would like to publish one of them but I'm suffering from a severe case of writer's block which is getting to a tragic level. I think I lost my creative juices...I need to get back on the wagon though, it would be nice to write again.

Well, I think I've doodled enough...time for some physics..I'm so excited.

Extra-Ordinary Women

2004-12-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

So it's taken me forever to update this blog..well, a lot has been happening. Between birthdays, thanksgiving, term-papers and finals I've had barely enough time to sleep let alone blog. Well, first thing first, congratulations to break-up babe (breakupbabe.blogspot.com) She finally got that book deal from random House. She has an interesting blog, if you ver have time..read it.

Back to my simple existence.Last week I had this conversation with my dear inherited brother who dared to inform me that he would never...ever..again date a Kenyan woman (him being Kenyan himself) based on the fact that ALL Kenyan women are regular. Yeah, just regular, nothing extarordinary about them...just regular like sipping a cup of tea in the morning. ( that's what he compared them to).

Well, I guess everyone is entiltled to their own opinion and maybe even their own type of women. As a black woman in America, better yet, a Kenyan woman in America, I feel that we have taken far too many insults at the hands of our fellow brothers. Apparently, these brothers..the same jangos, luhyas , r..l..o's and what nots have been Americanized to Jay-Z standards and have become too good for us.

My question is, If a man wants to have an extra-ordinary catch, doesn't he have to be extra-ordinary himself?! Hmm...dare I say that I have met a couple of extra-ordinary Kenyan women in my lifetime...I'm yet to see the trail of extra-ordinary Kenyan men that I'm being forced to believe are out there.

Let's start with Prof. Wangare Maathai, First African Woman (Kenyan) to win the Nobel Peace prize. She may not be of Diva status but what..extra-ordinary she is, she will go down in History for this achievement alone. Wait..what about Zain Verjee?, some may say she is Hindi but hey...still Kneyan. She is now frontlining news at CNN America based in Atlanta. Read her biography at: http://edition.cnn.com/CNN/anchors_reporters/verjee.zain.html

Well, not all extra-ordinary women are superstars, and not all of them are drop dead gorgeous slim-like models strutting down the streets. I have seen many extra-ordinary kenyan women in my lifetime....Mothers, farmers, C.E.O's, mangers, educators. These are the women who raised us, who gave us the dignity that we walk around with today. They may not be sand-papered and shellacked like the modern Ameriacn woman but they are real and they deserve a chance.

I may not be a diva or have world-wide status but I refuse to be called "regular". The simple truth is that African women hailed from the blood lines of Kings who reigned in another time. Well, our faces may not say "vogue" but they do say "Nefertiti"...we are who we are..simple, pure and divine..
And ofcourse...proud to be Kenyan.